Living With An Addict - There Is Help
92My Story
Here's my story...
If you are living with an addict you are not alone.
In the fall of 2004 I met the love of my life. I was online one day and this guy sends me an IM. No picture, no cam... I'm not too interested. Then he says he just got out of rehab... definately not interested. I let him know very quickly I was not in the market for a man or even a new online friend. Drugs scared me, still do. I, personally, have never done drugs, not even pot. Addiction and drug use was completely foreign to me. I wanted no part of it.
Something about him, I guess persistance, got me to talk to him. We clicked immediately. I still was a little worried about him telling me he just got out of rehab. But, then.... he got a webcam. Sweet, smart and hot! Who cares if he used to have a drug problem, right? I'm not gonna marry the guy, one date won't hurt.
We got married 2 years later.
We lived together about 8 months. He was clean. We were happy. Drugs were in his past. The perfect couple.
Let's fast forward about a year... We had just bought a beautiful new home. He had a wonderful job. We were even talking about having a baby. Then, one day I notice he's a little... weird I guess. A little slurred speech, a little off. I ask him about it and he says he's just tired. I gets worse and worse. I suspected drugs but he stuck to his story. He was clean, hadn't done anything.
One day I went into his truck to get a cigarette lighter. I opened his console and there I found a little baggie of pills. I freaked! Called my friend, she googled them and found it was methadone. This wonderful friend of mine happened to have an addict as a spouse and happened to have a drug test. I went to my husband and asked him if he wanted to tell me anything. Nope. I pulled the bag of pills out of my pocket, "now doy uo want to tell me anything?" He says "Those aren't mine, they're a friend's, give them back!!!" I walked to the bathroom and flushed them. Apparently, I found out through him yelling, I flushed something very important and very expensive and he would never forgive me. The I pulled out the drug test. I have no idea how I got him to pee for me but he did. He failed for 3 kinds of pills. That was the beginning of it.
I knew he was using . I could tell by just looking at him. I would ask him about it and he would get mad and lie. How many times should you have to ask the same question? How many fights is it worth? I stayed on him, I was not going to let him just use drugs.
Things got progressively worse over the next few months. According to him he had been sober for over 2 years. He would assure me of this as he drooled on himself and fell asleep in his food. He would assure me of this while I gave him a bath and kept him from drowning. He couldn't stand up long enough to take a shower. I bathed him, clothed him, watched him, helped him. When he smoked he would fall asleep just afte he got it lit. He would burn himself, his clothes, blankets, furniture. If I left him alone I had to take his cigarettes and lighers with me so he wouldn't set the house on fire. Living with an active user is a full time baby sitting job. Not only are you having to take care of them but you are having to watch them slowly die. You are helpless. They are helpless. The person you love, you can not help.
One day he came home and was in the best mood. No slurred spech, no drool. What was up? I didn't know it at the time but meth was up. The next day we were back to the drooling and sleeping, Vicodin and xanax. He was out of it for 7 days. He could not function. It was like waching him die. He took so much that I had to stay up all night and make sure he didn't quit breathing. It was the worst thing I had ever seen and to this day he is still the same.
I told him he had to go to rehab, he had to get help. I was supportive and loving and let him know I would never give up on him. He gave up on me. Two months after the 7 day incident he left me. Married less than 18 months and he leaves me for a... I will try to put this gently... a fat, old, ugly, pill popping, drug addicted maried woman who is 20 years his senior. I am not saying these things about her because my ex is now with her. I am saying these things because I have never seen her even able to walk. Makeup smeared all over the place... not hot.
He leaves me and moves in with her, her husband of 26 years and their small child. The husband is also a pill popper. In about a month the husband is kicked out and takes the child with him. Now my husband and this old lady can have the privacy to do drugs. I tried and tried to ge him to come home. I could not give up on him. Eventually I was unable to find him or get ahold of him. He showed up a couple months later 40 lbs thinner. He said he had been sleeping in his truck and had nowhere to go. How do you tun away the man you almost had babies with? I had to feed him. He looked like hell. So, dumb me, took him in, fed him, gave him a place to stay. He was reasonably soberr and we were able to talk for the first time in months. He said he wanted to get sober, wanted to get help. He spilled his guts to me that night. He told me he had never really been clean. He was doing meth from day one of our relationship and pain and nerve pills to come down so I wouldn't know. The man I loved had lied to me since the day I met him. Did the person I married even exist? Was it all a lie?
This is probably not news to you but addicts are lairs. They will tell you anything to get what they want. And this time he wanted money. He had pawned or sold everything he had. He pawned his truck title and it was about to be reposessed. I'll admit it, I fell for it. I love him. I paid the truck bill. I also got some things ou of pawn for him on his word he would move back to his mother and father's house. He told me he was going to go over to he place he had been staying, get his things and be back. He was going to spend the weekend with me and his mother would pick him up and take him home on Monday.
Five days late he called. He said he had taken some pills and fogot to come back. I let him know it had been 5 days. He had no idea. And at this point I realized something. Something extemely hard, extemely sad and extemely distubing to me. I realized he was a drug addict and there honestly wasn't a single thing I could do to help him.
At some point you have to decide what you want for you. I know, when you live with an addict the last thing on your list of priorities is yourself. Make a new list. Their addiction can actually, physically kill you. I am on wo kinds of nerve meds and heart meds because of the stress he put on me. I am physically sick. I had to pick... me or him. I realized I could no longer let his addiction control my life. I can do nothing about his problems. An addict has to want help. If love could fix it, he would be healed of it.
As I sit here tonight, alone in our home, I do not know where he is. I do not know what he is doing. I do not know if he is safe. I do not know if he is alive.
He chose to leave. He chose to do drugs. He chose to say no to my help, my love. He chose to say no to his family. It kills me to think of what has happened to this wonderful man. I feel like a failue as a wife, a friend and a fellow human being for not being able to hlep him.
I pray eveyday that he will wake up and get the help he needs.
I don't know if you agree with the decisions I've made or the opinions I have on drug use. If you live with an addict I am sure you have felt the same ways I have. I am sure you feel helpless, hurt, resentful, emotions you can't even describe. I can not tell you what to do. But I have told you my story and what my personal feelings are. The only thing I will say is if you have children in the home with an addict, think of the things they are seeing, absorbing, learning. As adults we can handle a lot. Children cant. What they see is what they know. You set the example for them. They will look to you and your decisions as instructions as to how ot live their life. Do you want them to think drug use is just a part of life?
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
YOU CAN NOT HELP AN ADDICT UNTIL THEY WANT HELP AND EVEN THEN YOU CAN NOT HELP. ONLY PROFESSIONALS CAN HELP THEM.
SAVE YOURSELF. SAVE YOU CHILDREN.
IF YOU ALLOW AN ADDICT TO LIVE IN YOU HOME, EAT YOUR FOOD, WATCH YOUR TV.... YOU ENABLE THEM TO DO DRUGS. YOU ARE TELLING THEM IT IS OK.
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I know the pain you are going throug. My husband of 20 years is a addict. He gets high on cough syrup, drinks and porns daily. He says he was that way when he met me. I guess he was,I just denied it because he truly loved me and I loved (and still do) him. I cry myself to sleep every night. He porns almost in front of my face and syas it is no big deal. He says he can't wait to retire in threee years not to be with me but, so he can give up the alcohol and the dxm and smoke pot. I am so sad and depressed about all this. The problem is he thinks hthere is no problem We have three children together ages 15,12, and 9. Our 15 yoar old has already taken has vodka. I insist he hide and he dosen't I do because I want no issues with her drinking and making it readily available to her. He says kids will be kids. I don't agree and really don't want to leave him,if only he could see there is a problem. I will definetly leave though when he starts smoking pot because,I will not have my children around that environment. He knows I am going to leave if he smokes but, dosen't seem to care. I am beside myself as to what to do. Any suggestions would be helpful.
I am sorry avbout your situation, if only we could make love fix things..... h kt
I know just how you feel.Living with an addict is exhausting & mentally draining...
I went to my first Al Anon meeting tonight and all I could do was cry. I have been with my lover for over a year. It was his 6th year of sobriety. After his brother died he couldn't grieve and turned back to heroine and crack cocaine. I'd never seen anyone do that before. I certainly know what you mean about staying up all night to make sure he's breathing. He promised me he's checking into detox in the morning. I'm going to drive him. Somehow I can't shake the anxiety that it's all a lie. He's not going to detox. He's going to make excuses and I'm going to play the fool. This sucks so bad! I just feel like the man I love has lost his soul and it's all been replaced by this stupid addiction.
My sympathies for what you, and everyone else, has gone through. Personally, I was on the opposite end of the situation - I'm a recovering drug addict (clean for eight months now, after my last relapse). I'd been abusing drugs for about a year before I met my girlfriend, but nothing too bad at the time - only the ocassional use. I got together with her a year later and around about the same time my usage shot up. Long story short, she ended up finding out. I so very nearly lost her, but after a long struggle with denial she made me realise that I needed to get clean and save myself - if not for my own sake, then for her's. I've relapsed more times than I care to remember, but every time I seem to last longer without taking drugs, and I have her to thank for it. She has stood by time and given me the strenght I needed to fight this horrible affliction. For all the hell I've been through with it, the worst part for me is knowing the incredible pain and upset I must have caused her. All I want to do now is live a life without drugs and try and makeup for the pain I've caused her.
At the end of the day, I think the writer of this article is right. Yes, you should support your partner/friend/relative through their pain - but only if they're willing to fight their problem. If they're not, then you always need to put yourself first. But if they will fight it, remember that most of us want to stay clean. Even eight months down the line nothing sounds better to me than just one more hit, and frankly if someone gave me a good excuse to relapse I'd probably take it in a heartbeat. Everything does lie on the addict, but if they're willing to get clean, you really can't begin to imagine how important it can be to have someone to help you do it and stick to it.
I am sorry for what youve gone through. I am experiences this right now. My husband of over 20 yrs is an addict and has been abusing narcotics and Xanax for the last 5 yrs. You're description of falling asleep constantly is right in line. Whether it be in food or while smoking. It really is stressful. Youre not alone. I feel so helpless. I don't want to live without him but I can't sat back and watch him kill himself by overdosing on these drugs. He is currently in rehab right now and wants to leave. I spoke to him last night and he told me I would never see him again. He told me to have a nice life and hung up. Please pray for us.
Hi. I'm living with an addict (alcohol, cocaine). I cried when I read your story because it's my life right now. He lies and threatens to kill himself if I don't give in. He hasn't been able to hold a job for the past 10 months. I moved to an area of my city and his abuse doubled because everyone around us seemed to be drinking and using. I just left that apt two weeks ago and moved to my parents' place for two months. He is living in town by himself. He keeps telling me that we are over because I am not nearby to be at his beck-n-call. This man has changed me forever. I've had to declare bankruptcy - he charged over $10,000 to my credit cards. He also spent nearly $10,000 in savings. All spent on booze and drugs. My self esteem is destroyed. I'm depressed and cry all day at the drop of a hat. I'm trying to break away but I find myself needing to talk to him. I feel like such a loser and the problem is that I have been covering up all this up with lies that I cannot talk to anyone. Not family or friends.
Tonight, after travelling 1 hour to see in him town, have lunch and then have him leave me in the car and say that he didn't want to see me tonight, me driving all the way back home... he has threatened to kill himself (slitting his wrists) if I didn't go back to him and go out for drinks. We texted back and forth and his last message said that he was finally doing it, that he had written me a letter and that I could have saved him if only I would have gone and had a "few" drinks with him. All this after he knows how much I despise alcohol after how much he has drank. ... Part of me is scared that this time, he will finally kill himself. Despite everything that he has done to himself and to me, despite all the times he has hung up on me or said really mean things to me,... I do love him. However, I know that I can't save him.... He has to save himself.
To all you who are going through something similar or have gone through something similar... I hope you have the strength to walk away and take care of yourself. Your mate is going to do everything that they can do to satisfy their addiction. They will manipulate your heart and your mind. Be strong.
I read your story and everything about it I'm living it right now I've been married almost eight years now and have three wonderful children, and a husband who uses marijuana and cocaine, I have talked to him so many times but everytime i talk to him he just listens and doesn't take any action, I remember the first time i found out about him problem he didn't know what to say, its like hes not the same person i feel in love with i wish i had him back but it seems impossibe for him to stop, u know that one picture of your x on the day before he left thats the same look on my husbands face everyday , and i just cant stand it anymore its like i hate him for what he does i love him so much my children love him i dont know what they would do without him i know i will survice but them there so close to him and he loves them to, i dont know if he'll ever change and i dont know if i will ever put a stop to it i dont know how , i just know that i love my children and i would do anything for them, i just want them to have their old dad back one day.
I am dealing with the uncertainty of a life with a drug addict. He lies and he is very sick. I don't want to get a divorce but I don't want to live like this either. I only stay because he keeps fooling me that he will stop on his own with aa. Yeah right, but I am sick because I want to believe him. I want to have hope. Thanks for your story and I wish you happiness and a life free from this type of pain. I feel for all of you and my heart keeps breaking.
I cried whe I read your story. it is my story too. my husband has had a cocaine/crack addiction for 2 years now. but he recently spilled his guts and admitted he was always a cocaine user. always?? we have been married 10 yrs! how could I not have seen it?? I have little knowledge of drugs, all I know is what I have seen with him. I have never seen him use, he will disapear for a day or 2, and come back, not high anymore, but not well. he will sleep, I will try to talk to him, yell at him, as I write this, I am wondering where he is, he left to go to the store...yesterday.
he can get a few weeks in being clean, and yes, I pee test him, this past time, he made it 10 weeks! why go back when you have 10 weeks in sober. he has a very good job, we have a home, 3 kids, 2 whom have autism, and high functioning aspergers, I feel I need to keep their life stable, and keep their dads problem from traumatising them. they are young, and don't seem to be aware, but what if he can never stay clean? what about when they are older? I have no answers for myself, so I keep praying he will finally get, and stay clean. he comes from a good family, and we are all hurting for reasons and answers to why he chooses drugs.
I have thought about, and still am thinking of divorcing him. my friends think I am crazy for staying this long, but I keep trying to believe he can beat this addiction. but on a day like today, I jus don't know if he really wants to beat it.
Hi. I also live with an addict. I am sad to say it happens to be my son and I"m really struggling with my emotions and though process right now. One minute I'm done. I'm not going to enable him and then next I'm balling my eyes out and letting him live with me. It's a horrible situation and I feel trapped and a lot of resentment. I am beginning to feel like there's something wrong with me for feeling like I do towards my son. He's very charming and I want to believe him but I know I can. He's a liar. He's an addict. I love him. I will pray for all of you as I pray for him tonight. For safety and for peace and healing.
GG
We are feeling the same pain and fear of the unknown. My husband has been using for the last 6 months I think. Since my last posting he has moved to his parents. He is still lying, using and justifying it evenmore by saying he only uses pot. He is spun on speed and shooting up heroin too, Abusing suboxen to get clean when he is sick and drying up his parents money. He tells me he hasn't cheated on me and he knows he is wrong. We fight everytime we talk or see eachother because I feel so abandoned and forgotten while he uses drugs by himself and parties with a coworker he has found to enable him. He refuses to change and says he has a plan and he will quit next week. It has been a month since he said that. He relapsed 3 times in the siz years I have known him and nothing is sacred. Eventhough we are married it was no exception for his relapsing. He is also a good person, cleancut looking and holds a job. But he has become a dirty junkie once again and I am so disgusted, depressed, stressed out over when will he stop! He used to go to rehab right away. Now he just keeps using to maintain and forget about his failing marriage. We have no kids, no money problems, he has nothing to complain about and he still does not want to get back into treatment or program. I worry everynight he will get arrested,od, die, get aids, get hep c, get in an accident or cheat or steal from me! I am so sick of playing detective, sifting through lies, and waiting for him to make a decision. He has his parents fooled and they are so out of it they are just happy he just smokes pot and they believe that! I am scared because I can't control what he is doing. My prayers will include all of you and I wish you strength and health. I feel so betrayed. When will he come back and be a sober husband like the one I knew before? Things are more different than ever. Lord help us!
The saddness on this page alone is well, really beyond words. I live with a differnt type of addict but the emotions are all the same and so is the addict cycle. Around and around in the same emotional balltleground headed for the war we are never going to win. My husband of eight years is a sex addict. The terror of not knowing who is having sex with, the shame I feel of my personal self esteem in the toilet. Yet the complications of leaving and the fear of my broken hearted children. I am currently leaving my husband and to know I tried and can see the light at the end of the tunnel is like taking a breath of clean mountain air. I am free of living with an addict, I love my husband enough to let him learn to battle his demons. I can and so can all you wonderful woman learn to live again. I can suppport my husband as soon as he can learn to support himself. And if the day comes when he doesnt come to terms with himself then thats the way HE chose to live and I cannot take ownership of that anymore. I love my babies and off into the world I go partnerless but with my chin at least above water.
You have alot of courage. Everyone says I will know when I am done with my husaband and I am still not sure. My husband finally agreed to treatment after using heroin, speed, pot and alcohol for 5 months. He completed his 30 days and moved back in. We had an argument and he went out and used. He has been using pot and heroin and i asked him to leave. I am burdened by his addiction and feel obligated to help him. I really think he has learned to manipulate me and he is severely addicted to heroin and he does not want to give it up completely. He does not use the tools of aa when he needs to. He always gives into his cravings or uses drugs as a solution so he won't feel. I am starting to hate him but at the same time feel sorry for him. It is disgusting to see his face when he is high and lying to me about it. I am amazes at your courage and I believe you went through hell. I hope I can be as strong as you. I hate cryong my eyes out everynight and then go to alanon so I can deal with him evenmore. I need to stop this unhealthy cycle. Thanks for your story.
So sad to see that there are so many others in a boat on the same ocean. From where I sit I feel all alone. Embarassed, scared, confused, sad, hopeful.... I am not me anymore. I was a strong, confident, successful woman who finally, after decades of searching, found her one true love, my prince. I knew of his drug history (well I thought I knew but I had no clue as I was ignorant to drugs and those who abused them and thought it was done...) But it is never done. RELAPSE happened and I was devastated... went through all the emotions and fear and most of all was petrified as I knew nothing about this addiction process. I was ignorant and hadn't seen it coming... and then in 5 days he destroyed his entire life, spent his last dollar, and pawned his last possesion. Years of work down the drain in less then a week. (Cocaine/Crack) He finally came home and went voluntarily into treatment... A long road back, but 6 months later he was still clean, had a good job and life was just peachy. He proposed, I accepted and I would finally have my fairytale ending after all! UNTIL... a month later when my dreams were shattered again. He relapsed. Again. How could he do it? After all we went through? I supported him unconditionally the first time. We had everything. What was he thinking? I was run over by a freight train that I never saw coming. He went missing for almost a week and I honestly thought he was dead. I was calling morgues throughout the state and preparing to file for custody of his daughter that lived with us as I was convinced he was never returning. But he did and was very remorseful once again. I did not know what to do. I was paralyzed with fear. I had no answers and no one to turn to as I was deeply embarassed and ashamed and knew if I told anyone they would tell me to leave him. So now what. What is the right thing to do? Here I am with the man I love in bed crying non-stop for two days as he was deeply remorseful, a 16 year old "step daughter" who I am soley responsible for (no other parent in the picture) and I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is for him or me. I love him, but need to protect me. How can I do both? I have an education, a great job, financially secure, everything... and now I wake up to the reality that there is an addict sharing my bed. How did I get here? He didn't ask to stay and said he would honor whatever my wishes were. He did not want to hurt me anymore. I decided that I could not decide and would take it one day at a time until I figured it out. He joined a relapse group and started going to meetings again. It has been 6 weeks and he is still clean and trying very hard. We have a contract now; if he uses again, he may not live here anymore. I know it must be that way. I am hopeful but still live in fear everyday. I am full of resentment one day and at the sametime grateful for another day clean. He is a wonderful man and if he can stay this way I do want to marry him and be with him for the rest of my life. I would do anything for that man. But when will I know? When does the fear go away? Am I blinded to reality because of my love for him? I don't know what reality is anymore. I don't know how to move forward because I am not sure where forward is going. Your posts bring me comfort because I know that I am not alone and if I am crazy, then I am in good company. I thank you for sharing your stories and pray for all of us.
I read your story and I have to say thank you for sharing it. I live with a man who is addicted to speed and marihuana. I try to help him the best I can, try to understand but drugs had never been part of my life before I met him. I knew that he smoked sometimes to relax but didnt understand it until now how serious it is. His spent all our savings in just a couple of days on drugs and I feel so empty, used, hopeless.. He's been to rehab many times before we met and said to me he is going to go again but I feel that he just say it to make me feel better, cause hasnt done anything about it yet.
I dont know how long I can keep going like this, we planned to have kids and getting a house but seems like all the dreams are broken. I feel that the only thing he cares is himself. He is such a charming guy and I keep forgiving him a lot. i just feel that at this point I have reached my limit, I cant give anymore, help anymore, be understanding. He irritates me so much at the moment but I cant leave him, I dont wanna leave him, he is like a magnetic, I just cant go away from him. It's so nervewrecking, I cant really talk to anybody about this. His mum knows all of it but believes now that its all over. We live in a small town and here I cant go and open my mouth cause then everybody would know. All my old friends live far away and I dont want to worry them. But I also know just talking about it is not going to help him to get clean. I can talk to my guy about it a lot, but when he goes and uses drugs there is no way of stopping it, he says that his every sell in his body craves it.
My life doesnt seem real anymore, I am all concentrated on him and his desease and I dont want him to take me with him, I feel like my life is spiralling down. Because of all this I am much stronger person, I have learned a lot. But in my mind I am constantly trying to find a way out of this, Im not sure yet of it is with or without him. I have promised to give him some time but if nothing changes I have to choose my life and my dreams.
I wish he could feel my pain, he can see my tears but that doesnt make any difference to him, he just thinks that I am too emotional. I could never hurt him like he hurts me. I have decided to stay positive and strong. And some day in the future I remember this time as very dark, eye-opening experience, where I survived but god i hope he survives too.
HI
MY NAME IS JULIE & MY HUSBAND IS AN ADDICT. HE WILL DO ANY DRUG THAT HE CAN. IT MAY BE PILLS. IF HE STARS OUT WITH ALCOHOL OR XANAX HE BLACKS OUT & IT LEADS TO CRACK THEN IT JUST GOES DOWN HILL FROM THERE.
IN 06 HE BROKE MY WRIST INTO BECAUSE I WOULDN'T GIVE HIM THE CAR KEYS(WE ONLY HAD 1 CAR) I KNEW HE WOULDN'T COME BACK IN TIME FOR ME TO GO TO WORK. I WAS WORKING 2 JOBS TRYING TO KEEP THINGS A FLOAT. IT IS PHYSICAL, MENTAL. ITS TERRIBLE. IN AUG 07 HE WENT TO REHAB BY THIS TIME ALL CREDIT CARDS ARE MAXED OUT. I CAN BARELY PAY THE RENT. IN OCT 07 HE TOTALED OUT THE CAR. BREAKING HIS LEFT FEMUR BONE INTO. WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR A WEEK OF COURSE THEY SENT HIM HOME WITH ALL KINDS OF PAIN PILLS. HE IS AT HOME DOING PILLS & HAVING PEOPLE BRINGING HIM CRACK ALL OF THIS MAKES HIM A VERY VIOLENT PERSON. HATING TO EVEN GO HOME FROM WORK. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO DIDN'T WANT MY PARENTS TO KNOW. SO I WOULD TAKE ALL OF THIS BE UP ALL NIGHT & STILL WORKING 2 JOBS. GETTING AROUND ON CRUCHES HE WOULD HOBBLE AROUND MEETING THE DOPE BOYS. I WAS VERY ANGRY...MAYBE EVEN STILL ANGRY. HE WOULD LEAVE & WOULDNT COME HOME DIDN'T KNOW WHERE HE WAS AT. A ASK GOD WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO. FINALLY TOLD HIM HE COULDN'T COME BACK THAT I WAS PACKING MY THINGS. I COULDN'T AFFORD TO PAY THE BILLS. HE PROMISED HE WOULD GO BACK TO REHAB. HE WENT BACK AGAIN. THIS WAS FEB 08 GOT HOME IN LATE MARCH 08. HE GOT A NEW JOB & WAS DOING GREAT. WE WERE ABLE TO EAT AGAIN. WAS CLEAN FOR 8 MONTHS & STARTED TO TAKE PAIN PILLS AGAIN. COURSE THEY MADE HIM ACT LIKE HE WAS DOING CRACK I UGLY HATEFUL MEAN PERSON. HE HAD A LITTLE MONEY SAVE & THOUGHT IF WE TOOK A TRIP TO FLORIDA WHERE HE WENT TO REHAB. THAT HE COULD KICK IT. WELL IT DIDNT WORK..... MAY 2 HE WAS OUT AGAIN ALL NIGHT SMOKING CRACK HE HAD NOT DONE THAT IN OVER A YEAR. HE CAME IN ASKING ME TO FORGIVE HIM. I HAD MY THINGS ALREADY PACKED. HE HAD 8 DAYS UNDER HIS BELT & TOOK MORE PILLS. LAST NIGHT SMOKED CRACK AGAIN. I AM AT THE POINT. IS IT TIME FOR ME TO GO. I TELL MYSELF I NEED TO STAY BECAUSE I NEED HIS CHECK TO HELP PAY THE BILLS. WE HAVE ALOT BECAUSE OF ALL OF HIS GOING ONS. BUT, I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS ALL AGAIN. ITS LIKE WHAT IS THE FINAL STRAW WHEN DO YOU THROW IN THE TOWEL... WHEN DO YOU SAY ENOUGH IS ENGOUGH. YES I LOVE THIS MAN VERY MUCH. I DON'T WANT THE ABUSE TO START AGAIN. SO IAM AT MY WITS END TELLING MYSELF IS IT OVER OR DO I STAY & TRY IT AGAIN.
SO I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I DONT THINK ALOT OF PEOPLE UNDERSTAND HOW THE PERSON WHO LIVES WITH THE ADDICT REALLY GOES THRU & HOW THEY FEEL.
Wow! Some things never change and I hate to sound so hopeless. My husband was asked to leave and went to motels and lived in his truck and then his parents took him in for fear he would die in the street. My husband said he would try to just smoke pot instead of injecting heroin. I agreed to let him come back and told him i accepted the fact that he was not going to be in the program and he was going to use pot. He started to come home from work, shower and leave to his friends so he can hang out all night. He would come home at 11pm watch tv until 1am and i would have to ask him to go to bed in another room. He did this for 5 days straight and i blew up. I said he had to leave because he was doing speed, pot and god knows what but i couldn't live with his lies and his drug use. He paid the rent and left peacefully. He went to live with his parents and they had to kick him out after a week of the same thing and running their cell phone bill up to 400 bucks.
He works a hard job in the day, uses drugs all day and all night. He has returned to the original drug of his choice which is injecting speed. Now he does not call me at all. It is like he has become this cold robot and has no feelings about anything or anyone. He has never been abusive, but he acts strange and wants to use drugs instead of be with me. We have no kids, no financial probs, everything is easy except for his using. I have to admit it is quiet and peaceful with him gone, but I wonder every night where he is, will he die, will he get hiv or hep c,will he get arrested etc: He is such a great guy with a big heart and he chooses to be a dope fiend. I know he is sick but he does not want help. Hes been to 10 rehabs/ sober living/ jail etc. This time his disease is so strong I dont know if he will ever comeback and be the loving husband i have known for 8 years.
All of us seem to just worry and pray and watch our loved ones kill themselves and destroy themselves and our hearts. Why does God let this happen? Why can't i save him? Why can't he remember the love and good life we have? These are things I think about and I know you all understand by all the entries. I wish for the courage to keep going forward and to keep having faith eventhough i doubt it. Thanks for all of your stories whether they are changing or not, it helps to know we share this pain and suffering. I am not some superwoman who is just going to move on and charge ahead. I am human and I have a heart. Blame me for that! I am so lonely and so depresses over his using. I want this person to love me back and be sober. What's wrong with that?
my partner of 5 years is a heroin addict and an alcoholic, he keeps promising to go into rehab but he never does. when he is high on drugs he falls aasleep making cigarette burns in all of my funiture and carpets, he never chnges his clothes and smells horrible. I have begeed him to stop but all i get from him is false promises. I have found him overdosed twice, we now have a 2 year old daughter and i am so scared that she will choose the same path, i am only 25 i dont feel able to do this anymore, surely there is more to life than this?
mines been addicted to meth for 10 years he also sells it we have 2 kids a 6 yr old and an 4 year old and im 4 months pregnant we are both 25 i found out hes been cheating on me with an 18 year old, hes ruined our lives dont care about anything but himself now i guess shes living with him.. i just dont understand how he can say he loves me and move on with her so fast it hurts so bad but theres nothing i can really do.. its not like this is the first time and im sick of the lies and staying out all night i just dont see how he can throw me away i mean i knew he was a loser but i cant believe hes been cheating on me while im pregnant... i havent talked to him for 2 weeks i got out of town and am staying with a friend when does it get easier?? if ever.. i feel all your pain and im very sorry there's so many people going through this its just not fair i gave him everything even stood by him with his addiction now he just throws me away as if im nothing not to mention he just dumped my kids off with her i knocked on the door and she opened it and had the nerve to tell me i couldnt come in lol i knocked her to the floor and took my kids literally but she didnt dare try to stop me cause i would have probably went to jail for beating her into acoma as mad as i was.my prayers are with everyone going through the same thing i hope i have the strength to make it through this cause sometimes i just dont know.
I was utterly amazed to read your story and all the comments that followed. I could literally relate to every single one of you. Yet I sit here feeling empty and alone. Met my b friend on the internet as well... found out he was in a half way house, told him NO WAY, yet somehow i let him talk me into this relationship and although we have been together for 8 months he has been using off and on the last 2 months.At first it was Xanax and oxy xodone but the last relapse ... that ended 2 weeks ago and only lasted abt 1 week was Roxicets...and he was shooting them in his arm with a needle. I found a needle hidden under the corner of my bedroom carpet last week. A NEEDLE! And a bloody tissue and I have 4 children from a past marriage...one of them is only 2... what if he found it!! He falls asleep wit cigg when he is using... leaves the bottles of his suboxine (that he only takes when he is clean) on the nightstand where the baby can get it... I HATE that stupid high look on his face when he is lying to me, wher did the man I met go??? This man here now is an imposture. I HATE and always have hated drugs... why on earth would an addict pick me to be with??? Why not get a party girl?? My self esteem is shot and i am tired of the manipulation... the "if you loved me.. you would --------" fill in the blank! I really need a friend that understands. Just wish I had the money and will power to run run run with my kids!! Something has to give before I loose my mind! Unfortunatly I am addicted to trying to help broken people :(
It has been over a year since I first told my story here. Thank you to all who read it and related it to it. I want to tell you all.... I am fine. No, I am better than fine. I am healthy and happy. My ex husband has been in and out of jail for the past year and now says he is sober. It's his twisted version of sober but whatever he is, sober, on drugs, whatever, I don't have to live like that anymore. It was beyond hard to let him go, and yes, i still talk to him. But, even after all the stress, the pain, the worries and what if's of it all... guess what? I survived, he survived and I am a better person for having gotten out of it. And if you ask him... he is a better person. If we had stayed together he would still be laying on my couch jacked up out of his mind and in his own little drug induced world while my world crashed down around me.
Do I love him? With all my heart. Would I remarry him tomorrow if he was the person he could be, if he would be sober forever? Yes. Can I trust him at all? No. So, I talk to him on the phone a lot and online but we don't see each other. It might sound strange that I still talk to someone that put me through all that crap but it's what you do for someone you love. I let him come over a few months ago. He said he was sober and when I had talked to him he seemed sober and doing well. So, he comes over and stays the night, takes a bunch of xanax and drools on my couch. All those feelings came back. The fear, the being alone in the world.... it was horrible. And I thanked God for giving me the strength to not take him back then and not take him back now. He is no longer allowed to see me in person.
If you're in a bad relationship with an addict or any kind of mentally or physically unhealthy relationship. Save yourself. You can do better. You can not change who that person is all you can control in this world is your life, your actions and your reactions to what goes on around you. Your future is in your hands.
I'm on yahoo messenger if you wanna chat with me my ID is miss_kelly_anne.
Thank you all for listening to my story. Be Strong!! You aren't alone!
Hi, of course our views are different, but in the beggining she thought I left her for some other woman. No one could have compared to Kelly. I left her for drugs. I am an addict. I struggle everyday. If you are an addict, you are hurting those around you and you may not even know it. The guilt I feel for what I put Kelly through will haunt me for the rest of my life. Addicts: please try to get help, and NA/AA does help. If you know an addict and want to help them? Offer rehab, no money...never cash. Good Luck to ALL
Thank you Charlie. That means a lot to me. You are a good man and I only want the best for you. I will always be here for you( via phone, email or IM hahahaha). I just want you to be healthy and happy. Love ya babe! Just say no! lol
i just want to know how long you stay??? Mine was a recoverd alcoholic when i met him, I even went to meeting with him. We got married, he had done some pain pills, but
Sorry, got cut off, but need to start over to see if I can get it all off my chest.
...How long do you stay with an addict/recovering addict/????In and out, for the past 12 years??? I married him when he was in A.A. not really understanding that drugs could be part of it, after all A.A. if for alcoholics, right? The kind who I picture sitting at a bar all day and drinking away. He was sober at 23, and did coccaine but all while he was younger so that's when his mother checked him in and he was sober when I met him.Anyways, he took a few pain pills, every now and then, had a bad back, and then started the drinking. It was all in the past he had said and now that he was older, not hanging with the same crowd, etc. it was ok. It was for a while, we went out, to bars, had fun, go engaged, married, and were soon expecting our baby girl. Built a house, then his mother was tragically killed, and boom!!! Alcohol consumed him then oxy's took over him for 2 years of his life. I was always searching for what it was, and tried to find out so badly, but never "really" knew. He meanwhile went back to meetings, but was falling asleep everywhere, burning holes in his clothes, and eventually I caught him, and he had to turn himself into detox, which we all kept hidden. I had a daughter from a previous marriage also. Moving on, through-out those years, I, who social drinks with friends, etc. was being put through emotional abuse by the now recovering again person, "Oh you are a drunk", "oh go with your friends I don't want to see it", etc. Very hard to hear. years of him being on and off pills, etc. I was put on anti-anxiety drugs myself, how exhausting. Well flash forward, he has been in detox about 4 times, and we have become 2 different people. Always being put dowm, fighting, checking his pupils,going to counselors... multiple times, but he is very good at hiding his disease.In the past year, I knew something "again" was different but wasn't sure WHAT. Taping up windows, finding bags empty, but he finally said he was snorting pain pills, so again a detox he must go. They did an new out-patient thing with some pills, but soon in just last week, came crashing down when my 9 year old found a small baggie outside which was crack. Of he denied,no drug testing for him because it would come up positive because he was on the detox pills, we told her it was something else, but this time I read the book "Enough is Enough" by some lady on intervention and it hit me, he needed in-house long term treatment. So again, he and a ton of $$$ it cost to put him in, but while he is there, we are finding out how bad it really is. Money gone, credit-lines opened, credit cards, mutuals gone, and I am not even 40 yet!!! I know love has never been an issue, he loves us, takes care of us, I think I still love him, but know I cannot go on like this. I have to let him go, but he will be there 30 days and it is not even been a week. I am reading all your stories, and want to know that even though he has been sober back and forth and once "Caught", always agrees to get help, should I deal with this the rest of my life?? Like many of you, my friends think I am crazy for being here, I am so desperate to find myself, I have been an enabler, emotionally abused, it has just become a sick relationship, and if he does get out sober, this crack is all new to me, will it last with how bad it has been? Have I had enough? I think I know the answers, but really need encouragement.Going to counselors for myself next week, and Nar-a-non, but should I support him still, or just get out, and try to remain friends for our daughters? I am so exhausted....:)
Lisa,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I read it and cried. I absolutely know how you feel. There are so many more questions than answers. To be honest, no matter what you decide...stay, go, put up with it, ignore it... you're going to second guess yourself. We all do, it's human nature. I know how tired you feel. It wears on you. It would make me so mad that my ex would get to take those drugs and sleep through all the drama and pain and worries while I was forced to suffer through it and make all the life changing decisions for both of us. From the heart, woman to woman, I will tell you this... you can not help him. The only thing you can control in this entire world are your own actions and your own life's path. You have to choose where YOU want to be. At this point it isn't going to be easy leaving or staying. But, if you leave, there is a guarantee of life getting better, sleeping getting easier and the worries subsiding. You will never stop worrying about him. We worry about the ones we love. It's a wonderful, terrible curse of being human. If you are anything like I was when I was in a relationship with an addict you are in a bad mood, constantly worried, angry, stressed and a 1000 other emotions all rolled up into one and feeling lost and like your life is out of control. The question you have to answer for yourself is are you where you want to be? Are you happy? Do you want to live the rest of your life exactly how you are now? At the end of the day it boils down to if you aren't happy, make a change.
You aren't alone. If you ever need someone to talk to message me on yahoo messenger. My ID is miss_kelly_anne.
You, and everyone else out there who is in this situation, are in my prayers.
Kelly
Thank-you so much Kelly - anne, just can't sleep and woke up on here to see how this thing worked, wasn't sure because I had never signed up. Thank-you for answering my post, it just made me cry. This is so hard, but I know I am not happy now, starting 2 girls tomorrow in 2 new schools, by myself, is hard and scary. Being in this big house by myself is scary, he is there getting help, eating better, working out, etc. and I can't help feel a bit of resentment towards him.I know it will prolly never be the same, how can you ever rebuild trust from that? I don't think he would ever be able not to always have the temptation and me again constantly checking him, "are you on something?" and then that starts a fight. My youngest always says, stop fighting!!! She feels it. Oh gosh, no easy answers huh??? Ok, well tomorrow I start counseling, AGAIN for myself, and then to a nar-non, my 1st meeting on Tuesday. Will see how that makes me feel. Again, thank you ;)
Lisa,
Sorry to hear you're having trouble sleeping. I don't know your religious beliefs but you might try this... I'm not very religious, more spiritual and have a deep belief in God. The worst times when I couldn't sleep I would put my bible under my pillow or next to me in the bed. I couldn't concentrate enough to read with my life full of drama so I just kept it near me. It was comforting somehow.
Yes, I definately agree about counseling. Talk about it to everyone you can. Let it out.
Take this time, while he is away and work on you. Stop the worrying as best you can. He is nice and safe where he is and this can be a nice break for you from the drama. And a time for you to make some decisions that are best for you and your children.
I have recently met a very nice woman who has been in a relationship for 10 years with a recovering drug addict and current alcoholic. She recently got him into rehab... again. But what is different this time??? She put him in rehab as usual and she isn't taking him back when he gets out. I am sooo proud of her. It is beyond hard on her. She feels like she is abandoning him, like she might be making the wrong decision, all of those thing you are feeling. But, over the past few months I have seen her smile more and her eyes are brighter. She is still worried and stressed but she doesn't have those bags under her eyes from lack of sleep. I look at her and see hope. Hope for all of us.
Everyone deserves to be happy. You deserve love, kindness, happiness and to look forward to each and every day. Don't forget that. Don't sacrifice yourself and your kids for someone else's problems.
And remember.... you aren't alone.
Kelly
Oh.... Sometimes I get sidetracked when I'm writing and lose my focus...
The trust issue... That's a huge deal! Huge! In my case I know I could never trust my ex. If we got back together I would always be wondering, waiting for him to use again. Not wondering if but wondering when. Will today be the day my world comes crashing down again? Not the life I choose. Not the life for anyone.
Here is purpose phase now...1 week in and he in geting "cocky", well I havn'e been man enough to stand up you. just know that sobriety will always have to come first, and like yelling you a storm how he has to be the man he was onece a time ago, and I would luv if he could but the cockiness, ewwwwwwww, I think I'm really done now??.! This alll was HIS fault and suddenly it has become mine??? No way!
Why do you let him drive you crazy?
Hi Miss Kelly Ann,
I have an issue that I'm dealing with. I totally agree with you and your idea that women should put themselves first, and their children first. I was married to a drug addict for many years. Unfortunately after multiple attempts at sobriety, my husband would relapse time and time again. I was a codependent for many years, covered his butt when he'd miss work, family dinners etc. Would give him thousands of dollars to pay off drug debts. Blah blah blah. It's the same story everyone living with a drug addict has. I finally decided to put myself and my son first and left him. He went into a recovery program and lived with his mother while we were apart. He kept asking me over and over if we would be getting back together. I stayed strong and told him that if I could see that he was getting his life back together, I'd give it a chance. After seeing him fail over and over, my faith in him started to wither away. I started feeling that there really would be no chance of getting back together. He'd ask and I'd just keep telling him that I was waiting for him to get better. Then one morning I was told that he had taken his life. He committed suicide in his mothers basement. That was truly the most horrifying day of my life. The worst part was having to tell my son that his father was dead. What I'm battling with is the fact that my brain tells me what I did wasn't wrong. I still believe that it's not an appropriate environment for a child to live in and it's a terrible way to live as a wife. But my heart aches wondering if I had only done it a different way maybe he'd still be alive. I can't help but feel that way. I'm very torn. Do you think I should have supported him instead of leaving him?
I am so sorry for your loss and most of all your son's loss. In my opinion I don't think what you did was wrong. You can only control your actions and your life, not everyone else's. If you had stayed with him, you and him would have probably stayed in the same cycle of him using, you covering for him, him getting a little better then doing it again. Maybe he would have overdosed? Maybe he would have become violent to you and your child? There are 1000 maybe senarios. He made the choice to leave this world, you and his child. Like I said, we can only control or lives and we must live with the consequences. I pray he is at peace and he no longer feels the pain of being an addict. And I pray you find peace with it. It was not your fault. You put your child first. There is never anything wrong with that. Don't second guess yourself. You're a good mom and did the right thing.
Thanks for your support. It's almost like I need a stranger to verify my actions were right. Just another someone to make me feel better I guess. I believe you when you say that if he was still here he'd probably be using still. I truly believe that. I think he just couldn't imaging living without the use of drugs. It's sad but true. It's just very hard for me to talk to other women and say that I believe they should leave the addict after this happened to me. it's very confusing as you can imagine. My best advice for women is very similar to yours. Do what's right for you because living with an addict is a life long battle. An addict is always an addict and you can most definitely expect relapses to occur. For me, I could no longer stand living that way and I didn't want my son to live with the constant tension that loomed in the air day after day. I fell so sad for my husband but I must say, I don't have that sick feeling day in and day out like I used to. I'd give anything to have him back - for my sons sake but I think he's at peace now and that' comforting. I pray for all the women out there who are going through similar stuff right now.
To the respondent "unsure", without doubt, your decisions were in the best interest of yourself and your kids. I emplore you, do not consider otherwise. I will echo the commnts of "miss_kelly_anne". As a man, and being on your side of things, I completely understand. Parts of me say how did she do it? Yet, here I am saying how did I get here? My wife stole my inactivated credit card and managed to take cash advances on that account that enabled her to purchase "oxycontins". So, please, anyone, what the deuce do I do? I have two kids with her and she wants to move them to Massachusetts.
John,
So very sorry to hear about your situation but I am glad you shared your story with us. So many times we only hear from the women in this situation. But, man or woman, the feelings are the same. The desire to do the right thing, to take care of our kids and ourselves, the desire to help the ones we love... we all share that common bond.
You asked for opinions on what you should do about your wife. I wish I could tell you what to do and make it all better for you, your children and your wife.
If you've read my previous posts I am sure you know my feelings on this already. If she is using and isn't being a good role model for the children, if she is causing drama and stress in the home, she doesn't need to be there. She needs to get help. Anyone who is stealing to feed their addiction to pills clearly has issues and needs professional help. No amount of love or personal support can help her. I say if she loves you and her children she needs to be a big girl, go get help and really commit to it. You have got to be the strong one. I know it is hard. Be strong for the kids and put your foot down. Make her get help or get a divorce. As far as her wanting to move them to Masachusetts. Maybe she needs to concentrate on herself for a little while instead of moving.
Keep us updated. I wish you the very best.
I have read all the comments and have found them to be encouraging and also sad too. I am a 48 year old english lady living in Barbados, been with a 32 year old bajun for 5 years, who is a cocaine addict, and i didnt realise as i have no dealings with drugs at all. I drank quite a bit, but was a controlled drinker, to think of a terminoligy.
Anyway after many years of verbal abuse, smashing up property, etc etc he went to rehab.....3 times but walked out each time. Promising as they do that he will stay clean himself, with the help of meetings, which he didnt do. So up until a couple of days ago we lived together with my two children, 15 and 10. But i told him before that , that if he does cocaine again, we are done. It took the slightest thing to trigger him off and as i said two days ago he left. at 2am in the morning i was woken by the police . they had him because they found him with cocaine on him and wanted to veify his address. They never charged him which really annoyed me and he left. Came back to get his clothes, i think hopeing i would let him back but as he didnt the next morning his smart church clothes were strewn up the street, basically because he knew that would hurt me.
He has no where to live so will be sleeping rough, whereas he had a lovely home with me and kids, and you wonder why they can give it all up for a bit of powder. The trouble is i think we all keep waiting for them to wake up and smell the coffee ....but their not going to are they.? and so we are left picking up the pieces of our tattered emotions because THEY have given us no choice but to kick them out. We are left upset and hurt, and pobablyt have to watch them picking up with some other idiot who will put up with it for a while, and so it goes on. I guess what i am trying to say is i dont want the pain of losing him. And yet i know our life together is me walking on egg shells the whole time and it get wearing.
My sympathies to all those going through what i am going through and my sympathies to the addicts that cannot let go of their addiction. by the way i am almost 6 months clean of alchohol....done to support him as he said he could not be around someone who drinks. Its really hard for me to give up drink as i work in a social world and i love to drink, but i did it, and have stuck with it up till now ...one day at a time. My point being its not drugs and i know that is harder to give up but it is an addiction. Ofcourse i got it thrown in my face that i was miss perfect. WEll i am far from perfect, but when you love someone you so want to help them. Now i just need to be strong and stay away from him. He is about a mile from me so i see him around all the time.
Help!!
Do they ever get better? I'm 12 years into this. Will it ever stop? I feel so responsible for him. I feel like he will die if I put him out. But I might die if he stays. What makes them stop? I am starting to believe that they never do. mb
I'm sorry to hear these stories and this is truly sad for the victims (the partner or family member affected). I am 40 years old and have been with my fiance for about 5 years. I recently found out that she has and alcohol problem which she is kept hidden from me for a while - or perhaps I was too naive to notice. I've never really drank much, never smoked a cigarette, and never touched any kind of drugs. So I had no idea what I was dealing with. Then I came home one day at lunch from work and she was passed out on our bed with an empty bottle of vodka next to the bed. Over the past 6 months that has happened about 4-5 times. Each time she swears it will never happen again. The most recent alcohol situation occurred about 2 months ago. I packed my stuff and was ready to go but she swore it would all change. A few weeks later I came home and her new car was in the garage with 3 flat tires and and the side mirror was hanging off. I went inside and she was pretending to read a book while relaxing on the couch. I asked if she was OK and what was going on. She acted surprised that I would ask....then I asked about the car. She had no idea the car was damaged. Then she stumbled to the garage to see....then I could see she was a mess and she immediately got angry at me and said it was my fault that she drinks and abuses pain pills. So I put her to bed calmly and then started packing my things....again. She slept off her pills over Friday/Saturday and on Sunday she woke up and swore it would never happen again and she'd seek help and go to meetings and all would be wonderful. How many times does this have to happen before I wake up? Do I really spend each day driving home from work wondering if she got fired, got drunk, crashed her car, or hurt someone else? or do I trust that she is on the road to recovery?????? I'm a working professional with a nice job, a beautiful home....I feel that I'm living the American Dream but each day is a crap shoot. My fiance has a 17 year old son in college and I am getting the feeling that she is just using my job/security/kindness so she can simply survive her duties as a mother. She makes no decisions, provides no direction, and has very limited financial means to support her very expensive tastes and her son's spoiled nature. The first few years of our relationship were great, but it seems that time has proven that the person I knew was simply masking the hidden addict that I did not know existed. I hate that I'm complaining about this situation since there are people with obviously bigger problems and I certainly sympathize. But I've kept myself in this holding pattern for the past 1.5 years wondering if she'll truly turn her life around....or am I just wasting my time and she is destined to continually repeating this lifestyle. Advice?????
cont'd from above. After reading my post I realized I skipped some background info. My above mentioned fiance comes from a long line of drug/alchol addicts. I didn't realize they existed until much later in our relationship as she does not communicate much with them. The more I read about addiction I'm learning that there seems to be a hereditary element. Her father and 2 siblings have obvious alchohol problems, and 3 other siblings have chronic drug/alchohol issues. I hate that I tend to make excuses for her and feel that I am responsible or can somehow save her. I'm a very driven man and often think I can do anything....but it seems that recovery is up to her....that being said, I guess I've been enabling this problem since I tend to say, "don't worry, we can beat this together and then I do the research, monitor the situation, and support/reward success". But addiction recovery lies with her. I'm just so tired and frustrated and sad to think that she puts alchohol and pills before her son and before our relationship. My family constantly tells me that I'm being used and taken for granted and deserve better. But it's hard to just walk away when you see someone struggling.
I am the mother of a 22 year old heroin addict, my daughter. we share a house with two other siblings, my husband and I am also the full time carer for her three year old daughter, the light of my life. Because of the situation Ive had to give up full time employment so money is tight. Ive discovered things that happened during my daughters childhood that seemed to come to light after the birth of her daughter and within four months of her being born she turned to heroin. It nearly destroyed me, I believe now that I did have a breakdown, my husband has been my rock. Now three and a half years on we have been on the roller coaster that goes with addiction and dictates your moods. Two months ago my daughter was raped. Now she refuses the help she needs, I know she is terrified that her therapist has unlocked memmories and so she refuses to go back. Im at the end of my tether with her, my sympathy has been replaced with such anger as I look at this monster that used to be my daughter. I cant live like this, I feel like im on the edge again but am scared to put her out as she has many suicide attempts. I know she is very immature for her years and just doesnt seem to be able to cope without me unless she is out of her face and then she takes on the super ego that thinks she is so in control. Please help, I really dont know what to do
I can relate to you I went thru 6 years of having a drug addict in my life till he had too many overdoses and didn't come back leaving behind our son who at the time was 4. I know now when I look back I can see that I done what I thought was important to me as a family but I could have went about it very differently, I only made things worse. I have since remarried and that was 13 years ago but it has been a greiving process.
Being a former addict, I can only say that lies are the fabric which makes up an addict's life.
At the risk of sounding cynical, there is no reason in the world for you to trust him or believe anything he says. If he says "the sky is blue", you better go outside and look up. Chances are, it's not.
The kindest thing that can be done is for you to turn away from him. Do not enable him any further. Eventually, if enough people do this FOR him, he will either wake up or find himself in a jail/institution or a morgue.
I can empathize with him only because I have walked in every footstep he has taken. It took jail, a suspended 8 year prison sentence for selling heroin, hepatitis C and a failing heart to make me wake up (four years clean now).
If more people would have know that they would have been doing me a real favor by doing things we would think unkind, like calling the police, turning away from my nonsense and lies and not enabling, then it would have made it harder for me to continue in my depravity.
I take responsibility for my actions in those yesterdays and the consequences of those actions today. But I would have NEVER done so while I was caught up in that tangled web of addiction and lies.
Sometimes you do need to be "cruel" to be kind.
Ed
Ed, I would first like to say Congrats on your four years sober. That is quite an accomplishment. You should be very proud. Thank you so much for coming on here and sharing your story. So many times we only hear the stories of the people surrounding the addict and not the addict themselves. Thank you for sharing with us. Please come back often.
Elspeth,
My heart truly goes out to you. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story with us. I pray things will turn around for your daughter.
The important person in the story you shared with us is the little three year old girl. She should be protected, loved and taken care of. I am sorry that her mother isn't being the person she needs to be but she does have you and thank God she does. I have lived with an addict but I am not a mother. I can only imagine the pain a mother feels when facing the addiction of their child. If you've read any of my previous posts, I don't sugar coat things. In my, not so professional, opinion your daughter needs to make a choice and make it fast. She needs to pick drugs or family. It's a simple choice to us but extremely hard for her I am sure. I am sure it is difficult for you to take on the responsibility for her child but you don't need the added stress and drama of a drug addict. And a 3 year old does not need to be around an addict at all, ever. That little girl needs stability and love.
All I know to tell you us hold on, be strong and don't give up. You can get through this. I truly believe God doesn't put more on us than we can handle.
My husband is an addict, he went from doing drugs to abusing prescription meds. We had to declare bankruptcy a year into our marriage due to the financial spending he was doing. Everything we own is in pawn so he can pay for his meds because he's always running out early and has to pay full price. He's on dialysis now, dying because of what he's done. And i just found out I'm the only person who has been a match to give him a kidney. So I have this chance to give him life and risk mine at the same time while he's abusing drugs so bad that he's slurring his words and sleeping all the time. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through.
Hi this is the Julie that the husband broke my wrist in to. I finally packed my things & left him this past September. I have or feel that I have done for him all I can do. Just like now he is gone in our new truck haven't seen him for 2 days. He lost him job in July right after that I had surgery & he pushed me down the hall because I didnt get him money fast enough. Right after that he went to rehab again. Came home & started abusing pill within a few days. That was at the end of August I had surgery again in October he came by on the pretense to see me & all it was to get money & still the pain pills the dr gave me. Now he has learned to cook meth & thats his new hobby. He has been arrested twice in December & got a ticket for reckless driving. I have finally to go see about a divorce. It is so hard because I do love him. He stays angry with me because I won't come back home. But, I can't I am scared what he will do to me. Threatens to do all kinds of things to me. He is suppose to go to court tomorrow we will see. I hate that it all has come down to this. All I can do is pray that the man above keeps his hand on him & watches over him. I know how you all feel about being embrassed & hurt. Its like you ask yourself all the time what do I do what is the right thing to do. Do I stay or do I go. Do I feed him or let him go hunger it is so very hard. May God guide & protect us all.
I am crying becuase you are describing my husband and although he has remained sober from pills and cocaine he is still very much addicted to marijuanna to the point where he is literally jonesing for it. I have been so scared becuase I dont work and he does becuase I have invested three years of my life and I dont even know who I am anymore if Im not saving him, but your blog your words they let me know that im not alone that there is love and happiness after an addict. I m going to get my life together I hope you do and I hope for both of us a great new life....
All of these stories sound really familiar to me in one way, or another.
I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years, but I've known him longer than that. When I first met him, he was an alcoholic and used cocaine and meth. By the time he and I started dating, he had been sober for about 4 years. However, a year and a half ago, I began to notice some major differences in him. He would make plans with me, and then not come over. He wouldn't take my calls, or return my messages on occasions. When he would come over, he would either be very tired, or very wired. He played it off as depression (lost his job earlier in the year).
Well, just over a year now, we've been living together, and I found that he's been abusing his prescription med, adderall. Every other week he would be up for several days in a row, watching porn and masturbating in front of me after refusing to have sex with me. Obviously, that is very hurtful, and I would get upset and arguements would ensue. Well, to "solve" the problem of my "nagging" at him, he's taken to sitting in his car for the 2 to 3 days, watching porn on his phone, and not coming home until he finally needs to sleep. Then, he's back to a depressed state, and wants very little to do with me then as well. A couple weeks later, and he doesn't come home.
As I write this now, he hasn't come home from work, bothered to call, or text me.
Yes, I too have had depression issues for most of my life, but now it's gotten to the point where I can barely pull myself out of bed. I have thoughts of suicide. My self esteem is non existant anymore.
Even as I write all this down for complete strangers to read, I'm even wondering why I still love this man, and can't seem to force myself to leave! I think mainly it's because I'm hoping that the man I fell in love with will return to me. But it's rather bleak as he refuses to admit that he has a problem. I know that I can't change him. I know that I cannot help someone who refuses the help.
I'm currently in therapy, and I'm hoping I'll gain my strength back for my sake.
Hello everyone,
I lost my husband 16 months ago. We were together for 26 years...and he had both a heroine and alcohol addiction...
We had no children, we lost one 4 months into the pregnancy.
He was injecting heroine when I first met him. This scared the shit out of me and the first few months even though we were madly in love, I could not decide whether to stay or go...
Six months after we met and still together, he got sick from bad stuff and asked me to drive him home...
We had an accident...He was not injured, but I suffered a concussion and a brain hemorrhage, as well as lower back and hip injuries, of which the consequences I still suffer from to this day...
He took very good care of me and did everything to help me get better.Took me abroad to see doctors there, the lot!
This incident made me decide to stay with him...he genuinely loved and cared for me...
He was an exceptionally gentle and sensitive soul!He adored animals and so did I, and this was our strongest common bond, as we later came to rescue over 50 strays throughout the years...and this tied us even more.
All our life together was a constant battle against heroine.
He made numerous attempts to detox on his own but would strictly refuse to be hospitalized.
He would try himself either with cough syrup,or codeine pills, methadone etc.But he would always relapse...
The 4th year he was really bad and asked me to help him detox by going to an island and giving him his 'rations' myself. He did manage it and two months later we left for the UK for me to study.
1987 it was when he completely stopped injecting heroine.
He stayed clean for a couple of years, but then his parents dragged him back to our country while I was still in the UK studying and he started smoking it...'chasing the dragon'...
When I finished my studies and came back he was struggling to quit again, as we were supposed to get married (9 years later)and I had told him the only way I would marry him would be for him to be clean.
He sort of managed for a few months, but then started all over again...
For ten years, it was an on/off thing all the time, with endless arguments and fights, desperation, pain and anger mixed with apologies, forgiveness, love and compassion...
After 2001 though, he started having problems with his legs circulation -a hereditary condition exacerbated by his drug abuse-and then alcohol came into the scene...
This was the worst!Worse than heroine I would dare to say...
His brain began failing, his memory going, one car accident after another...a nightmare!
I could not work, he was a full time job...Besides, he did not want me to work and became very controlling and paranoid.One moment he was yelling and the other bringing roses and chocolates to apologize...
I nearly went crazy...and finally came the moment where I got really sick...in early 2008.Had to be operated and still then the doctors could not figure out what was wrong with me...
He totally lost it then, thinking that he would lose me and he drank himself to death...He was drinking 3 bottles of vodka per day, plus smoking heroine...
Miraculously I recovered in three months but he did not...
His heart and liver were in a mess and he finally died suddenly in his sleep October 2008 at home...
A few days before he died, I was feeling I would die of exhaustion and told him..."You either go for detox or I will die of exhaustion"...I never thought he would 'set me free' this way...by leaving forever...
16 months after he's gone, I still miss him terribly...
What do I miss you may ask, since most of my life with him was a nightmare?
Well...I miss the wonderful soul he was and what we could have had if the addiction was not there...
I mourn for what 'could' have been and for the exceptional gentle, kind, generous, compassionate person he was...
All of his life he had an attitude towards himself as if he had to 'pay'...as if he was guilty...he felt unwanted...from his family and mainly his mother.
The psychiatrists that I had managed to take him a few times all had said the same thing:"If his mother does not come with him for family therapy, this man is dead"...
I had asked her, begged her to go, but she wouldn't...her reply would be:"Goodness!What the people will say?"...
She never moved a finger to help him...living her own little cosy life,not giving a rat's ass about him.
I am writing this for three reasons:
One is to tell you that you can NOT change someone unless they feel the inner urge to do so themselves.
The second is, to tell you that you should NEVER betray yourself for someone else, no matter if they are your whole life...Actually you should never allow anyone to become your whole life...
And finally, to all those mothers of addicts out there, do EVERYTHING you can for your children BEFORE it is too late.
Inform yourselves, educate yourselves about drugs/alcohol and addiction.And if you feel your child has a problem, GO for family therapy!!!
Physical detox means nothing, anyone can do it...it is the psychological traumas and inner conflicts that have to be worked on in order to get to the bottom of the initial cause of the addiction.
Some people have addictive personalities, but that does not mean that they can not keep them under control, once they know it and know how to handle it without self destructing.
People with addiction problems are not black sheep...they are people in need of help!And the only ones who can do this at an early stage when it is most possible to help is their parents and family.
People with addictions long for real motherly unconditional love...and if they have not gotten it at home, they will never be able to get it from anyone else...
They need parents who genuinely care for them, who show interest in what they do and feel, who communicate with them not only intellectually but emotionally too.
Parents who can give them good, warm love and teach them boundaries, self control and help them channel their creativity, their potential.
I read this and I feel like everyone is telling my story. I am currently in a relationship with an addict. That has taken a lot of me to admit. I knew he had been to rehab before but I completely underestimated addiction. I thought that I could handle it, that it was a state of mind. And for a while we did, he lived in a sober-living home and we were good. I got pregnant and we decided to start a family. We were living in separate cities so I started to look for apartments and got ready so sign a lease. The morning that I was going to give my deposit, he tells me he's been smoking crack. I was 6 months pregnant. He said he was sorry and wanted to be a family with me and would do anything to be sober, incl. sobers and rehab. I didn't want my son to grow up without a father because I think that a child needs both parents....I'm beginning to think its not true. We moved in together and he promised he would get better. I thought he was a drug addict, but he's an alcoholic too. Throughout the end of my pregnancy he went through relapse after relapse after relapse. The lies started and continued about where he was going with who etc. The one night that stands out it my mind is the night he did speed and drank and came home and told me that he never loved me, that he didn't understand why I chose to keep our child and that I was stupid for my decisions. He denied feeling that way when he sobered up but my self-esteem has plummeted. I feel like I am stupid for allowing someone to treat me this way. That I'm not worth better. That maybe this is what I deserve. Our son is now 6 months old and the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I feel that he doesn't see this. I can almost predict the cycle and know when he's going to relapse. This last time, I had gone to the hospital for severe stomach cramps came home doped up on morphine for the pain and exhausted. He went out leaving me with our son alone, got drunk and spent all his money on crack. Did I mention that he just got his cast off his foot for an incident that happened 7 weeks ago where I had to call the cops. He has assaulted me and I fear now for the future. He's never raised a hand to me before but now I'm afraid what might happen the next time he drinks and go for my son. I love him with all my heart, I have never felt love for another man like this. But I don't think I can allow my son to be in this environment. He is such a great person when he's sober, a great partner and a great father. But I can't keep him locked up inside for fear that he's going to drink and do something terrible. As I'm writing this I realize that I'm killing myself as I watch him kill himself...but then who's going to be there for my son? How do I leave? I'm on the lease and can't afford a place on my own. How can I provide for my son alone, but have a stable environment for him as well? How do I find the strength to pack up and leave? I have shared more here than I have shared with my family and friends; it's sad. No one knows what I go through, yet there are probably millions of people who are going through the same thing. So I guess my real question is, how did the ones who left do it? How did you come to the realization that you cannot help them even if they say they want your help? And how do you deal with the guilt that if you leave you may never see them again?
I feel so sorry for you. My girlfriend has been doing pain killers for awhile now, while we we've been in a relationship. I knew she did them before and I got the suspicion she was doing them. Little did i know she pawned everything of value, even her mothers new engagement ring. She would lie to me every day saying she wasn't doing drugs. My heart pressure was through the roof. My head would get pounding headaches from the pressure. Finally, a week ago, she decided to tell me that shes been doing drugs, alot of them. So me and her mother decided to take her to rehab. She went willingly. I don't know whether or not this will change anything, but the lies and deceit are devastating. I am sitting here so worried. I engaged to her and she still would not be truthful with me. It hurts so bad to know that drugs are more important to someone than the person they have said they love many times. There is nothing i can do. I tried so many things to be nice to her and that didnt help. I hope to god things change for the better. I dont know if anyone is going to read this but seriously, why have drugs been invented, why are they so easy to get, and why do they consume people. I love my girlfriend/fiance with the deepest compassion, but that can't make a change. My love is nothing in comparison to the power of these drugs. It makes me feel like I am nothing. I hurt so bad. I wish someone could pick me up and take me away so i dont have to worry about it. No back rubs or hugs can help. The lies just have stuck in my head and rotted. I wish people who do drugs could feel the sorrow I am feeling right now, they would never do them again. Its not too late to start over with someone else, I am 24, so there is a lot of life to live, but i loved my fiance dearly. The plans for the future were so bright, but the plans were nothing but lies. I wish i could pray and cause a change, but that will do nothing. I can cry every day, but that will do nothing. I can fail all of my classes, but that will do nothing. I hope, if I were to kill myself, that might do something. Please god, help everyone, this really sucks.
I have read your stories and I "feel" your pain. My husband of 18 years - has always taken some kind of pills until the last two years of which I hope he is really clean. I believe I know all the signs now. I "NEVER" knew! I've been on anti-depressents since before we married and always associated it with my previous divorce and dealing with my ex husband, but I believe now that it's because of his addiction. My pain started with the rejection of sex. He would make up excuses to not have sex with me! And our sex life in the beginning was great, we couldn't get enough of each other. Then, it started, the blank looks, empty stares, falling asleep, pushing me away and the excuses of why we "shouldn't" have sex. I found out 2 years ago when he admitted to me that he had a drug problem and how stupid I felt, because I NEVER KNEW! All the signs were there but I was never subjected to any atmosphere or people that used and I had no idea. I had him to doctors because of his low libido, marriage counseling, etc and still - I was the one that never knew. I always believed the counselors were on to something but wouldn't come right out to tell me. I guess they were and when he told me, my world came crashing down. I've since then stopped begging him to love me! Stopped wondering what was wrong with me and why he didn't love me or why I didn't turn him on! I'm full of resentment now. Full of anger even tho he is clean and he tries but he is so immature when it comes to conversation - adult conversation! He is a non emotional person, doesn't act like he cares where I'm at or where I've been. I know he loves me and the kids but - there is no emotion with him. Making love takes forever and he's so slow to pick up on hints. I don't make sexual advances anymore, I just kinda hint. I can't be free to be me! I'm afraid of the turn down, not to mention since all the turn downs started I've gained 60 lbs. Don't get me wrong - when we have sex it's great but I still feel an emptiness inside and now I'm to the point where I have to excitement anymore, not even for sex. He's clean and I'm not sure I love him anymore, I want something I'm not sure he can ever give me, but yet if I imagine him with someone else, I get sick, so I know I still love him, but where is he? Where is the man I fell in love with or was he ever real? How can I forgive him for all he's done? How can I be happy again? Is this me or is it the damage he's done? I'm almost 47 years old, it's not like I'm a young chick, but I already know - I could be calmer and I am when he's not around. Anybody out there care to comment on how I can get over the resentment I feel for the years of sexual denial but yet just enough to keep me reeled in? Let me say that I have 2 mean from my past who I could easily be with so I'm not out of the game completely but, I still want my husband. Whoever that is.
I am reading all of these stories and it brings my current situation to mind. I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years. He had told me about going to rehab the summer before we met for crack addiction. At the time, I just said, so we'll never have this problem, right, and he agreed. Ten months into our relationship, he relapsed after going to see his friends in a different town. I didn't know that they were his using buddies, I just thought that they had all been friends since they were toddlers. From there, he would go 3-4 days at a time saying that he was going to stay clean. He even went to a psychiatrist that prescribed these pills that were supposed to suppress the cravings. After 2 months, he finally got involved with an outpatient rehab center and NA/AA.
He was clean for a few months and then he lapsed again, because he cannot handle pressure. This time was only a one-shot deal, and he renewed his committment to sobriety.
He was sober for 8 months, and we were discussing planning our future, setting up a savings account to plan for a wedding and such. He bought a new car for work, since the head gasket in his was dying and relapsed the next day. Mother's Day I spent with his family and he never showed up. I graduated college with my bachelors and he swore he would be there and he didnt make it to the ceremony, and was two hours late to the lunch he had planned with our families and friends.
His mother does nothing but scream and tell him that he's becoming a full fledged junkie and is now telling me that I shouldn't coddle him when he comes home, that I am being too nice. The first time he relapsed, I screamed, cried, cursed, begged, pleaded, etc.. thinking that if he loved me, it would be enough to make him stop.
This time, I make it a point to try and voice my opinion with less pointing and more "when you do..., it makes me feel..." I am so confused as to whether I am doing the right things or not.
I keep reassuring him that recovery will work if he works the program, if you mention inpatient rehab, he refuses to go, but is open to considering outpatient rehab and working the NA/AA program... His mother seems to think that we should manipulate him into seeing a minister that she knows to convince him that he needs to go inpatient for 30 days. Instead of asking him to come with her to talk to someone, she wants to tell him that she needs help with some books to go to a book sale and push him onto this minister.
Today, she screamed at me because when he got a call to go to work (he's a funeral director and on call all of the time) that I should not have let him leave the house since he has only been off the stuff for 2 days. Apparently, I was supposed to call her and she was going to block his car in and tell him that he can't leave.
I'm at a point where I don't know what the right thing to say is, or do. His mother is using this lapse as an excuse to take control, which is something that he resents, and I know that if he is going to bolt, he will do it anyway, but am I wrong for trying to maintain a positive outlook and instead of making a bad situation work, encourage the good steps he is taking, such as going to NA/AA meetings?
Please help...
ssssive heart attack.
Thanks you for listening and may God bless all the addicts and co-dependent people in the world.
Hello Kelly:
Your story is both moving and ultimately liberating.
I would like to invite you to be a guest on my show The PI Window on Business on Blog Talk Radio.
As a means of introducing you to the program, please visit the PI Window on Business Blog (type in PI Window on Business in any search engine and we will be the first to come up).
I would also like to reprint your post in the blog, which will be picked-up by our syndicated network which collectively reaches more than 1.2 million people worldwide each month.
I look forward to your feedback.
Jon Hansen
Host, PI Window on Business Show
Married to an addict for 30 yrs.
I depend on my faith to get me through. God has protected me and my boy's from this addiction. My boy's have been prayed over and the generational curse has been broken. Praise God!! I have a great job and lots of friends who know the story. Yes my husband is alive barely, but I will not support him in anyway with his addictions, it is all in God's hands.
I pray that each of you will find your peace in God & seek his protection with all your heart, there is hope.
Addiction is a 'disease'. Once an addict, always an addict. For instince, if you smoke cigerettes, then quit, 10 years later you can still have a craving for a cigerette. Once you are addicted, you always will be.
My story is about my brother. He is a 21 year old with a herion addiction. My parents are aware, and they keep enabling him. He is their baby. They have always treated him like such especially since we found out about his heart condition, which was treated when he was 12. He had WPW Syndrome (Wolf-Parkinson-White).
He always denying his addiction. But he had admitted to snorting coke and herion. Even when we found herion wrappers in his room, he claimed their were his friends. He is always lying, trying to make himself look good and innocent. My parents believe him, always saying 'were giving him the benefit of the doubt', which to me means they want to ignore the fact. Then they blame themselves on what went wrong.
I hate it, he is making everyone miserable. And they do not want to confront him, because of his anger issues.
And just recently, he was caught out by some under-cover police. The entire time he stated he was there for marijuana, when his friend was picking up herion, which who had a needle ready to shoot up when the police pulled them over.
Story after story, which is all they are, he keeps telling my parents. They do not want to push help on him. They say they can't 'make him' because he is an 'adult'. The kid can not even take a shower regularly, yet hold a job down, so to me that is NOT AN ADULT! And if he is living in their house, they have the RIGHT to MAKE HIM do whatever they want or else kick him out. But no, they do not want to kick him out onto the street.
For god sake, how can you make someone stop enabling someone with an addiction! I know they care and love him, but he is not their little boy anymore, hell with an addiction, he is not my brother anymore either.
I need help, to help him, without pissing my parents off. Before he ends up in jail or better yet, dead! With his previous heart condition, a heart attack will be close in his future :(
I am a drug counselor and it is tough for all parties involved, just remember he probably chose you because you did not know the signs to call him out on what he was doing. One addict knows another addicts actions.. Luckily for you this is a lesson learned unfortunately it took so much from you. Counseling for yourself would be a good option to rid you of those negative feelings because he will most likely never be able to give you answers. I do like what you said at the bottom of your hub in that the kids and families suffer to and do not allow your children to go through that mess.
Amanda,
If your brother needs help and you are willing to step in you can not worry about pissing off your parents. Follow your heart, if you think you can make a difference step in and get your brother help. But, don't be shocked when he goes right back to his old ways. It is true an addict will not get help until they are ready but sometimes you have to make them ready. He will never change or see the error of his ways until he has hit rock bottom. The best thing, in my not-so-professional opinion is for your parents to kick him out. Maybe they have to hit rock bottom too. To enable an addict is to tell them their actions are ok. I wonder, how bad does it have to get for them to realize what they are doing? Will it take them going to their son's funeral?
Research addiction, research treatment options in your area, sit down with them and tell them your concerns first. Then, if that doesn't work and you still want to get him help, the only way I know of is to go through the "drug addicts legal system", as I call it. Get him arrested, get him busted. If he's out using and you know about it, call the cops. I called the cops 100 times on my ex. It was so painful but today he is sober. If he is on probation, call the probation officer get him drug tested. The squeaky wheel gets the oil. Don't give up. And finally, if that doesn't work... Maybe you need to just move on. You can not let the actions of him, your brother or not, no matter how much you love him, cause chaos in your life. --Kelly
Gwen H,
30 years with an addict? Wow! We all must make our own decisions. Stay or go? Help or enable? I will reserve my personal opinions on your decision. I am glad you have your faith and I pray your husband no longer causes you heartache and stress.
--Kelly
Anna,
RUN! YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM.
Run far, far away from this boy. (Yes, I said boy.. he is clearly not a grown up, adult man.)
You are too smart and too young to be in this situation. Breaking up will hurt and you will wonder if you did the right thing. But, you will get over the break up a lot easier than you will get over living with an addict for the rest of your life.
Do you want to have children with this person? Would you want someone to grow up and remember their father in and out of jail and on drugs? Of course not.
I am here to tell you, as I am sure many others will, if you break up with him you are doing the right thing. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM. If he's letting you down now, he will always let you down. He is who he is and obviously isn't ready for the wonderful life you are capable of having. You deserve a man who will be there for your graduation, a man who will be there on Mother's day, a man who will not make you cry. You deserve a good life, a beautiful family and for your dreams to come true.
---Kelly
D,
First, I would like to say I am so proud of you for realizing the problem isn't you. That is an amazing thing that a lot of people in your situation are unable to do.
I understand you love this man but my question to you is why?
Can you answer that question? Who is your husband and why do you love him?
Should be easy questions. You are still young and have plenty of life ahead of you. It is up to you how you spend the rest of it. Remember, we only get one shot at this.
NEVER REGRET ANYTHING, AT ONE TIME IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANTED.
electrastardust,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am truly moved. I hope everyone takes your words to heart.
"I am writing this for three reasons:
One is to tell you that you can NOT change someone unless they feel the inner urge to do so themselves.
The second is, to tell you that you should NEVER betray yourself for someone else, no matter if they are your whole life...Actually you should never allow anyone to become your whole life...
And finally, to all those mothers of addicts out there, do EVERYTHING you can for your children BEFORE it is too late."
Reading over several of the stories posted here I noticed you are feeling like you are reaching out to "strangers". We aren't strangers. Everyone on here has a common bond. Please share and connect with one another. We aren't strangers at all.
--Kelly
Vivian,
I am so glad my story could help you. When I first posted it I didn't know if anyone would read it. I just wrote it to get it out of my system, get it out of my mind.
You are very right. You are not alone and you are loved.
I don't know any of you who write here but I do love you all.
--Kelly
Kelly, I didn't realize you had posted this and received so many comments. I know you went through a hard time. We are women who are loving, productive and independent. We think we can fix whatever is wrong in someone else by love, and caring. It takes a lot to realize that it is our of our power. I lost the father of my children because of drugs. He quit us. He thinks I have forgotten, so he won't admit it, and I won't go into it here. Now he has Hepatitus C. due to the drugs. Trust is impossible when someone is on drugs, even though you may both actually love each other.
I had my husband of 18 years leave because he wouldn't get off the drugs. Three years went by and there was a restraining order and I thought I was over him. I got a call and he was in a coma in the hospital. I went there thinking I would only be there to support my 3 children. He had a severe brain injury. He had probably 100 staples in his head. He was on deaths door, then he woke up and I was there everyday and when it was time to discharge him I told him he needed to go to drug rehab. I was going to pay for all of it. He begged me to come home. I said no. It killed me because I have never stopped loving him. A week later he used drugs again, and the bleed started again. This time he never woke up. Knowing that he was risking his life still was willing to do drugs.I took care of him and tried to help him and loved him and he chose the drugs. While I was at his side I whispered in his ear, I love you, I never stopped loving you. A few days later with me at his side he died.
I have been reading all the different stories and I can't believe how many sound like my life.
I have been married for 20 years and my husband has been using through out the marriage. I found myself in denial for so many years but now I just ready to explode. I have 3 children with him. One is out of the house but 2 are still living at home, 7&14. He has not been a great father nor husband for years. He has been on suboxone for over a year, showing that he is trying but have found straws, razors, empty pens in different places. He failed his urine test at the doctor about 3 months ago and I laid everything out on the line. Clean yourself up or get out. Well, he has failed it again and I am besides myself. He has figured out the system with doing meth and suboxone and how many days he needs to be clean until test day but this time he failed. He is like living with a roller coaster. He is either cleaning the garage, house, yard and really accomplishing nothing or he is sleeping and in a horrible angry mood and he lies all the time. I have been a stay at home mom for all these years and I just don't know what to do. With out his income I have nothing. I am drained and just don't have any more to give. Now of course he is sorry and is going to clean up inside myself I'm just asking when is going to be the next time? I already have no faith in his sobriety. I constantly have headaches and just unhappy with myself for putting up with this. ANY ADVICE
Hi,
There was a link to this hub on one I just read about 10 steps to getting sober. As I read line by line of your story I just knew where it was going to lead. I am glad you did have some days of happiness with this man and I'm glad you figured out that fixing him is not within your power. Al-Anon isn't for everyone, but it sure beats living as a 24-7 babysitter to an active (and lying!) addict.
You have a lot of courage (especially to post the beautiful pic from your wedding and then the "after" pic of your man).
Thank you for this very honest and helpful hub.
All the best to you, MM
"Tell me about your father."
"He was a drug addict, he died of an overdose in our living room."
"Tell me about your mother."
"My mother was always upset, sad, crying, stressed."
"Tell me about your childhood."
"I was scared a lot and wondered why I didn't have a normal family like my friends. My parents yelled at each other because my dad was a drug addict. They thought I didn't know."
Based on my experience with an addict, it is so crucial to understand how the addicted individual's mind works and how they make decisions - a newer approach to this is for family members of addicted individuals to go through a treatment center themselves, this will provide them with the tools that will help them help the addicted and manage their lives... what do you think of this concept?
An example of this type of rehab facility can be found at www.ahomeaway.org
Wow reading all these stories brings tears to my eyes. When I met my current partner 5 years ago he told me that he had been using crack in the past but stopped on his own and had been clean for over a year. I asked if this would be a problem as I had zero experience with drugs and I was reassured that he had no desire to "go back there". Once we had been together a few months I also realized that he had a problem with alcohol. This problem progressed over the time that we have been together and I know now that he is definitely an alcoholic. At the beginning of this year he lost his job, a very good job. He had been on sick leave (for depression and PTSD) and when he returned they fired him.Yes, he has a lawsuit filed. However, after being fired he started using crack again. He had been using for about 4 months before I even knew. He is a master manipulator and liar. I found out when he started disappearing for hours on end. It is not uncommon for him to be gone for 12-14 hours with no phone calls etc. Once I found out of course I told him that it had to stop. And he agreed. And of course stupidly I believed him. For the past 6 months he has been relapsing, relapsing and relapsing again. He tells me that relapsing is part of the whole recovery thing. Every time he relapses he is devestated. He promises me the world. He attends meetings more regularly. Then he relapses again. His longest time clean has been 7 weeks...the shortest..maybe two days. He has however stopped drinking .... so I guess there is progress???? He attends meetings regularly but in my opinion is just taking up space. He has all the tools but can not consistently use them...or chooses not too. We go for counselling together and I really believe he wants to get healthy but then that addiction comes into play again. Last time he pulled an all nighter he decided that I would hold on to all his bank cards for him so that he couldnt access money. Sounds good right? Except for the fact he went to the bank and said he didnt have his bank card and they let him take money out anyway...which he then carried around in his sock for a few days until he used again. Sorry but....wth??? Anyway, I sit here scared and worried and hopeless. I love this man. He is caring and wonderful and we could have a wonderful life together. I have told him that I can't live this way anymore...and he agrees and wants to be better. But I am so scared that this addiction is bigger than what he thinks he can handle...or if he is just telling me what I want to hear.
anyway...thanks everyone else for sharing.
Thank you, thank you! I have been with my boyfriend now for 1.5 years and I had no idea how popular pills are! Have I really been living under a rock??? I have always been successful, happy and loving life until recently. I am single mom raising 2 girls, one is 10 and the other is 16. They are terrific girls and I am so fortunate to have them in my life...UNTIL my youngest told me this morning that my boyfriend picked her up from school yesterday and took her to one of his pill friends to buy pills. The guy is unemployed, begs me for gas money everyday and of course I give it to him. (No tellin how he gets his pills, scared to find out) My girls do not like him as he is moody or asleep all of the time cause of the pills.
I did not know about this when he moved in. I knew that he did pills, but not to this extent. He confided in me once he was in that he has been in rehab twice. When we met, he was clean, a major gym rat and frankly so hot! I had lotsa of fun with him. Now, he rarley takes a shower, does not work out, complains all of the time about everything. The only time he is happy and nice is if he is high and that depends on what pill he took. If he takes his xanax that he gets prescribed, he is drooling and falling asleep in his food, etc. If it is some other pills that he is taking (which I do not know all that he takes) he is in the good mood and tolerable. I would have never allowed him to move in. He hid the degree of his habits for over a year with me as he moved in only about 6 months ago.
By reading your stories, I have realized that I am not crazy and the amount of pain and sadness I have had for the last 6 months was been unmeasurable but too common for others as well. I am so sick of crying in the shower and in front of him only for him to tell me I am way too sensitive. I am not alone! I agree with one of the statements above, we are not strangers, we have a common bond.
So, now, I am faced with loving someone and setting them free and myself free as well. Man, this sucks, but it is what I must do. Prayers are welcome and thank you for all of your stories. This is the first time I have ever written anything on a site, it actually feels great to get this off my chest.
Thank you for posting your story. It is kind similar to what I've been going through...kinda.
I have been with my fiancée for 6 years.. This Friday, december 17, and he has drank since before I've known him. He got a DUI in 2005 and at that time he told the state he was taking prescription drugs so the put him on methadone. Methadone is worse then the drugs he could have been taking before. But he never informed me that he was taking that drug but I did see that he was drinking a lot more then before. Fast forward to December 2007, our daughter is born and life is great. One day I was cleaning and I found a bottle that had his name on it that said methadone. I had never heard of it so I jumped online and found out it was for her ion addicts. This really freaked me out so I called him and told him I found it. He responded like it wasn't a big deal which really upset me. We talked... He cried... I forgave and that was it, we didn't talk about it again for a long time. All of 2008 we worked hard yo get a house and we were able to have a house built and we moved in in 2009. Now in march of 2010, I found out that I was pregnant. Everything in our relationship was prefect. We are young, we have a beautiful daughter, brand new home, 2 brand new cars. We both have great jobs and we are really happy...except for every single day for the past 3-4 years he was drinking a crazy amount of hard liquor(on top of the methadone). Fast forward to November 25,2010.. Our son is born. The only son to carry on his family name. 4 days later he's throwing up blood and we take him to urgent care... They transfer him to ER.... ER transfers him downtown at 2am Tuesday morning (without telling me. I had to get my newborn son home late monday night) so I wake up Tuesday with no text or call from him so I'm freaking out. I finally find a nurse on the other line that's telling me my fiancée can't talk cause he's on a respirator and he has Acute pancreatitis( look it up, it's very serious) I find someone to watch my 2 year old and now my 5 day old babies so I can go across town to the hospital. When I get there... I see him... Bloated, 4 nurses racing around. Stats dropping. 15 different bags of fluids pumping into him. He was "Clinically Dead" when he came in that morning. I look up what was causing all of this and it was all the drinking... Pancreatitis main cause is alcohol. He's 29 years old and was on life support. And when you have the charge nurse come up to you in tears... You know it's bad. I spent that whole night at the hospital, and most of the nurses just kept looking at me like "poor thing, she just had a baby" every single day I go to the hospital and by the grace and mercy of God, he has gotten better and was transferred out of ICU to physical therapy today (12-15-2010, which is our daughters 3rd birthday). BUT since he was out of it for the last 2 weeks( with detoxing under sedation) he is now angry everyone knows about his double life and he still hasn't taken responsibility for what he has done and put us through. I love him so much and we have this whole life ahead of us but if he comes home with this same attitude I don't know how to continue living with him. I've given him so many years of pain that I don't want my children to remember and know a father like this. I'm 27 years old, 2kids and an addict for the love of my life. What do I do? He really is the best guy I know, even the best person. He's sweet and thoughtful, never hurtful or violent but his additions are messing up our lives.
I just wanted to share this with others because I always thought," he's gonna lose his liver when he's old" but I never knew that something like this could happen. If you are living with an alcoholic please inform them that, illness doesn't care how old you are, what race, or lifestyle you think you live or if you have a brand new baby at home, alcohol will kill you... It's not ok, it's not fair to the ones that love you... It's suicide and suicide is selfish...
I am going through something similar but with my father. I would really appriciate someone to talk to. Please e-mail me. janc8591@hotmail.com
Been going through a similar situation to you all. Prayers are with you. Its a roller coaster and more. Sadly our son has put us through all of the above for many many years now. He has been doing ok, and back home as no where else to go. He is an adult now in his 30's. We love him and believe him one more time. Unfortunately tonight he has involved us again in his life, and now he has gone to live else where, I dont know if he will make it, but I want too, so its down to that now. I want to stay strong and look after ourselves now. We love him of course, but will not be going down that road anymore. We hope and pray he makes it.
I know what you are going through my husband of two years relapsed and is addicted to crack. He's stole money he's left and not came home he has lost his job truck and family over this. I have children with him and I can't put them through this I left him. He was lying from the start he has been always using. He called escorts and watches porn all the time. He will use until he's in debt. He lies non sttop. Hes a good liar. He always, ade me believe I was the crazy one. Don't put up with it if they wont help themselves. U will go nuts.
I know what you are going through my husband of two years relapsed and is addicted to crack. He's stole money he's left and not came home he has lost his job truck and family over this. I have children with him and I can't put them through this I left him. He was lying from the start he has been always using. He called escorts and watches porn all the time. He will use until he's in debt. He lies non sttop. Hes a good liar. He always, ade me believe I was the crazy one. Don't put up with it if they wont help themselves. U will go nuts.
thank you for your story and all the other comments. i put my 5yr old daughter to bed tonight after she stood by the window for almost an hour waiting for her father to come home..and i know now that i am through. thank you for your strength. my husband of 10 yrs has been an addict for so long, and some how i thought love could fix him. i have been through it all, just like you but my love for my daughter will not allow me to put her through this and to destroy myself. i have been so stressed and depressed that it has taken a physical toll on me too. but your story has helped me, knowing i am not alone.
Thank you for telling your story. I cried through most of it. I'm trying to get out right now. You are so lucky you didn't have any children. Read my hubs and you'll know my story. http://hubpages.com/profile/tonzofkids
Yeah I have read ur story over and over because it makes me feel relief knowing im not alone as well. And I might add that relapse is always a part of recovery. And for all of u women and men who have been hurt from someones drug use and don't know what to do..you have to think of if u can live with another day of the disappearing the toll it takes on each of you...the money loss.. lack of sleep... children hurting...lies...seeing them in that state..all the pain.. because its easy for an addict to say they will get helpand do it. But its alot harder to continue down the right path . I know because I have forgave him over and over and heard the same lines how he will change. I get so happy to year it every time too,so I take him back once agin. When really im just setting myself up for more heartache. I say if they have relapsed three plus times they mostlikely aren't going to change.
PRAYING for the Grace to do HIS WILL,
and watching STEVE WILKOS and Judge TOLER regularly on TV has Empowered me and if there is ANYTHING I can do for any of Y'all, pl do not hesitate to email me at
ptsdcure@hotmail.com
Reading everyones stories made me cry, i know exactly how most of you are feeling and can relate to so much reguarding an addicts behaviour and what you go through being a partner to an addict. I have been with my partner for 3 years, untill recently when we split when he turned up at my birthday meal slurring, falling asleep and looking like death. He said he was just tired! He is a herion addict, or recovering heroin addict as he likes to call it, along with more or less any other drug he can get his hands on. He lies, steals, walks out, shouts, goes missing all of what everyone on here has explained really. He still tells me he loves me though and wants me back but i know thats because i do his washing, ironing, feed him, clothe him etc etc. Thats what hurts the most, 3 years ive put my life and soul into this relationship and done things to "help" him i never thought id do and i feel awful. I love him but dont want too, i feel used more then anything i have a good job a nice home and have loved him more then anyone in my life, i dont understand how something that he will openly admit only ends up causing him misery can be more important to him? I sympathise with everyones stories on here as i know the feeling very well that comes with loving an addict and i wouldnt wish it on anybody its heart renching and my thoughts are with you all, maybe i pray one day they will wake up and smell the coffee.......maybe. xx
KG- when you are dealing with an addict they will choose drugs over the people closest to them and the ones that help them the most. That's who addicts hurt the most too. Its ok to be there for an addict because they need someone there to count on them and give them hope. But if they continue to hurt the people they love by relapsing..then its time to let them go. If they don't want to help themselves they wont get better. Or until they hit rock bottom and have nothins or die. So never give an addict cash. It will most likely be spent on drugs. Let them have nothing even though it will be hard to cut someone off of everything. Ccause the love u have for them is so strong..
Thank you all so very much for sharing your stories and for your support of me and one another. Just when you think you're alone in the world, no one understands you see something like this. People going through the exact same thing you are. I am constantly amazed at the stories people share. I pray for each and every one of you and can honestly say I know how you feel.
I urge you to connect with each other via messenger, email or even phone. Reach out. Don't be afraid to post your messenger ID. My yahoo is miss_kelly_anne and you can find me on Facebook or email me miss_kelly_anne@yahoo.com.
Again, thank you all for sharing.
Personal update: I am pleased to report that my ex is reasonably sober, has a girlfriend and a baby on the way. Good for him. I know he can be a good father if he wants to be, if he chooses his child over drugs. I am very happy. I have a job that I love. I've been there 9 months. I had a great, then not so great, boyfriend for a while and now I'm single again. I am still growing and learning from my experience with an addict and it has made me a stronger, wiser person. I will try to pop in from time to time and update y'all.
Again, Thank you. You are not alone, you are loved and this too shall pass. Don't give up.
Love you all! ((hugs))
At least u can see the warning signs of an addict now kelly. You knw the lies, and what they do to try to fool you. Glad to hear your life is going great. Everyones life can turn great if they do the right things.
I have read each persons comments before i write my own.
I am sadened at the amount pain drugs cause. I got in the habit of thinking its only me, my problem. I have been married to my husband for 17 yrs, with 4 children, all of which he has been a addict of one thing or another. I was unaware before we married of his bipolar issues, they dont help matters. He started with weed and beer, moved to speed, and now lots of pain killers. As of right now the police have asked him to leave because our oldest son called 911 after a pill induced rampage.
This speaks volumes to me!! My son called the police!!
All along i have tried to protect my children by staying, knowing i would be in control of their time with their dad, and now i see that i have believed all the lies, even my own!! I know he will not change ever!!
God has blessed me with a new job, i know god can support me and my kids, and so im moving forward. The police said my children can be taken by dhs, what a terrible mother i feel like!! To hear so many stories is very encouring.. I will keep you in my prayers..
So it has been very encouraging to read all the comments written here and I can definitely relate to your feelings of anger and helplessness. It is not my spouse but my parents who are the addicts, my mother specifically. Despite my attempts to offer her a life of Christianity and a drug/alcohol free environment, she responds only in childish cruelty and selfishness. I am so tired of it all. Due to the issues, I left home at 15 and made a life for myself, with the help of God, with good friends and loving and caring people who know how to both give and receive. Last year my mother and I decided to live together again after 7 years of not. Worst decision ever! Though she made comments about good intentions, she is still very much an addict with her lies and empty promises.
I hate it because I so desperately want her to be a mother to me, even though I am an adult now. I want to be able to have an adult conversation with her! She refuses.... or can't maybe. I'm not sure. I can never seem to shake the hurt, always hoping that one day she will show me love, will speak truthfully to me, or even just one time, she would actually mean it when she says the empty words "I love you." I know those words have meaning, but not from her. I wanted to post and ask the addicts and/or mothers on here to give their children a chance and to remove them from the situation. It kills us. We look to you for love and answers and disappearing for days at a time, crying, drooling and yelling are not the responses we want. Please please get your kids away from them. They will never be able to properly show your child the love they need and want, only what is left over after their love for their addiction and themselves. Instead of compassion, as a spouse or mother may feel, we feel resentment, or worse yet, many daughters and sons blame themselves, even if that rationale is totally irrational.
I am choosing to live a life away from my Mom now and have asked her live elsewhere. She is moving out as I write this. I am not giving up on her but going down with her benefits no one. I hope that each one of you also has the courage to do the same. You are not giving up, you are simply giving them and you a chance to grow. If they choose not to take it- ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. Only if you choose not to take that time to grow yourself can you choose to take the blame.
WOW...you are brave to share your story. Thank you. My husband of 21 years is an addict to cigs, porn and light drinking.....I can always tell when porn is a problem because he starts drinking again...they go hand in hand...I had to decide if I could still love him or not...I have given him chances over and over again throughout the years...I totally hear what you're saying...you can't lose yourself in the midst of their problems.
omgosh. i read the first story at the top of this page. it just reaffirms what i have learned and know i have to do w my 18 year old daughter who is an addict/alcoholic....whatever. omgosh, the lies, keeping things from u, stealing money, letting them back in the house, trying to help them, our daughter went to a really good adolescent treatment center right b4 she turned 18, I Learned So Much!!! jamie did too, and so did my husband. jamie opted to not put her new knowledge, skills, coping techniques into play, and is basically back at about square 2. she also has severe ADHD, we hav adopted her, both her birthparents hav strong addict backgrounds, jamie is a binge drinker, got into some K2 over Christmas. the sneaking around, the dodging u, having ppl cover for her so i wouldn't see....finally this past week-end i realized jus as i had when we took her to treatment, i had no more answers, i had no way of helping her anymore, she is sick, she has other mental health issues, and behavior problems, so she is not welcome into our home right now. oh, man, this has been horrible, i luv her sooo much, good kid, but has struggled all her life in school, w friends, basically w life. when she was younger i helped her alot, but as she has gotten older, she has avoided or point-blank told me that she didn't want/need my help. i know also i cannot help her. she is now living with her boyfriend, is expecting a baby in september, does have a job, so that is good, but she is so damn miserable, i can c right thru her. God, pls put ur hands on jamie's head and help guide her thru her upcoming experiences she is going to hav in life!!!! Amen
This song hit home for me.
Katy Perry - Circle The Drain Lyrics
This is the last time you say,
After the last line you break,
It's not even a holiday,
Nothing to celebrate.
You give a hundred reasons why,
And you say you're really gonna try.
If I had a nickel for everytime,
I'd overbank.
Thought that I was the exception,
I could have rewrite your addiction,
You could've been the greatest,
But you'd rather get wasted.
You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking' mother.
Can't be your saviour, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.
You say you have to write your rhymes,
Whatever helps you sleep at night
You've become what you despise,
A stereotype
You think you're so rock and roll,
But you're really just a joke.
Had the world in the palm of your hands,
But you fucking choked
Should've been my team mate,
Could've changed your fate,
You say that you love me,
You won't remember in the morning.
You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother.
Can't be your saviour, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.
You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking mother.
Can't be your saviour, I don't have the power.
I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.
Watch you circle the drain,
Watch you circle the drain.
You fall asleep during foreplay,
'Cause the pills you take, are more your forte.
I'm not sticking around to watch you go down.
The song says it well! Because I've been there, I wish I could have saved you, Kelly, from the pain, but I am so proud of how you've taken control of your life.
My ex, JB, was sober when I met him, and stayed that way for a couple of years after we married. It was idyllic. During that time we literally agreed on everything and never argued. He was my best friend and the love and passion in our relationship was beyond any I have ever known before or since. Then it started.
We were married for ten years, but only lived together for a total of about seven. JB was one of those who would clean up and stay clean for a little while . . . until the stress (or whatever) set him off again. His drugs of choice were Methamphetamine and Xanax. One of the effects of Meth is hypersexuality. So every time he went back to it, he started fooling around. He actually moved in with other women a couple of times, and actually told me once that he had fallen in love with someone else. But he always came home to me eventually, begging me to forgive him. And, fool that I was, I took him back more times than I can remember. Then he got this great job, working for a guy who was so good to JB. He actually took JB's truck one day and put new tires on it. JB returned the favor by having an affair with his boss's wife. He came close to getting killed that time. When he came home, I told him to leave.
He hid out for a little while, but eventually moved in with his mother in another state and was able to clean up again. A few months later, with incredible timing (I had just lost my job) he called me to say he'd been offered a job in another state and wanted me to go with him. We moved and had a year or so of bliss. But, as usual, it didn't last.
Some other effects of the meth were that JB also became addicted to porn and his emotional swings (he had been diagnosed as manic-depressive and took meds for it.) became much worse. Because he wasn't under control, he was even given to episodes of spontaneous violence. If there was something in his hand it flew. I cannot tell you how many phones that man broke, as well as whatever the phone hit. He never actually struck me, but sometimes he threw something large enough to make me fall back, injuring myself. He threw cigarettes at me, burning me, and once threw a banana hard enough to leave a bruise. He once lifted the mattress off the bed and threw it across the room. I was on it at the time.
As for me, during this time I gained 70 lbs., went on antidepressants, blood pressure meds, became prone to anxiety attacks and was forced into bankruptcy. Finally, after I actually helped him pass a drug test at work, I realized I was defeating and destroying myself. I became resigned to the fact that he was who he was and if I continued the way I was it would kill both of us. I told him I would never do that again. He cleaned up one more time and was good for a few months. Then I came home one day after work and found a vial of Meth right out in the open in the living room. I just shook my head and went to pack his clothes. There was no pain anymore, only the regrets for wasting so much of my life on a hopeless cause.
We’ve been divorced for seven years now and I'm told he's had a string of girlfriends and another wife since then. (Did I mention that I was his third wife?) He tried to get me back a couple of times, but I refused. And I understand I'm not the only exwife he's tried this with. Even though I still do, and always will, have some remnant of love for him, we seldom talk anymore. His kids, who I helped to raise and love dearly, are grown and two of the three have experienced substance abuse problems or been involved with someone who did. Although I have one grandchild, none of them have married. Only the oldest, scared straight after being charged for dealing pot as a juvenile almost 15 years ago, has escaped the curse.
This story is poignant: Once upon a time there was a frog sitting next to a stream. Along came a scorpion who asked the frog for a ride across the river. The frog said, “No, you would sting me and I would die.” The scorpion said, “No, I promise I won’t sting you, because then I would drown.” The frog considered and thought this was logical, so he told the scorpion to get on his back and they set off across the stream. In the middle of the stream the scorpion stung the frog. The frog cried out, “Why did you do that? Now we will both die!” The scorpion said, “I couldn’t help myself . . . I’m a scorpion.”
If I could advise anyone considering entering into a relationship with an addict or ‘former addict’ (there is really no such thing) I would tell them this:
SCORPIONS ARE SCORPIONS! ADDICTS ARE ADDICTS!
THEY CANNOT HELP THEMSELVES AND ANYONE WHO TRIES TO HELP THEM WILL DIE TRYING! SAVE YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN WHILE YOU CAN!
Hi, I am also in love with an addict. He has chosen drugs over everything else in his life. As a young teen, he used to be a a local baseball star. At 16 he got expelled from school. His dad bought him a guitar to pass the time. He learned to play, joined a band and smoke his first joint he's 47 years old, pot, heroin, meth, acid, cocaine,crack, crank.. Shoot up, puke, shoot up puke. sleep with really nasty people,sleep in the streets for months, and lie, lie, lie. Miss every birthday, holiday, and school function and then says he loves us and his three kids...right. Being an addict always means having to say you're sorry. I'm 51 here's my advice...if he uses TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW!! Your parents, your kids, your best friends, your church folks, your coworkers, your classmates...heck even strangers and tell HIM...call him a junkie and druggie, an addict and a fool. DON'T YOU HIDE FOR HIM!!! NOT ONCE! AND THEN GET HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE! Let God deal with him- Let God rescue him - YOU are not God's deputy! Stop rescuing him. Every time God speaks to him and he cries out in desperation - you rescue him THAT IS A HUGE NO!!! He has to waller in his stupidity so he will genuinely WANT to change. As this is happening go to church and find support from God yourself. Get your kids in a good church. They need stability. They need support. They need friends and hope. If that is not enough go to AA or some family counseling.
I feel ya... You are not alone. Stop crying over that idiot and get a life for you and your kids! Will you stop loving him. NO probably not but you need healed yourself.
Last September I had to bury my husband of 31 years. I feel he was addicted to drugs and that was his downfall. When we married at the ages of 17 and 18 all I knew was he had past durg problems but he was not doing any outrages drugs anymore. Dating he was very attentive and I was with him almost daily. Then we got married and all of that changed. We were married on a Friday and being young had no money for a honeymoon, so on Saturday the friends arrived and basically never left. His drugs of choice at that time that I knew were pot and speed. I was devastated and being young blamed the friends. I have done some awful things to get rid of them, after they would exit he would be normal for awhile and then find some new ones. This went on for the first 5 years of our marriage. They would arrive and I would go into battle mode. My last straw was at the 5 year mark when because of him locking me out of the house 9 months pregnant with a 2 year old, I almost lost my life and the babies because of deyhdration and was put in the hospital. While there they induced my labor and then he didn't even show up to pick me up on the day we went home. Both times he was out paryting with friends. He finally showed up late that night of course always so sorry and I will never do it again. I would beleive him and that set of friends would exit and I thought it would be over. The next 10 years it all went underground and the lying started. He would deny it until his last breath and I would be going emotionally crazy trying to prove it. The last time I caught him he had been using for about 2 years and I had to tear his dash of his car apart to find the shit. Because unless I had it in my hand he would deny it and say I was causing the maritail problems in not trusting him. He always worked even though I know now that he would use at work he just never was caught. At this point I have 3 children and really not much education to support us all and felt if I was not around his use would esculate to the point he would lose his job and then no child support. I did make him move out and the first time in 15 years I told both families and friends what he had been doing all those years. They had judged me by my outburst but never knew about his drug use because I was so ashamed and scared. He finally agreed to get professional help and I also learned he had been sexually abused as a child and he said this was why he used and had been using since about 12. He had used almost everything except shooting up things until I had met him. So he went into out patient therapy for the abuse and also outpatient rehab. I for gave him through alot of hard work on my part and therapy. Even had a renewal of vows ceromony and told him then if he ever did it again I was out of there. He assured me it would never happen, he did not like using and wanted to make it all up to me. Things went well with us and he even went back to college. At the time of his death he was working on his 2nd masters degree and worked for a well know fortune 500 company. Played golf, had normal friends that I would not even think about using etc etc.
In 2004 our oldest child committed suicide and it was devastating. We started going to a support group and I also went to therpy but he felt he did not need to. 5 month after the death he felt he didn't even need to go to the support group because he didn't want to turn out like those people in the group and be dealing with the grief years later. He also told me he didn't want to discuss it anymore and felt I had major issues about it not him. This to me was abuse and at the end of it I think you will agree. I countinued my therapy and felt like I was dealing with it as well as anyone and the people in my life agreed. Fast forward, in 2009 I started feeling like something was wrong. Behaviors were off, I could only compare the feelings I was having to those from the past. But this time he was more successful and the stoned friends were not around, and I just couldn't see some of the past signs. So I thought he was having a affair. By 20010 my doubts had grown, everything was getting worse. I really didn't think it was drugs and even questioned him about it and thought he would never do that again. So then the abused started in full swing, I was the one with the problem, I had not got over the death of my child, I had not forgiven him of the past etc etc. I thouhgt I was going crazy trying to defend myself, my family thought I was wrong because looked at what he accomplished, my other 2 children kept reassuring me and playing along. I was in hell. In May of last year he kicked me out of the house and things just kept spiraling down. By the end of May he was telling me he was so sorry, he wanted to go to therapy together and that he saw were he was neglecting me. I moved back home. We went to therapy and again he started with it was all my problems with past issues. I know I might have looked like I was the problem because he would have me so worked up in defending myself that I am sure his calm demeanor looked normal. But he was still doing some odd things at home and by now I felt like the past, until I caught he would continue to deny, but I still felt it was a woman most likly. Now this was also causing problems with the children and they seemed to me to be acting strangly to. They both are adults, one in college, one graduated but looking for a job. They both had become very disrespectful to me and semed to be very hostile to my situation. He was on a trip to china for 2 week after the first of August. During this time I found out and caught my daughters had hacked into my aol account and facebbok. They were taking things I had said to family and friends out of context and were emailing lies to there father in china. We had limited phone contact and also were emailing most of the time. He I feel mistakenly, attached a email to me with a communication to them on it and that is how I found it out. I was livid to say the least with all of them. He returned to the states on Aug 20th and the battles began. On Sunday the 22nd after a almost physical fight with my oldest daughter, she blurted out the secret. He had been using for years and had been using my children and their friends to get his drugs. I looked at him and just asked if this was true and he did not answer just got up and left the room. I questioned my daughters over the next hour or so. He would have them deal with the dealers and even go and get his drugs and they would leave them hidden around the house. He had my daughter going into the bad parts of town, he was calling them sometimes up to 5 or 6 times a day to get his score. In 2009 my daughter quit getting it for him after a bad experience, but then set him up with all the dealers so he could get it himself. While she was getting it she said it was only pot, burt that he had been using at work and at home all the time. And had some sort of drug paraphnella that kept down the smell and would only use it outside or he would go on normal errends etc. He continued to drink on ocassional and now in hindsight there were times I felt he was high but he would say he just had to many beers. Well I went to confront him and found him passed out and uncouncious. I called a ambulance and he went to the hospital for a overdose of my anxety meds. He was then sent to a physc ward and was released after 24 hours even after me telling them this story. He had even convicined my daughters he had to use drugs to be around ME, they thought pot was alright and denied his addictions to theirselves. I was definetly in hell. I tryed to get him help but also look out formyself. I didn't pack my bags and leave him in that state but I also was not that forgiving fool. We both were still seeing the therapist seperatly and she had been fooled too. He was put on some meds for depression and was told to go to out patient rehab if he felt it was a problem. I felt like I was going crazy. He returned to work and we put up all the things and meds in the house that he might use to hurt himself. He o
yup yup yup, addiction truly sucks. It wrecks lives and infects children and pets. My poor dog looks like she needs meds. Yet we stay...and stay...and stay. The only thing worse than the behaviours of an active addict are the behaviours of the enabling fools that think by staying they can make a difference. I am one of those enabling fools. I am sorry for your pain. Thanks for sharing.
All of our stories are diffrent but the same.Many of us continue to speak about the addict.What about ourseves.CoDependency is killing us slowly.Were so caught up in loving someone else. That our needs are unmet.Addicts have a GOD just like us weather they use him it's up to them. If you love someone you will definetly set them free.As much as it hurts we have no control over anything but ourselves.This thing is easily said then done.You did'nt cause it,cant control it,can't cure it.
When your tired you will surrender it's called letting go and Letting God.We have to remove ourselves out the way in order for him to work with us.Some get it,Some Don't, those incapable will die in there madness. This goes for addicts and co-dependents.I suggest Alanon programs and Therapy.Ask God to grant you the serenity to accept the things you can't change.Courage to change the things you can and wisdom to know the diffrence.Best of Luck
I have found this page whilst looking for some research into the effects addictions have on an addicts family. Please may i say a huge thank you to all these very brave people who have shared their story. I feel so much sadness for each and everyone of you for the suffering you have daily from living with an addict. I hope that you will all find the strength to get help for yourselves through support groups and stop enabling the addict, no one deserves to suffer. god bless to you all
ok ok ive read a lot of these stories. and you all are very nice people i must say. and worded your stories perfectly. ive been down same road with my man going on 4and half years.I could kick myself in the ass for stayng this long.he is still lieing and using and hasnt gone to rehab 3 ods. put me threw hell. yea i woke up amd said same thing the other lady said . did i imagine a guy in the begining i thought was everything . well my answer is this : yes i did i was mainipulated from day 1. just didnt no it. im pisst about it. i gotta kid with a dam liar who takes my money gives me stress gave me tickets debts lost my car in drug area stolen depression .showd me a world my mother warned me about. and im sure all your mothers warned u about to. dont be in denial like them. you know u are being abused addiction is abuse. Wake up it took me 4 half years to wake up. now im pisst im awake my life has gone by. where would i be if i wasnt helping him and i was helpin myself. i dont feel sorry for no addict. they no where and how to find a bag on the street as scary as rhat is. but u think they cant find help. bull! women stop crying and being there mommys.i may seem mean compare to all of u. but im sick of it! i have taken back my life and i live with him still. which that is a mistake.but at least im in motion for a change. i have consistant rules and if they are not followed i call the police. when he is done leaving with police or sleeping outside then maybe he will go to get help . i come first now. not him. let him check my breathing to see if im alive ...fat chance he could care less. you will never be first in a drug addicts eyes drugs are first.If u want to drive yourself in sane keep believing a drug addict. you will end up on drugs call anti depressants. im done i dont love him anymore ive been threw hell . the girls that were left by druggies you are lucky. now u have a real chance for a real relationship. im going o leave when i get my life back together. he will be the dad that lives in the motel down the street. that sux! wake up its there problem stop being a part of a world u dont belong in. you will lose yourself like i did. put your foot down and say no more. get them out every time they break the rules. you wll feel empowered and have time to think about the way life is really supposed to be lived . not the way they have tricked you into thinking it should be. sorry if ive offended anyone. but u will become hard. like me. please be strong for yourself. go with them one day see where they cop see how they use . then u will think again ....it is disgusting!you and your kids are last dammit!how can u love a man who treats u this way. these are my feelngs.
stand by your man i di it got me no where. stand by your kids and yourself put his ass out in the street where he wants to be. if he dies it was his own fault . he already knows he will die before he uses ladies. he dont care drugs mean mire than his health or whatever annyone thinks of him. i gotta go now ......this is raising my blood pressure i gotta think about me...
I am also, like all of you in love with an addict. The first few years of our relationship he was an honest hard working man then after an accident and surgery at work fell into the pain killer trap. it spiraled out of control until in less than a year he was shooting up about 300 dollars of oxy a day. the sad part is I was pregnant, it was to late when I finally figured it out and he shot up in the bathroom of the birthing room and then left and told his friends our baby had died in order to borrow money to get dope. Of course there are many other sad stories I could tell but I had gotten a personal protection order because he had become violent and after two and a half years....I still love him..he is the person I want to be with...he has been through rehab and clean for almost a year, we in the last couple weeks have started talking again because he now wants to have a relationship with our now three year old son. All of the feeling are still there..I am scared but I am also more scared of living my life with out him..I don't know what to do, it could go either way, he could stay clean and we could enjoy the rest of our lives together or he could relapse and I am right back in hell.
Reading through all these stories it truly breaks my heart. And I know how each and every one of you feel.
There is one thing, however, that I disagree with some of you on. Some people have said that they believe addiction is a disease. I do not believe it is a disease. For example, I smoke. I am addicted to nicotine. I do not have a nicotine disease. I simply made a stupid choice to start smoking and continue the stupidity daily. If I am sick or have some sort of a disease I seek medical help to solve the problem. I go to the doctor and get help from a professional. I do not sit around infecting the people around me.
There are real diseases like cancer, MS, and AIDS. Choosing to get f'd up on a substance because you do not want to deal with reality is not a disease. It is a choice. I do not think alcoholics and drug addicts should be placed in the same category as someone with cancer which is an actual disease. Addiction is a choice. It may not be a choice each time they do the drug but it is a choice to continue it without reguard to their own healty or safety and, more importantly the health and safety of the people around them.
If there was an actual disease that you could contract that effected every person in your family and circle of friends don't you think they should quarantine that person?
We have to start putting ourselves first. It seems to me as women it is engrained in us from a young age that we are supposed to be the helpmate to our man. In some instances women feel they are nothing without a man. Why on earth do we continue so stay in these unhealthy and emotionally damaging relationships.
We can blame the addict. We can say it's all their fault and we're doing the right, wifely, christian thing by sticking by our man. Until death do us part right?
I am a christian and do believe God teaches us things in life. I believe he taught me a lot about myself and being strong and independent with my relationship with a drug addict. But he also gave me enough sense to know when it was time to live for me.
I truly hope all of you who are currently in relationships with addicts realize you do not have to be. There is no reason to continue to be unhappy. If you're not happy with your life you can change it. It's YOUR life and you only get one.
I know the feelings of guilt felt by getting out of a relationship with an addict. You do not want to abandon them. You love them. They need you, right? Do you love that person more than you love yourself, your happiness and your sanity? When we are in these relationships they literally suck the life out of us. Being with Charlie consumed me. The worry took over my life.
My advice...
Live for yourself. You get one life. Make better choices than he/she has. Lean from their mistakes and move on. You will be ok. You will survive it. I can already hear you saying.. but what if he/she doesn't survive it? You were not put on this earth to be miserable and take care of someone who is screwed up. They will be fine. It might actually help them. After Charlie and I split up he hit "rock bottom" which I believe all addicts must experience before they will get help. He is now happy, healthy, reasonably off drugs, has a baby on the way and is doing well. If I had taken him back he would be drooling all over my couch right now.
I survived it and you can to. Don't be afraid of living life for you.
Quote from comment on this blog: "my partner of 5 years is a heroin addict and an alcoholic, he keeps promising to go into rehab but he never does. when he is high on drugs he falls aasleep making cigarette burns in all of my funiture and carpets, he never chnges his clothes and smells horrible. I have begeed him to stop but all i get from him is false promises. I have found him overdosed twice, we now have a 2 year old daughter and i am so scared that she will choose the same path, i am only 25 i dont feel able to do this anymore, surely there is more to life than this?"
I am not going to gripe at you for having a child with a man who you know is an addict. I'm sure you already deal with that one.
My concern is that baby. Why on earth are you allowing your child to be around him? I can see staying with someone who is an addict because you don't love yourself enough to get out. But you must love that child enough to get out. RUN!! I, and I'm sure everyone who has posted here, can assure you it will not get better. It will only get worse. You're 25, so young and so much life ahead of you. Get rid of that fool and have a good life with your baby.
RESPONSE TO Heather:
My question to you is do you even know who he is under all those drugs. I'm sure you think you do. We all think we know who they really are. The truth is we are in love with the person they have the potential to be. The person we want them to be. Please, I beg you, do not get back with him. Please do not subject that child to that environment.
It's clear from your post the worry is already effecting you and you're not even back with him. If you're already upset enough to search online, find this blog, read it and post... Honey, clearly just the thought of being in a relationship with him is freaking you out. It wish I coud say it will all be ok and he will change. He will not change. Read the stories of the people on here who have buried their spouses and children. Do not put yourself in that position. You are in control. You can choose the path your life takes. Love yourself, love your child and say goodbye to him. Love isn't enough. Love will fade with time, you will learn from this and be stronger and able to appreciate a true relationship.
If any of you ever need someone to talk to, if you ever want to just get it off your chest you can message me on yahoo (miss_kelly_anne), email me (miss_kelly_anne@yahoo.com) or call me. Email me and I will gladly give you my number. If you need a shoulder I am here for you.
Hey, Kelly, it's amazing how God continues to use you.
Mark, thank you so much. You have such a good soul. I am proud to know you.
My husband is addicted to pot and has been since we got together 11 years ago. Before we met he was in a treatment center for alcoholism and is a recovering alcoholic. It is so hard to communicate with him because he is stoned all the time. I said to him awhile back he had to choose drugs or me he told me if u make me choose it won`t be you i choose. This was devastating for me. I just don`t know what to do anymore.
my partner is an alcholic cocaine chronic addict.
I grew up with this person as friends, i knew he had a problem when we got together but was so innocent to what an addict is all about,
when we 1st got together he did stop, his family could not beleive how he had done this and the change in him..
i beleive now he stopped to suck me in as he didnt want to lose me as no one had given him the time of day before me as i am soft touch a loving person.but now he has me exactly where he wants me and that person has gone hes an evil person.
he is very ill as a result from his drug taking and drinking he is going to die infact he nearly has died before, he has no pancreas left in his stomach due to alchol abuse. as i said earlier he stopped for the first year and was in an AA fellowship which he did very well as an addict is all or nothing. what happens with an addict is they are sick they take one drink and once they have one this may not stop for the next year. in the mean time all sorts happen. he would tell me hes going to work or to his dads and he wasnt there he dissapear for 3 days and come back like its 3 hours hes violent and mind games and blames me and threatens to kill himself as desperate measures to respond, he tells me hes having a breakdown, then one day it occured to me this is lies if he was havign a breakdown he would be on a hospital ward not having the sense to manipulate me or lie about a breakdown.... or when hes in the hospital for me to go pick him up so that he can come back to MY home and recover and be a good boy until the next time....well i am a strong person once pushed and i am going to break this pattern that will always happen as long as i allow it to happen. alanon has helped me its a life line and its about me not him him him......he has his own journey and his own life i should mind my own business and let him have that life of drug taking and drinking if that is what he wants to do.. addiction comes before anyone and anything and always will until that bond is broken, if nothing is lost and someone is always there putting a cushion under them they think this behaviour is acceptable and they have no consequences to there drinking and taking drugs which tells them this is ok to do so. they are living a slow death if it were that good i would be doing it too. they need to hit a rock bottom to ever think about changing if they dont hit bottom they will die or end up in a mental institution this could take 5 to 10 years to get to this point so im not hanging around for a lifetime of misery im getting out in the hope he will hit rock bottom as i love him very much i am broken i am lost i cry all the time.. but he very sick and even if he decided within himself that he wanted recovery he is still sick and has a very long road ahead of him for his thinking and world to change and he is not fit to be in any kind of relationship until being clean for at least a year or two.. and any addict who goes into recovery because they have promised a partner or a family member very rarely suceeds they relapes time and time again and this pattern will continue until the cycle is broken... i have an ex addict friend who has been clean for 10 years and he wanted this for himself he was a desperate drowning man, a drug addict will walk heaven and earth for the next hit so let them act the same to seek help, he can now go to a nightclub he can go to a bar and he is not obssessed with drink and drugs he sees it as a poison that will kill him, he sees it a normal person sees bleach would u drink it knowing what will happen to him if he did....this is the action of someone who now has love peace and serenity...
it takes action not words, nothing changes if nothing changes and u need to salvage your life in the hope that the addict will salvage there own. either way the choice is made by u and them. they will take u down with them they are not your responsibilty...love over shadows this. look at FACTS
Hi Kelly ann, sorry i forgot to say where i was so frustrated and upset when i wrote my post xx
i hope you are well be strong and godbless xx
WOW! I could not read all of this & I know it is way after the fact but I am floored with the responses here. I too lived with an addict. It was horrible and I wanted to leave because I could not keep going through it. We love them but it is very difficult to live with one. I personally say get out while you can before they destroy YOUR life. It is mentally abusive if nothing else. You can not change them, they have to do it on their own! I know it is harsh but you have to look out for yourself especially if kids are involved. They will pick up on the addicts habits and continue the cycle. I do pray and hope addicts find the proper help and come to terms with why this developed in the first place. It is sad to see so many people struggle with this! I wish you all the best.
Hi, i still dont know where my partner is, but i am taking each day as it comes and every week is getting easier, I have so many good friends and family who arnt judgemental and also attend alanon, i know he is sick and ill and is not having a great time, but i have come to beleive that he is in Gods hands and i am powerless, He may die from this stuff. until he wants change then nothing will ever change.
i need to move on, as i become obsessed with his movements, and people tell me what hes doing and if hes still drinking and hes still useing drugs everyday although he text me daily telling me how much he still loves and misses me so bad and that he doesnt want anything from me and that he just wants s normal life and a future with me and no one else and that he will work his ass off to our future...i ignore all contact now and do not respond. this is the only hope and then if he can get a good 6 months or a year clean and sober then i would consider, but this could always happen again and again unless he does it for him not me... i feel i could never have a home or future as if he relapsed i would lose home,
i had 2 years of madness with this man, a few clean months but still argue when dry, this aint love its a codependancy on both parts, ask god to come into my life and move onto better things.. he is selfish to the core and only cares for himself he is an addict period and all self inflicted..he know what is needed to get clean as he has been in a fellowship before, so it takes action not words of love to me... i will take some time to heal now and see what happens i have a lovely home and a job which he is not taking me down with him ..if he doesnt make the right choices i will find some real love elsewhere. i have weird feelings and i greive as if if he is dead and hear messages in my head from him that hes gonna come back and get me and then anger that hes choose addiction over me and left me alone ...times a healer. godbless u all x
Married for 17 yrs....he drank when we got married...thought he would "grow up?" Not! 2 kids/boys later 17 and 13 now, he quit the drinking only to turn to pills, percocet,xanax somas,ambien and loracet. Over the years he has abused me,verbally, mentally, pulled a gun on me christmas morning 5 yrs ago, and shoved me in front of our kids. He LIES all of the time, his cousin sells him pills, I've even begged her to stop selling them to him! I search the house looking for them when i think he is acting weird. I finally left him for 2 weeks the begining of this year but he promised to get help and i came back. 4 months ago he took 15 ambien and ended up in the er and was sent to anchor hospital for a week. That seemed to help him for about a month but slowly i see the old person returning. they diagnosed him with major depression and have him on prozac. I keep seeing his cousins phone number on our cell bill and when i question him he blows up and says "really?" your doing that...when i already asked him if he has talked to her and he says no!He blows up and leaves. I dont believe ANYTHING he tells me. I am now on depression meds and xaxax for panic attacks! I am driving myself nuts? Maybe I am over reactiong? Am I the one thats crazy here?
My boyfriend and I went to high school together but didn't end up together until we were in our late 20's. We would drink together but that's it. Or so I thought. I knew he had a past with drugs. He was an addict of pretty much whatever he could get his hands on for awhile and then quit cold turkey with no follow up help. He has been in and out of jail over the past 15 years. Things were really great for awhile then he started using painkillers. Not just Vicodin and Xanax but also stuff like morphine patches. I was working 2 jobs at the time (He hadn't been able to hold down a job in a year and a half but promised that he was looking.)He was lying and stealing to get money for more. We found out that I was pregnant and it got better again... for a few months before they completely fell apart. He got a DUI (wrecked MY car), and then he got arrested for stealing 4 months before our son, our first child, was due. He has been in jail for 8 months now, has never met his 4 month old son, and he says it is the best thing that has ever happened to him. He says he wouldn't have changed a thing because he never had to. With this last arrest, he thought he lost everything. His family, friends, baby... everything. He hit bottom.
He seems to have changed so drastically in the past 8 months. It's no longer everybody else's fault. It is finally his problem rather than somebody else's. There is no more "poor me." He was sentenced to an intensive 11 month rehab program. He will get out of the program just after the baby turns 1. The only other thing I've heard him this excited about was our baby. He is so happy to finally be getting the help he has needed for the past 20 years. He is planning on not going back to the city we lived in and changing his entire life style. He is concentrating on getting healthy so he can be a part of our lives again. I'm so proud of his attitude and I pray that he has the will and strength to follow through with it. I told him that I will fully support what he is doing (emotionally) as long as it isn't hurting him, myself, or our child. I'm so hopeful that we will someday be a family again. But, I know that the possibility of the old him coming back will always be there, so I'm very cautious. I believe in him and know that he can do anything he puts his mind to. I'm going to have one foot out the door for quite some time, until he can prove himself! I think the hardest part for me will be learning to trust him again. Will I ever be able to not question him? Time will tell. As hard as it will be, I'll leave him in a second for good if he ever uses again. My baby is too important to put him through that kind of a life. I must say though, it's so, so, so nice to know that my boyfriend FINALLY sees that he is worth putting the effort into and that he can be proud of himself again!!! Please pray for us.
Ohh...Well I have definitely found my self in some parts of this !!! The bigger part - sadly. I am really, i suppose, not the only male that almost cried while read this - and this hub should be awarded as best I've seen yet.It is cruel truth.
Well, let ME AS AN EX HEROIN ADDICT TELL YOU SOMETHING:
- I'm coming from a small, but very f---ked up place/country ; SERBIA.
Back in 90's, whole Serbia was owned by mafia. Actually, not mafia - flooded with well organized dirty criminals.They{criminals}, back then, even had their own "wave" of clothing and music. "Dance of 90's ", the track-suit with jeans - was typical "disel" clothing back then. I was just a kid... 14 years old. I was always smarter than other kids...more advanced...my self-continence was on really high level and I could look at my parents struggling to feed my brother,sister and me with 10euros PER MONTH work wage. I was really popular then, and just one day, one of the "though boys" - that boy was already in jail for youth and etc - offered me a job of taking something from him and just transporting it to another guy.With pay rate... I've {what did I know} said yes, of course...I wanted to have my own money, to help my mother, etc... I never looked what is in bag - NEVER. One day, he offered marijuana, and I've said no.Few weeks later, when he offered me, there were some girls ...I said:"OK, what a heck..." ..My best friend was there, I didn't even knew that he smokes weed. We were really kids... Fast forward, couple of months later... On the same spot, in my elementary school, he offered me "white batman" - MDMA{ EXTACY } .I was like:"WOW, it has a real stamp on a pill... SURE. ". I was amazed, to be honest, with a feeling...BUT, i didn't like the UPPER EFFECT of the pill, just the euphoria. Then, a while later, pills were gone.I was soooo nervous. I questioned him does he have ANYTHING BUT WEED ? - He said "horse". I thought, it was some kind of speed, some "light drug"... - IT WAS HEROIN. I can bet, in that time, one of the best someone could get on ANY street of WORLD. I've tried "horse" with my girlfriend that had 13 !!! After two days, I've found out that "horse" is actually heroin, and that - form what I have heard- i will get really bad addicted. I have noticed my gf too, but she - as I - didn't care. JUST FEW MONTHS FROM THAT POINT - I've touched the needle. I couldn't "hit" myself, so I've used to give some junkie on street to give me the IV for quoter of dope.It was working. I was doing real business now, I was "in big game" now, no longer "corner boys" were involved in biz - the real thing started to go around.As the time was passing, my gf and I got really really high tolerance on heroin and we decided to take a brake and make sure that we are not addicts. After JUST FEW HOURS, I've called her and begged her to take the gold from her mother {as mine mothers was already missing - but I haven't take that} , and to sell for money in jewelry.We did it, and we bought 20g of yellow. It lasted for a week. Then again ,lies, promises, and fall...I HAVE ADMIT TO MY PARENTS that I AM AN HEROIN ADDICT IN MY 18th year, and that I am already on 2-3 GRAMS PER DAY plus Tramadol, diazepam, poppy tea, methadone {illicit} and etc... THEN, the real battle started.
I HAVE BEEN HOSPITALIZED, SINCE MY FIRST "DRUG RECORD" FOR TWO TIMES TO GET IMMEDIATE DETOXIFICATION - TWICE. I have tried, officially four times with "Naltrexone" {opiate blockader - antagonist opiate } , but I've failed. The last attempt with antagonists was when I have overdosed and been dead for 45 seconds, until they reanimated me. I've took on my "med"{Naltrexone} 1/2g of heroin, methadone, A BOX of tramadol... then, after that, I have told my mom that there is one more option... My mom was desperate and already lighted a candle for me in church. She didn't believe in methadone treatment or what so ever, because she thought that is just "free drug from a state for addicts to keep them calm". I was disagreeing with her all the time, and ALL I EVER WANTED IS A CHANCE ON "Methadone Maintenance Treatment" and if I go back to street,lying,stealing and IV-ing, I am on street AGAIN {she will trow me out} AND I will be forced to go to one of those Orthodox Churches to rehab... :{ One day, I've didn't sleep.I came out from bad at 4.30, made myself a coffee and left. I got on to road to Novi Sad Methadone Clinic, that's around 70km away , by "stopping". I didn't have a single dinar {cent} at my pocket. NOTHING. Just papers that prove that I was treated already and that I've almost die from "their way", let's try mine now. Here I am. A year and a two months now CLEAN FROM ANY OPIATE, just taking AS PRESCRIBED my medicine - methadone, supervised by my mother. Before she leave the home, at the morning, she gives me my dose {86mg} and she's done with me. NOW; she found her peace, and she tells me how much she surprised is. First five days, she was STILL skeptic. But after three month - on methadone - monitored by doctors, talking with finest specialists ; she said that SHE SEES A MOVE. Now, after a year and a month, she says that I HAVE TURNED 160 DEGREES and that I am the "old" Boris that she knows. Handsome, smart, charismatic, communicative, social - HEALTHY AND ALIVE, NOT LYING,STEELING,DEALING DRUGS... NOTHING.Moved from a gang and street to the warmth of home and family, finished IT ACADEMY, became Network Administrator, and currently studying for INTERNATIONAL EXAM, Microsoft IT Specialist one.
So, at the bottom line, I am off heroin, doing good - but something is happening lately to me ; and I can't describe it properly. I dream about taking tramadol with methadone. Injecting methadone... I am depressed... Lethargic... I don't really know what is happening. I have a girl friend THAT IS A REAL BOOOMB. But, still, SOMETHING IS GOING WRONG AND I HAVE A FEELING THAT I AM ALONE WITH LITTLE TO NO CHOICES LEFT. I believe that it is about dosage, because I am on same dose for 5months. I have developed tolerance now, and my "supervised" doesn't let me to rise it for additional 10mg, because I WILL FIND MY CLOTHES PACKED AND SOON ON STREET. So , once again, I am in situation that my mother wants me best - but what she does is actually gambling with my effort to kick heroin addiction and gambling with my life. But, that doesn't bother me so much - as does the feeling inside me that I feel alone, depressed, with no REAL friends, and... Just don't know. Have a feeling that "my end" is coming much sooner that I though...have a feeling that death is all way around me. In just TWO MONTHS, five from six of my close friends - DIED. Some of them O.D-ed , some from steroids {heart failure} some in gang encounters ... And everything that, just passed by me... That wise, today - I am not sure will I wake up tomorrow, or will I come back from a short walk... That's why I've wrote the Hub "What is the cost of being normal". Thank you all, and I really appreciate if just one person read this comment - and tell me - is there a "better tomorrow" for me ?
Hello lafamillia I have been clean for alittle over two years now and it was not easy getting off heroin and pills. I'm glad you stopped using. In my experience it took me well over a year to truly start feeling "normal". I was taking a lot of opiates for about six years and as you may know they are a depressent . So it took a long time for my brain to regulate itself and begin to feel like myself again. The drugs allowed me not to feel emotions at all so it was tough to deal with the flood of feelings. So what your feeling is ok just remind yourself how far you have come and were you want to be. Life may not be great right now but its a long way from the feeling of withdrawal. From were you started to were you are now is truly heroic . If you read some of the posts above you will see that most people can't come back from addiction but you have taken some of the most difficult steps. The journey is not a easy one, but it will teach you a lot about yourself and the destination is worth it. Good luck keep fighting you are worth it!
Miss Kelly Anne and the other people who shared there stories thank you for your courage people need to know they are not alone. I would like to also say "I am sorry you had to go through this" for the addict that put you through this. As some have already learned please never think you are the cause of there addiction. Until someone is ready to stop there is no way to help them. I lost my wife the love of my life because of my drug addiction. So your stories hit home and were very hard to read but I needed too. My ex wife stayed with me as long as she could but had to leave to protect herself and are beautiful two children. As I reflect back on the time before they left I relize how truly emotionally unaware and unavailable I was. I was able to stare at the women I love and lie to her with no guilt at all. I truly feel as if I was cheating on her with my addiction. The worst time of my addiction was about the time she left about three years ago. Soon after this I went to my third twenty eight day rehab in four years. I have been clean fpr almost two years and our divorce was finalized six months ago. I am randomly tested weekly and just began to see my children unsupervised. It took me about a year to begin to truly feel normal again emotionally and that's when the true reflection of what I put her through really sunk in. How I treated the women of my dreams started to become very painful. I knew if I wanted to make amends I need to everything I could to make sure she is happy and has a good life whether I'm part of it or not. I still love her deeply but I understand she does not trust me. This reality is tough because I grew up in a broken family and never wanted to put my kids through the same thing. Now that I am seeing clearer I see that my ex wife has become very strong and confident. It's just sad to know she became this way not because of our wonderful marriage but by dealing with a drug addicted ass. I am determined to stay healthy and be a great dad to my children. I will always love my ex wife and wish we could be a family. But I know the best thing she ever did For me was leave. I have so much respect for her knowing how much courage it took to make the decision to leave. She saved my life.
My husband of 5 years is a former addict and convicted felon. He sobered up in prison and became a role model for others. When he got out, he did everything right - everyone, even his parole officer, was very proud of him. When I met him, he had been out for over a year and had been clean for 15 years. He was determined to live right and have a good life. He worked hard and moved up in his job to supervisor. We dated, then lived together before getting married two years after meeting. We both wanted to make sure this was right.
Everyone who knows us envys us. Those who know about his past are "SO PROUD" of him. We bought land and a house. We both have wonderful jobs.
My former husband became an alcoholic and gambler and I slowly watched my world fall apart. I worked more than one job to raise my two sons. When they were teenagers I made the decision to divorce him.
So when I met my current husband, my oldest son was in college, and my youngest was in high school. And they fell in love with him, as I did. It was perfect.
Then 3 years ago he had to have major surgery - he had diverticulitis and didn't know it. His colon ruptured and he had to have an emergency colostomy at the age of 40. He almost died. They cut him open from his sternum all the way down to the pubic bone. It was very bad.
After surgery, of course, he was given all sorts of medication - heavy stuff. He was hallucinating and paranoid and it was really weird. The doctor told me that former addicts are effected like that no matter how long they've been clean. Funny, but we never told the surgeon about his past - it was just that obvious.
For the next few months he was on lortab. Then he had a colostomy reversal, which was another major surgery requiring lots of pain meds afterward. His hallucinations this time were so bad I had to lay beside him in the bed to keep him from trying to get up. It took two whole days of sitting on the couch with him talking to imaginary people before he came completely down. Then he had lortab for a while...a LONG while.
In fact, he had lortab for a whole lot longer than I even knew! I thought his symptoms were from the surgeries. I thought his tiredness, naseua, weight loss, moodiness, were from the back-to-back major surgeries. I never dreamed that he was hooked on pills.
For the past three years I have lived with his moodiness, no sex, screwed up sleep patterns, screwed up appetite, and promises that he well get better. All believing it was effects of surgery.
This summer he started throwing up every day. I told him to go to the dr or else. Turns out he had 5 hernias! So he had surgery for hernia repair. I thought "ok, it WAS from the past problems and we're getting it fixed". The only "fixing" it did was his IV fix! And more scripts for pills!!!
I put my foot down at the same time his dr did. He swore he wouldn't do it anymore.
Then two weeks ago, the weekend before Thanksgiving....I come home from work and he's tromping around the yard swearing there are ninjas jumping in the trees and soldiers watching him!
I called my youngest son, who had specialized training for this as an MP and soldier. He and his new wife, who is pregnant, came and staying all weekend until we could convince my husband that no one was climbing on the roof or hiding under the bed. He admitted that he had bought some coke (or what he thought was coke) and shot up, thinking if he did that once it would get him over the withdrawals from lortab. I don’t pretend to understand his reasoning. I just know that his brain was really messed up. I was so shocked and upset I yelled, screamed, cried, and my son had to hold me back from hurting him. I drank a glass of wine to calm down and got so sick my new daughter in law had to put me in the shower. I woke up later wondering how in the world did I end up in this surreal nightmare.
Once my husband came down, he swore it would never happen again and that he was done with all that. For the past two weeks he’s been great – feeling physically bad from withdrawals, but attentive and remorseful. He said he’s feeling like he’s being watched, but we chalked it up to guilt feelings or residual effects of the drugs.
Last night was my company Christmas party, that I was in charge of. We had been looking forward to having a good time, with all this bad stuff behind us. But yesterday afternoon he decided that men were in the woods again. He told me he’s been followed for two weeks. He’s paranoid, but swears he hasn’t taken anything. We go to the party and he spends most of the evening in front of the restaurant smoking and being paranoid. I was totally freaking out inside, but managed to carry on and control the party anyway.
When we left he tells me that two of my coworkers husbands were some of the men that had been following him!! Oh Lord! He has totally lost it! He stayed up all night watching the woods for men and he’s pissed that I don’t believe him. He still swears he hasn’t taken anything.
In two weeks my family will be here for Christmas. My oldest son and his wife, and my precious 2 yr old granddaughter have no idea what’s going on. We put up a good front for Thanksgiving, with my youngest son watching closely for any signs of weirdness.
Part of me wants to get in my car and drive as far away as possible. But I love my home, my life, my job….my crazy husband. And it’s the holidays!
At this point I’m thinking I am living with either a paranoid schizophrenic or someone who’s still using and lying. Either one is more than I can deal with!
I started dating someone about a year and a half ago and I got into some legal trouble because I was into the drugs with him. I was going to meetings and working the twelve steps, moved into a recovery house and all while he lived on the street after getting kicked out of countless treatment programs. I tried to get him to listen to me to get clean but he wouldn't do it. Through the year that I was with him I had three different jobs, he had NONE. I left him, and then went back to him. We tried living together two different times but it wasn't working we kept getting evicted. I lost family and friends.
I was three months clean when he started using heroine, living on the streets, asking me for this and that. One day he got arrested, and had parked my car somewhere down town and I had to walk around in high heels ( I was in court) for five and half hours to look for my car because he was so messed up he wouldn't tell the deputy where my car was. I took that as my only opportunity to escape, so I did. He got out over the weekend and I played along with him that I was with him till he went to treatment, he went but then left two days later. He said he was going to detox. Two nights later, he smashed my drivers side window while I was sitting in it. I called the cops and they found him sleeping in my car that same day but let him go.
It was harder then heck to do what I had to do because I was feeling so guilty but it was the best decision I had ever made. No more watching him nod out with cigerrets in his hands and saying he wasn't sleeping. Or like you said watching him sleep so you knew he was alive and didn't die for his own stupid decisions.
I may have been into crack cociane but I am a recovering addict, but there are those people out there that want nothing to do with recovery and living a healthy life. Being homeless is sometimes an excuse for being an adult and making the right decisons.
Thank you so much for the story and the hope. I'm new to hubpages and I also like writing on these topics. Please check them out and leave me some feedback! Thanks for the hub, I voted up!
I recently ended an 8 year relationship with my live-in partner. His addictions to pills, pot, and booze are stronger than the sum total f our love. He always ran to them before me r anyone else for solace and comfort. As a mother of two great kids I could no longer be a living example of a contradiction between my values and my daily life. He says he loves me a inundates me with messages of remote and regret. It is all still about him and what he believes I owe him, though clothed in requests for "one more chance". I am done. I love him but I am done. I must spend time healing my wounds and rebuilding my faith in the possibility that love can
(sorry, i pressed send prematurely) ....that love can exist for me without lies and the overwhelming sense of being held hostage. I refuse to live in fear anymore.
sorry for all these
Wow.... I need help.. i been living with my boyfriend for abt a year and had no idea he was addicted to meth. 4mnths later after i moved in i found out that je uses and has been using for 6 years straight. I fell in love with him hardddddd... We got engagedd.. before i knew he was using.. couple months later after i found out until this day... I been trying to get him to stop amd i have no luck . Im drained . Last 2 mnths he has changed. I dont even know him anymore.. its like im living with him and he doesnt even bother with me.. im like invisible to him. He has caused me so much pain and he started beating on me real bad. And idk even know why he gets angry over the dumbest stuff.. i love him so much, idk how to help him anymore.. i feelelost. I fel like i wasted all this time with him, and he has lied so much to me. Idk whats the truth or whats a lie. Recently , i moved out, and he told me he was leavinf for awhile...... He wouldnt tell mw where.. he left me.....
continued.... & 5 days after he left me and i moved out. I find out that im pregnant. A few days ago he came and saw me, and he said he is so in love with me . And that hes gunna get a job and handle his buissness and hes coming back for me. But im sure its another lie. I feel lost from all the bull he has put male through. I hate that i love him ... Can yu please EMAIL ME AT pitell10@gmail.com
Please. I need someone to talk to and listen and advice..i lost the love of my life.. and now im pregnant.. im so emotionally broken.. please and thank yu... P.s theres so much more i wanna say, but ill keep that private until you write me..
Pitell10@gmail.com
Hello everyone
My name is Kerry and I have been living with a pain killer addict I feel so physically and emotionally drained I often cry to myself I want to leave and start a new life for me and my children but i can't seem to have the courage I have never been able to speak to anyone as no one understand I feel alone
hello everyone. i am in the midst of a turning point in my life and was very confused but have become very much aware of what imust do now. i too am the wife of an addict and have been hiding it from myself and everyone else for so long. we have been together for 30 yrs and the first 26 were perfect so i thought. i was just letting myself be oblivious to it all. i truely beleived we were soulmates we are best friends and lovers. thats why it so hard. he is in rehab for the second time in a year and does not seem to want to change. we have four children together three alive one baby lost to sudden infant death yrs ago. the past 3 years have been the absolute worst. I did not have anyone to talk to or access to a computer like i do know. i just thank god the worst of my husbands behaviors took place
Hello
My name is Tammy and I have let an addict rule my life for 4 years now.
when i look in the mirror these days i dont know the person that is looking back at me.
I have no money ( and I make good money) , I have no friends or life.
When I get off of work I have a 45 min drive home with my 15 month old baby girl.
When I pull up he is waiting for the cell phone ( we share one) to call his dealer, and make sure she is " GOOD" and God help us if she is not , then the hunt is on.
His drug of choice is morphine,roxy the stronger of the narcotics.
I have caught him "banging them" shooting up.
I have told my self over and over I need to go.
I lost my big house and we are now living in a 3 room dump that his father gave us.
I think I have lost respect for myself
and I am sure my baby girl is a gift from god possibly sent to save me from this Hell.
If I didnt get my self out , I know I have to get her out.
I am numb to his BS these days and I really just dont care how he feels or what he says anymore. He has what he wants his drugs he doesnt need us.
I am at that point I can honestly say I have had enough.
I am so sorry you went through this. Every girl wants her fairytale. Believe me I know...I was the happiest girl in the world and now I am living a nightmare the exact same of events seem to be happening to me. :(
I am a recovering addict who is married to a morphine addict who will not admit it is a problem, who is in complete denial. Why I stay I do not know, my mind fights with should I stay or should I go. I love this man, I married him, but I don't think I even really know who he really is. At times I am so afraid of him, especially when he is out of his meds. I feel unsafe, unsure, scared, confused, weak and yes stupid at times for believing that things will change. I once saw his violent side and left him years later we reunited and married. I knew he had an addiction, I thought love would prevail. Huh, I keep telling myself to leave, I'm sick of watching the pattern, the highs, the lows, the silence, the stonewalling, the regret, the insanity of all. Why don't I leave. How?
Hi I read the stories here and thought that i would share mine. I was married to a man now for almost 25 years. On our 23 wedding anniversary I came home and told him to leave as he was using meth behind my back on occasional use. After I asked him to leave he went hog wild on it. I am from a small town and i was hearing different stores about him. I have been through so much hurt over this man, i dont even know why iam trying to hang on to him. Well, I guess its love. Sometimes i feel so sorry for him and other times I cant stand his guts. My feelings for him are all over the map. I received custody of my 1 year old grandson and I have been raising him now for a year, all alone. I my ex does not even offer me a dime to help out with our grandson. He only cares about himself and I have tried so hard to get him to come around and stop drugs but it does not look like he is willing to change. I mean i have to hand it to him, at least he did not come back. He stayed away because he knows that for now this drug has taken him over and he cannot be around normal people, he has to hang with these drug addicts. This really sucks. In the mits off it all we lost our home because he decided that he did not want to pay the mortage anymore, I mean with his drug habit he couldn't pay his rent the house payment and the drugs, so something had to go and I guess he decided that the house was the thing to let go, I guess it is because it meant the most to me. I dont even know why I talk to him, Love is strong and Iam hoping he will change as I cannot see this being a life career for him. I know that the thing to do is to get rid of him out of my life but for some reason I can't shake him. I dont see him and then boom he shows up. Most of the time it is for sex and yes I have always been there for him for that, weird I know. His friend died last week over drugs and he told me that he is done and does not want to do them anymore, I told him that i will know when he quits. Not sure what to do. i have been living now on my own with my grandson for over 15 months and life is ok. It would be better with him in my life clean. But, seriously how can I ever trust him again and will I be able to get over all the hurt he has caused me. Not sure what to do anymore. Does anyone have any suggestions out there??? He said that he was thinking about coming home but I dont know if that is just another lie because he thinks that is what I want to hear. If anyone has any thing to add in this same situation please let me know. He has blamed me for everything that has happened to him, not sure if he still does but for a long time everything was always my fault and I hated that about him. It seems like I could go on with my life if he wasnt around but then he comes around and my life goes back to him. i am so confused and hurt. Will I ever get over this and HOW ?????
I am living with my addict fiancé. He is currently on methadone (illegally), vicodin, Xanax and any other drug I'm sure. I have the same problems that most of you are having but, my biggest problem is that his "hookup" is his sister and her husband. I've done everything I can think of like cash his paychecks personally, give zero access to credit cards, and pretty much never allowing him access to cash. Yet he continues to use, but how?
I've come to the conclusion that he is stealing from work. This doesn't surprise me because he IS an addict but he prides himself on not being a thief. I can tell if he has been on drugs since I've met him and he would never tell me the truth of course. I question if our relationship is or ever was real. I don't know who to turn to since his own family is supplying the drugs and the sister is considered a God at that house. Let me mention she is pregnant with 2 other children in school and living in her parents 1 bedroom apt. She can't pay her own rent because she and her husband both have expensive addictions. I pray her children don't grow up to be the losers their parents are. I've tried to get his parent to get on board with this "getting YOUR kids sober" train I'm riding solo, but they don't think there's a real problem and their daughter and her husband are completely untouchable.
So after weeks of me thinking he sober I received information from a friend today and I did a stake out outside of his work, and sure enough his sister went to the back and did a sneak deal right in front of my eyes. Of course he made up an extreme lie and I had to shove the evidence in his face ( because I recorded the deal) before he would admit.
I'm at what I think is the end of a long dark journey. I can't believe the things I have done in the name of love for someone who couldn't possibly love me in return. I can't think of anything else to threaten him with, I've tried it all. Soom I will start hating him for the pain he puts me through and I don't want that. From what I've read its time to move on but I'm kind of dependent on his income. We've invested in 2 cars and a mortgage so not only am I throwing years of hard work away but a lot of money as well. My gut tells me that if I could only get his family out of his life he could get sober, but my brains knows better.
On top of all this I'm still worried about telling my family he's an addict and them hating him for all the depression I'm going through. A person shouldn't have to feel this many emotions at once. So in the end I'm in a losing battle all alone cuz I can't tell anyone this and the people who do know wont do a thing to help their own family member. I know what needs to be done but its hard to leave someone who doesn't leave physical scars. Thanks for letting me vent..
Hi losing battle (that could easily be my name too!).
Know just how frustrating it is when you're trying to help some one whose family seem intent on ruining their lives. I try and try to help my husband, try to get him to appointments with drug counsellors, support him, but still tell him he is doing wrong. I'm really trying to get through to him, his mum on the other hand tells him I shouldn't be nagging him and told him I was a grass for getting him arrested for hitting me (first time I got him done, not the first time he's hit me though)and it was in front of our one year old daughter. I just want to show him it isn't okay to do what he's doing so that he can get clean and we can be a happy family.
His mum used to sell him his drugs, and when she's not dealing she's giving him money and driving him to dealers houses. It makes me sick! And like in your situation she seems to be untouchable, my husband and his sister believe all her twisted lies and think the world of her.
I am starting to think though if the addict doesn't truly want to stop then they will find a way to justify what they are doing one way or another. They'll find some one to tell them it isn't them who has the problem, it's the person telling them to stop who has a problem. I really don't think there is anything you can do. Don't suppose you want to report his sister for dealing? I used to think drug dealers were just people making money by selling something that some one could get elsewhere anyway. They're much worse than that though, a dealer is someone who exploits peoples problems to make money and that disgusts me. I sent a text to my husbands dealer explaining that drugs are tearing our family apart, that my kids wont have their daddy around (because of how the drugs make him) if she kept selling to him, I pleaded that she stop. She didn't care, it's just money to these people and they don't care how many lives they have to destroy to get it. I wish I had reported her years ago when I knew where she lived, but it hadn't even crossed my mind then, it seemed wrong, like if you report them your stitching them up. Think about how many lives they are ruining though and you could save more than just the person you love if you could get the dealer to stop dealing.
An addict who is lying and going to great lengths to hide what they are doing isn't a person who wants to stop in my opinion. If he tells you he really wants to stop, try not to take it too seriously 'cause if you find out different it will brake your heart.
It's very lonely loving an addict, all that matters to them is how they feel and of course their drugs and after a while it's easy to forget that your feelings matter because living with an addict is all consuming. You've got it spot on about there being too many different emotions to cope with all at once, it's so confusing loving someone who does such terrible things. I keep asking myself "what is wrong with me?", but keep trying to tell myself "it's not me, it's him".
I meant to say something useful to you, but seem to have just ranted on and on, sorry about that. I'll post another message when I'm thinking a bit more clearly.
Do what you need to do for your own happiness and sanity, and remember that the situation you're in is not your fault
Thank you for sharring Ms Kelly
I have tears in my eyes as I read about the women here...I too was in the same position...went out for two years with a gorgeous guy who was a functional alcoholic..6 - 8 beers a day, regular pot user and smoker and financially unstable and depressed. He also had an ex girlfriend who was a crack user, pot user, alcoholic, smoker, bipolar and on welfare. For the entire two years she constantly phoned, emailed, showed up at his door to beg for money, alcohol, food, drugs, etc. When she realized he was not coming back to her she overdosed and almost set fire to her place.
When he saw her condition, he broke up with me and said he couldn't allow her to kill herself over him and he needed to give it another try.
I am devastated. I am the total opposite of her...clean, financially stable, no drugs, alcohol, or smokes.
It's been a few weeks and his emails to me have been very cold and have told me to move on. I can't believe he has gone back to that skank! She basically harassed and threatened to kill herself if he didn't come back to her. She is so ugly that I think they are codependent...the last 3 weeks they have been binging like crazy...always high, drunk and of course smoking.
I know I should move on....Living with an addict would have been awful...I am trying hard to forget him...This is a really, really stupid man. He feels guilty and responsible for her and until he realizes that you are not responsible for another person's life he will be tied to her.
I should really thank her for breaking us up. Withoug me to stabilize him he will not get anywhere. I helped him a lot financially because we had talked of marriage...now without me there he has to work like a dog to support his and her addictions. How long can a bipolar person hold herself together? She took his credit cards at xmas and blew $4000 dollars on booze which she resold for crack...and he forgave her!! He said he is going to not pay his debt and go bankrupt. He is so much in debt because of his addictions and he is in his 50's, so how much time does he have to make it?
Why am I worrying about him? Because I love him and want the best for him. She doesn't! She just wants him with her so they can get drunk and high and carp about all the rich folk out there.
I'm hoping time will diminish my feelings and allow me to see him for who he is. This is a man who doesn't think about the future, which is the reason he has no assets, and he does not eat healthy, already symptoms are becoming visible from these lifelong addictions. He lives paycheque to paycheque...what will happen when he gets to old to work, or when younger people take over his job for less money? how long does he want to work like a dog to support his addictions?
I have to walk away... He is happy with her and he doesn't care that he is working to support her. Good luck to both these losers. A grunt is what he wants to be and that is where he feels more comfortable. It has a lot to do with self-esteem and he was intimated that I wanted to take him out of his life and make a better future for retirement.
I need to find a better man. A man in his 50's should be financially stable or am I wrong? An addict is an addict...no matter what he doesn't want to change....he wants to be with the skank...hope he doesn't catch anything from her as she has slept around to get drugs...
ewwww....
This is the first time in my life I have been exposed to these type of addictions and I am glad to be out of this world. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
Good luck and good riddance to both of them losers...
Your not the only one. I have gone through exactly the same thing but the drug of chouce was crack. You was strong in ever way. Atleast you where able to get out. I'm still in it. I fel just like you said. It's like no wants to put up with a drug head and let him move in with them. Itell him i don't want to be together any more but that don't matter to him. He want leave. He just pulling down with him. Well, thank for your story. It was touching and moving to me and inspiring to me. just glad ur strong enough to get out. thank you again.
What a horrible thing it must be to live with a drug addict! Unfortunately, such people very seldom straighten up and fly right, if one gets the drift. It's better to leave than to have a life of misery and pain for yourselves and/or your kids, if there are any. Drug addiction and alcoholism are home-wreckers, for sure, as well as life-ruiners.
Hi,
My name is Mary. I'm 25 years old and have been dating an addict for 4 years now.
I don't know why, how, or when it happened, but all I know is that when he got bad, I got bad as well.
We were so happy together, after not seeing eachother for 7 years, we met back up and absolutely fell head over heels in love with eachother. We would go play golf, go fishing, sing at the top of our lungs, cook for eachother, camping and lots more. We were happy and healthy and it felt like we were invincable.
The first time I actually saw him smoke heroin was when I was visiting him at college. I didn't know what it was, I just thought he was a college guy partying and that was that. We actually had a falling out and didn't talk for awhile. Not because I didn't ask about the drug, just because he didn't want a relationship at the time.
He soon moved back to his hometown that I was living in now, and we reconnectd. He told me his heroin story, and how he was sober. We started dating and we were all good, even moved into a small studio together. It was so much fun. Than one day, he pulled out a tudor and foil and I knew what was up. I freaked, and cried and told him to flush it down the toilet, and he did. It didn't stop there. I continued to find shit all the time. He was sneaky, even hiding it behind picture frames. We decided to move into his parents, to get clean, finish college, and save money. This was the worst year of my LIFE!
His parents loved to gamble, and soon enough I was gambling along with them. I started drinking more, and gambling more because I was depressed coming home and always seeing him sick and withdrawling. I became an addict just like he was. It just got worse. He couldn't hold a job. He continued to go to school but barely could do that. I would have to drive him there, and take time out of my day to make sure he got there on time.
Finally, I was done. We broke up, and I moved into a new place away from it all. I was sad and really wanted things to be different.
Surprisingly, he got a good job valeting, and making good money, and got into a rehab program. He was clean, and we started talking again. I don't know how it happened, but we were back together, and things were great, so I thought. Only a few weeks being back together I noticed the same shit I did before. Long periods in the bathroom, foil missing, parts of pens around because he was using the long part for a tudor. It got bad. But, finally found a clinic where he could get methadone doses and come off heroin. It was good thing but he always said he didn't feel like himself. I understand he was going through a hard time with his parents nasty divorce. I tried to stay supportive but I was slowly slipping away from the relationship. Than one day he told me he was stopping the methadone and going to ween himself clean with heroin, I told him Id be there for him but really couldn't go through all this shit again and asked him to stay at his dads. He was there for 3 days, and called me telling me he was suicidal. I went over there and said to come home, that I didn't want him to feel like that.
The next day, he was withdrawling really bad and I left school and he told me to hold him. I told him that I can't keep leaving things I need to do to take care of him, and I left. I didn't come home that night. He says it was messed up to leave him there sick after we had made a plan to do this, but I just really realized I couldn't continue doing this over and over again. I needed out.
This was a week ago. It's been hell since trying to leave. He keeps saying that I f*cked him over, and it's all my fault. He doesn't even realize how unhappy I was. I couldn't even take care of myself, and I gained weight, and looked like shit all the time from being emotionally, mentally, and physically tired of everything. I wanted to finish school, but I'm moving back to Ohio to get my life back. I hope if you are reading this, and dealing with the same situation. To get out, it will never get better, it will continue to get worse, even if you want to help them. You are the number one priority in your life, and you deserve to be happy.
I'd like to say first of all, I commend every woman strong enough to leave a man they love when he is destroying their lives. It takes courage to willing put yourself through that kind of emotional pain. No one will ever comprehend how difficult it is for a loving and devoted wife to leave her husband - but a drug addict who will not stop leaves no one with any choice at all.
I first quit drugs when I was 17 years old. A girl I was in love with left me and the pain caused me to change. I found Jesus, then my current wife of 20 years now. However, throughout the 20 years, I had two separate runs with Vicoden, but I remained "functional" as far as providing for my family. I got educated and a professional job. I eventually started my own business and was quite successful at it, but what most drug addicts fail to realize even after they get clean, is that they are people who naturally isolate themselves and remain emotionally unavailable to their spouses. What is it they say in NA? ... "Once you've sobered up the horse thief, all you have left is a sober horse thief." ... it's true. CLEAN Addicts need to get themselves into therapy. They need to ask questions from loved ones such as "Can you please tell me what it is I do that may isolate you from me, or can you please tell me what needs you have that I am not meeting?" Then take that information to a therapist, google, a book store ... do everything you have to do to learn about your shortcomings and personality disorders, then figure out what you need to do to get them straight. If you don't you are headed for relapse.
6 years after starting my business (17 years basically without drugs), I became very ill with what they thought was Chrons disease. I spent six months in and out of the hospital and being fed from an IV. They gave me Dilaudid in my IV while in the hospital the first few weeks, and that was enough to get me physically dependent on the stuff. They sent me home with Fentenyl patches and Oxy Contin prescriptions. I knew I didn't need the drugs for pain anymore, but I knew I didn't want to withdraw even less, so I stayed on them because I didn't know how to quit, and I was too proud to admit to anyone that I needed help. I did call a couple of rehabs and when I learned that I would need to be in there for the better part of two months, and after learning how much it cost, I said FORGET IT, ILL QUIT ON MY OWN.
That attitude somehow took a back seat to me realizing that being stuck with a needle almost every day for six months tends to remove your fear of needles. I learned how to filter and purify my oxy contin pills into a crystal clear and hospital grade injectable form, and for a year and a half after recovering from my chrons issues, I started shooting Oxycontin. While I was on oxy contin, my wife of then 18 years told me she would not live with someone who "nodded" off like a heroin addict. Now I've never nodded off into my food or anything like that ... it was just falling asleep randomly for a few minutes here and there ... but the thought of her leaving me scared the hell out of me. So in my addict brain, I found a solution ... METH! I started taking it, and kept me from nodding, but it also began to change my personality and I was not aware of that side effect.
When my health insurance was no longer affordable, the oxy addiction turned into a heroin addiction.
Every time she would threaten to leave me, I would threaten suicide ... I was jacked up in the head ... I lost almost all of my clients, and money was thin ... we lost vehicles and almost lost our house.
One day my wife and I were texting and I realized she was at the court house filing what I thought was a legal separation. I started the suicide talk again and she called the police to come check on me. I opened the door and stepped out onto the porch and talked to them. I was pretty lit on meth at the time. They searched me for weapons and found my meth pipe. I was arrested, and they told my wife why. That was how she learned about my meth habit.
The police told me they could not tell her why I was arrested, but they told her anyways, and when I bailed myself out that night, I texted my wife and told her I had my wake up call and that I was done... but she completely ignored me and would not respond to anything I said. I tried to make a deal with her, if she supported me and visited me, I would go into rehab. She was not interested ... she filed a restraining order against me and had me thrown out of my house. I have always been the sole bread winner and she has always been a stay at home mom. I lived in my car because of that restraining order for two months. I threatened suicide again with a heroin overdose, she called the police again ... they tracked my cell phone and found me (thank god, because I was in the process of going through with it when they did). The officer asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital or jail, I said the hospital. He asked me why he should let me, and I told him I just tried to kill myself. "Good enough for me" he said, and he arrested me and site released me into the custody of the paramedics. I spent three days in county hospital and was let go.
My heroin use lasted one more month, when I decided I was finally done. I signed up for an outpatient treatment program that uses methadone to wean people off of heroin. The speed was easy to stop ... it has basically no withdraws, you just sleep for a few days and you're done. But heroin withdraws are intense and very painful and can last up to two weeks. When I started methadone, I kicked everyone out of my life who used it, then after proving to myself that I could not use for two weeks, I asked the clinic to reduce my methadone dose by 10mg every week. I started out at 60mg. They told me that was way too fast and that my body would be in constant withdraw for several months. So they agreed on 5mg a week, then in the last 10mg, I was to drop 2mg per week. My last dose was 5 days ago. I need to mention, that when an addict takes methadone properly and for its intended purpose, there is absolutely no "high" that goes with it ... no nod ... no nothing. You simply feel normal again and can function doing what you always did or need to do.
I was in denial for a long time that I was even an addict. I felt my dependence on opiates was physical and not psychological. I was deceived. I haven't had heroin since last November, and no methadone since last Monday. I am doing just fine, and I am getting my life back in order. I never wanted to be on drugs, because I built a nice life for us. We have two children, one of them just started college, the other is in 6th grade.
My wife left me back in August, met a man in November and fell in love with him. She promised me twice that she would come back and try to work things out with me, but like clock work, three days after making that promise and going through the pain of a break up with him, she runs right back to him because of the memories she has living with me while I was using. I was never violent with her not even once. I never drooled, never fell asleep in my cereal ... and my 11 year old son asked me what I did to make mommy want to leave ... he never saw any behavior that was bizzare, never saw a needle ... I did a good job hiding my addiction from my children. My wife, however, aired my dirty laundry to our daughter and she has refused to speak to me ever since.
I have been in love with my wife since before I married her. She says she has absolutely no love for me at all, and has no problem divorcing me for this man who is 20 years older than her. I've asked her to think about everything she is giving up (although after reading this post and the responses, I'm beginning to think she might have the right idea). I am easily capable of earning a nice six figure income. I'm only 41, and I'm physically fit, and I look like I could be related to Harrison Ford. I'm not a bad lookin guy, and outside of those ugly three years of being ill, then addicted, I've been living a drug free life, and I have no intention of ever putting another opiate into my body for as
Thank you for this, my husband just left me three weeks ago. As far as I know he is living with his parents, they still can not addmit he is an addict, even after 16years. I miss him so much, but I also know how hard it was for me each and every day, he couldn't hold a job for more then a week or so, all the rehabs, and recovery houses. After a while I felt as if we were just legal partner on a piece of paper, no husband and wife. I know he is not ready to get clean, I had to get a PFA, just to keep him out of the house. He didnt hit or abuse me but started to sell anthing not tied dowm, my car, my grandmother wedding ring, TV's,my sons I-pad, christmas gifts. But I was wrong, didnt understand or love him,I do love him, enough to let him go.I still pray his parents will see the light, but more so he finds help and excepts it. Again thanks for making me feel like I did do what was best for us both, I know my husband loves me, but not as he puts it his best friend.
I was searching for something becasue my 25 year old son is an addict. He has been in rehab many times (3 times) over 13 years. He's now in jail for violating probabtion of the courts. He's a smart college educated boy thaat has had the world by the tail with an international business degree. No more he's now a convicted fellon for failing a drug test. I am going to copy this letter and send it to him so he can see what myself and others have been through. You are a very strong woman and may God bless you with a clean wonderman husband and children. I know you love your current husband but you deserve so much better. God Bless you honey.
I have read all the comments and I must admit, this is a terrible affliction to us all. I will introduce myself and tell you a bit about me. I smoked pot in high school and drank like most people but it stopped when I went to college. 9/11 happened where I was living and I was utterly compelled to do something about it. Hello Marine Corps! I love this country and felt it was my devotion to handle the affairs abroad, against warnings from my loved ones and basically everyone. Little did I know this would change my life forever. I went through the horrors of war. I saw my buddies leave this world. I became cold to everyone and everything. When I came back, I noticed people who knew me treated me differently. The world I loathed to come back to, had become an indirect assault to my personality. I had no friends, no loved ones who knew the real me, and school was a difficult place. I was sitting at a red light one night and I was hit from behind by a drunk firefighter. I was referred to a doctor (who was later convicted of criminal charges of malpractice). He told me to take a pill and I did. The pill was hydrocodone. All of my feelings of depression, coldness, despair.. suddenly became irrelevant as I was locked into a vision of euphoria where everything was alright. I liked it. What I didn't like was how I was taking more or the medicine to achieve the same result and feeling very ill when I ran out. I never experienced this before, but it came to a point to where this pill was a way out and my body was screaming for it. This ultimately lead to my opiate addiction. From that point it became oxycontin, various opiate based pain medicine and then ..heroin. I never thought in a million years I would have been addicted to heroin, let alone try it. My opiate receptors were dry one rainy afternoon, and that day I made the worst decision of my life. Addicts are usually friends only with other addicts. This is because normal square people are of no concern to an addict, except for them to exploit. As an addict, I needed people with connections, and pills to satisfy the monkey on my back. This is a double edged sword, as addicts constantly rip each other off and steal from one another. Well, that afternoon an addict "friend" ( I use that term loosely) told me that sniffing a powder would be better then any pill and cheaper. After much bickering and pronouncing the stigma associated with heroin, I gave it a try. Yes it was more powerful. A lot more. For a long time my addiction was concealed from my family and friends. This is part of the addict lifestyle that is also addicting when one is clean. To be undercover, to avoid the radar, is in itself it's own rush. To an addict, it makes them feel as a villain, to do something no one knows about and get away with it. After I tried H, it securely embraced my downfall. Lie, Cheat, Steal became the code to my daily life, as it does with all addicts. Everything around me crumbled. I lost my 100K a year career. I lost all my possessions. I lost my family. The disturbing thing about being an addict is they simply don't care. The only thing that matters is the next high and where is it coming from. It is a terrible despicable lifestyle. I caused much pain to all those that loved me and when the damage is done, their is no going back. You essentially have to start a new life. If your family knows you used to be an addict, you will never be treated the same. This is the case in my life and a lot of other addicts and a major contributing factor to relapse. My family still looks at me as a junky no matter how many years I have clean or how good I might be living. It is something that can never be reversed once the damage is done. I have been clean 4 years. I had to relocate to another part of the country. I have to make it by counting my change. I hate where I am living, and I have no friends here. The one thing I can say is I don't use. The one girlfriend I did have while here was on drugs. She was, and still is a pill popper. I didn't know at first but it only took a few days, because addicts can spot other addicts. I stayed clean. I loved her. It was just one disaster after the next and being an ex addict it made me very mad. It is quite embarrassing to be with someone who drools, and has slurred speech in public, amongst other things that are obvious the person is on drugs. People who use, say they want help and are sick of the life, but it takes complete dedication and a mindset of " Quit or Die". Almost all addicts prefer to take the easy road and continue to use despite jail's, psych ward's, and death. This person I loved could not be helped and still, like the author of this story, we still communicate though it is very very seldom. If I were to pick up again and have used, I would still be with her but I chose the ladder. She chose to seduce a rich man who can provide the means to get high, an addicts dream. I still struggle, but I am determined to make the most of what's left with my life clean. Even though things are rough and I live check to check, it's a million times better then my addict life. I have hope that one day things can be like they were, before I became an addict. I have a lot against me like I mentioned. No friends, I live in the middle of nowhere, I am always struggling financially, I almost never if ever, talk with my family, I have PTSD that messes with me. The one thing I can say I do have that is worth my life, is sobriety.
thank you so much I feel so alone thank you I'm in the same position you are you the only thing I have 2 girls for him
So... I suppose I should share too, as this really got to me. My wife and the mother of my 3 children has been drunk for roughly 3 years now (This includes the whole of the pregnancy with our youngest daughter, not born with FAS,. I have tried pleading
Anywhoo... yeah, so shes been drunk for 3 years... and shows no sign or desire to stop. I have begged, pleaded, threatened, sobbed, EVERYTHING. To no avail. And I have come to the SAME conclusion that Miss Kelly Anne did : You Cannot help them. All you will do is drag yourself and the children down with them in FLAMES if you continue waiting for something to change.
I think a Part of me still loves the woman I married, but sadly, she isnt that person anymore. All she cares about now is Vodka, and MY children and myself arent even a concern, other than the fact that she gets PISSED if we mess with her buzz. Anyways, I just wanted to toss in my two cents... a Male perspective I suppose. I am not saying I am perfect (I DO Smoke Marijuana at night so I can actually go to sleep... as I am always on edge worrying about what craziness she is going to pull next... waking up with your "love" swaying over you holding a chef's knife is rather disconcerting to say the least...) But by the same token, I am the ONLY stability my children have. Also, I am NEVER not myself. I dont get bombed to the point I cant even make a coherent statement... I only smoke enough to relax a bit, and I actually have a prescription. I am the only income, the only childcare, the only ANYTHING in the house. And I am bloody tired... So VERY VERY tired. Choose wisely before you get married, folks... the scars can last a lifetime... And if you are REALLY lucky like me, Your spouse will mess up your childrens brain chemistry so that they REALLY get to have the scars from it for life. We have 3 kids, two of which have been diagnosed with autism... and Mommy was popping Vicodin and Fiorinol the whole pregnancy with both... COINCIDENCE?!?! Time will tell for the youngest... but she only had Booze going through the system with THAT pregnancy. Wasnt born with FAS, and she appears to by hyper-intelligent... So hope springs eternal. Dont get me wrong... I LOVE my children more than anything. I wouldnt trade them for the world or any other kids... but I DO resent my wife for her exceptionally POOR judgement when it came to choices made while pregnant. Gah... I am babbeling. Thanks for listening/Reading... I FEEL FOR YOU, MISS KELLY ANNE!!!
Well, here goes. I am currently living a lie. I am living with a spouse who has a pain pill problem. We've been together for about 10 years and I think 2004 was when she started using due to an injured tailbone. She never really had it looked at, and she also has PCOS, and has gained so much weight her left knee is basically shot. I have been her enabler, jumping through hoops for her, picking up her pills, stealing money from her mother in law to pay for her pills, sacrificing nearly whole paychecks to cover her pills and pill debts. I can't take anymore. I love her, and shes otherwise a great girl who'd do anything for me..but quit pills. It wasnt till recently that I told her I was tired of it, and she needed to get her shit together, b/c we cant afford her pill problem. I'd love to say I could just up and leave, but i have nowhere to go, not to mention I just lost my job, and $60 of our last paycheck, went towards her habit. I'm so tired of having to make excuses for her, so tired of being limited b/c of her habit.
I too live with an addict/alcoholic. He has been this way since I met him when we were 19 and he had already had his first DWI. But being as young as we were, I just figured he liked to have a good time and and he said he had learned his lesson about drinking and driving. He has always been a functioning alcoholic/addict. He goes to work every day and works his butt off, he is very handy around the house and there isn’t anything he can’t fix or accomplish when he puts his mind to it which he says proves that he is not an alcoholic because alcoholics don’t support their families and just stay drunk all day. Wow…Textbook Denial. He has also pronounced several times that he likes to drink and that he won’t give it up for anyone.
We are now 35 and have 2 school age sons. He also suffers from depression and ADD. He has been prescribed Adderall and Xanax for many years. His mother died suddenly a year and a half ago and he is the one who found her and gave her CPR to try and save her, but she was already gone. He has suffered a traumatizing loss and my heart goes out to him but he isn’t the same person he was the day before she passed. I know people change when they are traumatized, but I do not know the person he has become. I miss him, I miss the REAL him. Where has he gone, is he ever coming back? He’s isolated himself from us. I miss being a family. I miss being connected with him. I miss his smile. I miss his jokes. I miss his hugs and kisses. I miss seeing him and our boys do “man” things together.
I read these posts and so many of you posted things that mirror my life with him. He barely sleeps, he is always on the go and if he does stop to sit, he falls asleep. Slumps over sitting up with his mouth open snoring like a buzz saw and drooling on himself. Falls asleep with lit cigarettes in his hand and by the looks of our carpet where he sits, has dropped a few until they left a deep burn in the carpet. Fire Safety Cigarettes have saved our house more than once. Several times I've found him lying on the kitchen floor sometimes with the fridge door wide open. Several times I've found him face down in plates of food. He himself has recently waked up several times in his truck while it's running. Has no recollection of how he got there or how long he'd been sleeping in his truck. Sometimes it’s in our driveway, sometimes not. Thank Goodness we don’t have a garage. He’s waked up at stop signs. When he tells me these things it's almost as if he finds humor in it, but maybe it's really denial. His Psychiatrist prescribed him a mood stabilizer a few months back so he had to have his liver screened. He got the results and he was thrilled that his liver is fine and even commented that it means he can keep on chugging but in all reality even if his liver were damaged he wouldn't stop drinking the way he does. I find nothing wrong with having a few drinks, but he just can't have a few, he is an alcoholic so he drinks until he passes out.
I worry for his safety. I worry for our sons and what I worry about is; I worry all the time that we will lose him (He says that he isn’t going to go out like that, that he is put on this planet to suffer into old age). He's already had 3 DWI's which have cost us dearly. If he gets pulled over again I fear he will be put in jail for a long time. If he goes to jail, we will lose our house, I can’t be the sole provider of our household and it’s only a matter of time before he is pulled over again and I plead with him to not to drink and drive, but he just says…”I’m not worried about it, I always make it home safe and sound.” I fear he will hurt someone or possibly kill them when he drives home. For the past several months he has been going out and he usually comes home between 5am and 7am and he does this almost 5 nights a week. If I call him, he rarely answers my calls if he is out for the night and if he does answer and I ask him where he is he skirts the question and gives me some outrageous answer. I've thought of following him, but that is just going too far, I don't want to be sucked down into his pit any longer. Many times I want to throw a fit and scream and holler at him to get him to see what is happening to our family, but it won’t make any difference, it won’t change anything. If anything, it will only give him more “reason” to leave. I want to tell him that I do not deserve the treatment he dishes out, but every time I try to talk with him about things like that he tells me that I am turning my back on him and that I am heartless and selfish and spoiled and all I ever think about is how much of a piece of sh*t he is. It’s almost funny at this point and when he says those things to me I can’t help but laugh out loud. If he does stay home he just falls asleep on the couch. Barely any interaction with our children or me. He may talk to us for a few minutes when he comes home from work, but then he goes to the bedroom and prepares his clothes for the next work day, showers, changes, and leaves usually around 11pm. A few months back when I asked him why he stays out so much he told me it is because I, meaning me, like to be by myself. Then he told me he was out so much because he was paying back debt that he owes people for helping him/us out when we didn’t have enough money to pay our bills. Then a few more days later he told me it's because I am always angry. He's right, I am angry and I was letting it consume me.
I started counseling and got a better grip on my issues. At times I feel I may snap, but I will be starting group anger management counseling to have a constructive outlet for my issues and learn to be true to myself and to be a positive role model for our sons. Which is all I can do. Our oldest, who is a teenager, has told me with tears in his eyes that he wants more time with his dad. I relayed the message to my husband and I got a tongue lashing that was out of this world. I was told that I am dragging the kids into my BS. I didn't know how to react so I just stayed as calm as possible (which isn't easy after living this way for 16 years) and expressed to him that I am not judging him nor do I think ill of him, but I thought he should know what was said to me. He is constantly accusing me of cheating on him, CONSTANTLY! I've been down that road before with him and come to find out; he was the one who was cheating. He comes up with the most outrageous scenerios that he swears are happening, and they moslty revolve around me doing something imoral or lying. He also makes it a regular reminder how there are many other females who are just waiting in line to take my place. I've made mention that he would make things so much easier on me if he were to take one of them up on their offer because that would be all I need to pack up and never look back, that I would finally be free. I do my best to put his hurtful comments aside but they are stewing in me. I feel torn. I want to be there for him and be his support system but I feel that he isn't looking for a support system, he has no interest in being healthy so I only need to do what is best for me and my sons, but what is best for us? It is obvious that our oldest already has Daddy issues. He identifies so much with his father and loves him so much and it breaks my heart to know how he is feeling. I too have a father who is an alcoholic, he's been sober for over 13 years, but the times when I needed him, he wasn't there for me, he couldn't be, he was too wrapped up in his own agenda. He was so close, yet so far away, and my chest gets tight every time I think about our son has the same longing for his father. Our youngest is showing signs of aggression and rebellion at school, which is very out of character for him.
I used the word fear many times in this post, and I try not to think about those things and have so much fear and anxiety but at this point it’s almost as if I have begun to prepare myself for these things to happen so that I am not blind sighted.
I wish all of you the best and hope we can all find peace and serenity with or without our addicts and I pray t
Hello I have been with my wife almost nine years we have two wonderful boys seven and five. She left me four months ago.her parents got her an apartment. We shared the kids for a while but after noticing traffic and behavior changes I assumed she was on Meth. We are both ex users I have been clean six years she shared sobriety with me. I then started hearing she was using again. I am not one to doubt so I believed her after all six years is a long time to be clean. Then I saw an old user friend at her place. She was taking our kids around other men when they came to see me they would tell me. I filled for divorce feeling I had no other options. I went for full custody. This was the hardest thing I've ever done. I asked her daily if she wanted one before I filed and she said yes. Her brother was killed two years ago
Her parents moved to Hawaii two months later. I knew she had a hard time with it so I felt horrible for divorcing her. Then Cps was called the children removed and placed with me. She failed for Meth. She went down hill quickly after that. Long story short she shows up wanting help. I let her in she said I have a problem but doesn't want rehab. What do I do she has no place to go I love her but don't want the kids to be hurt anymore ..she has no friends or family here I'm all she has. I don't want to see her die. Please give me advice.
We got married 7 months ago. Three months later I fell pregnant and in between lonely nights that my husband does not come home, anger outbursts and verbal abuse, and seeing less and less financial contribution towards the household and saving for baby, I've realized that I need to get out before the baby is even born. Every tme he is sorry when he gets caught. I'm tired of broken trust, having to feed and clothe him while struggling to make ends meet (and having to hear how useless I am in between). Thank you all for sharing. It has made me realize that no-one but God can help them if they don't want to be helped. I will keep you all in my prayers. XXX
The sad thing is 99% of addicts go to rehab because of external factors. For instance no money, everything has been pawned, all bridges burned, they owe the dope man money, ex.... The person has to be really determined to quit, while they have the drugs in front of them. That is an almost impossible task.
Psychical addiction is the most hardest addiction. Cold turkey on heroin, lasts for 4-5 days maximum. With diazepam, little bit of OTC medications for bone-pains, or reverse-pyramid method of tramadol detox for those who can not pass the physical pain - should do the heroin withdrawal... Now, the PSYCHICAL thing is the worse - from, unfortunately, personal experience. I was 3 times intra-hospitalized for detox and 4 times home, official, detoxes. Nothing helped, just before of my psychical addiction. Antagonists, antagonists and antagonist - JUST because I am, was, young - but over 18 for opiate sub. treatment like methadone one. Now, on methadone, life has changed for 360 degrees. Finished studying, got job, normal family (relative normal) relations - in compare with how it was - and lifestyle, where I HAVE CHANGED, some "best friends", girlfriend (4 yrs. of relationship) and everything.
Now I have an angel of girlfriend, and I HAVE STARTED, AFTER YEAR AND 3,5 MONTHS - THE TAPPER DOWN. Arround 3mg every 1 to 2 weeks, while I am still in zone of high doses. More than 60mg. (currently prescribed 90mg, taking 83 - going on 80, than 85...80, 75, 70, 77,74,70,65,60,67,74,70...... 67,65,62,60 ..... 57,55,53,50. Then month of pause..and than again pattern that I should apply, and mentioned above, in range from 60 'till 50.
Well I can relate to everyones post above, I have been married to an addict for 7 yrs. We actually used together for the first 2 years. I decided to get clean and he did also. The problem is he has relapsed several times, early on, his relapse would not end until he went to jail. His drug of choice is cocaine/crack. When he uses he loses everything. He has been clean now
for 18 months and just relapsed on Saturday. He was gone for 3 days and returned home tonight. He spent 1300.00. I have been clean for 7 yrs and I am moving forward and I feelhe is holding me back. Im confused on what to do, but I cant handle much more of his once every 6-18 month relapse.. I live on egg shells--never knowing when its going to happen. Then you have to deal with the aftermath of his use. Meaning no money for bills etc......
So how are YOU doing these days? Have you heard from him? You are a smart lady you have to take care of yourself you could have easily died yourself from stress or from house fire or whatever - you are a very strong young lady God was watching over you
My hushand is also an addict is drug of choice isbrocecets he shoots them but he goes through weird spells where he can be clean for a week at a time.then he will use for two weeks i dont understand it he needs help. i am stressedbto the point of my hair falling out i now have aniexty depression and im always worried about money and our three year old son i want to leave but i am scared to i have no one here all my family lives miles away. but i would rayher live in my car with my son then live like this
yes thank to Internet for helping me to get in contact with DR AGBON how help with love spell that help me recover my ex love back to me and i also appreciate you all for you advice and the trust i will also advice anyone who help to contact him on this email: indiapowerfulspell@gmail.com.
i just want to share my happiness with you all over here i just receive a heart break from my boyfriend 3 weeks ago and i was confuse and i did not know what to do and i almost think of taking my life. But one day i was just doing some research on the Internet when i saw a testimony on how to get your ex back. I really believe that spell do work because my mummy was heal by a spell caster when i was still 15 years old i decided to contact DOCTOR GBOCO for help and he told me what i have to do and after two days i show my ex in my house begging me and ask me to come back to him it was just like a dream to me. thanks to DOCTOR GBOCO you can contact him this Email: gbocotemple@yahoo.com if you need any help or advice in your relationship.
My name is Pam. I have gone through many of the terrible things you have by being married to what I feel is a bipolar and a sex addict. He left me and the kids, came back a month later in the midst of our divorce, and announced that he had hit rock bottom and needed us back. I did not trust him because he had cheated 12 time in 18yrs. Stupid me though, because I did believe he was getting help. He even showedbme a book for sexaholics anonymous. He even said he was in counseling. We continued the divorce because I wanted to see that he could be faithful after all these years. Also he was mean and controlling he always used blackmail to get me to do what he wanted. I was forced to have sex at swinger clubs or he would take things away from our children such as choir, or band, or the car. He managed to change thibgs in the divorce papers, then left me for the other woman again all within 6 weeks. He even put our house as his under personal property of the divorce decree without my noticing since that is not where a house would be listed. After that he tried to legally evict me and the kids to move in his girlfriend and her 4 small kids. Our kids are 15, 16, and 20.
I feel for all you women, I really do. But there is help out there, for YOU. These men are addicts and no amount of love from you will make any difference. I urge you to seek help (eg. AL-ANON) and learn to love yourselves first and foremost. If you truly love yourself you would not put up with these horrifying situations. Walking away is excruciating at first, but the long term gain is 100% worth it. These men are not your responsibility. YOU are.
After several years of lottery playing , David and i (never have the thought that we could win one day) We have been trying to have a won for once. We have gone, and done every possible cancelling without any success. We have also been told that we will never be able to win any of this lottery game which make us look confuse but still David and i was always a lottery player…. One a date when I was scrolling through the internet Blog i found this spiritual Messiah freemercytemple@yahoo.com that he can help of any problems,i explained all our troubled problems to him,he told us all to do which we did. After a month, David and I, received the great news that we have won 17.000$ seventeen thousand US dollars. I have no words to thank him enough because he really change our lives.
i can so empathize with all the stories of these women. their lives are my own. but my story is a little different. i am a recovering addict myself. i was addicted to heroin, methadone (through a clinic), and crack from 1999 until just a few months ago. i will always have this addiction but whether i choose to live in the misery of active addiction or the awesome beauty of sobriety is truly a choice only i can make. today i choose to be clean. i feel that alcoholics anonymous (AA) & narcotics anonymous (NA) have saved my life. i was the worst of the worst. i was homeless, a worthless mother who had let the responsibility of raising my beautiful 7 year old daughter fall to my aging parents, and i had even stooped so low as to start prostituting myself for drugs and drug money. i was in and out of jails, rehabs, 12 step programs, & institutions for 14 years. i hated myself & was disgusted by the person i had become. when i finally became so broken and hopeless that i could no longer go on living like that, i decided to take one last stand, & once and for all give a recovery program a real, HONEST try. something i had never truly done before. i am a walking miracle today. and i know that if could do it, anyone can. knowing the truth, ironically, has not made the situation i'm dealing with concerning my fiance of 7 years any easier. he is a prescription pill addict. all doctor prescribed, all legal, which compounds his denial exponentially. he's been to rehab. in fact that's where we met 7 years ago. we had short periods of clean time here & there over the years, but nothing lasting. even though i know that nothing on this earth could change me until i was truly ready, not even my own flesh & blood daughter, i still struggle with co-dependence & the false hope that i can somehow change him by showing him the way. all i have succeeded in accomplishing is making myself crazy, not to mention miserable. i turn into this other person who i hate whenever i try to change or control his behavior - i turn suspicious, sneaky, nagging, and judgmental towards him. all behaviors that happened with my own loved ones & behaviors that only made me worse when i was still using. i KNOW i have no control over him, not really. i KNOW i am powerless over everything except my own behavior and decisions. i know all of this. it's the foundation of any 12 step program and the secret to my own recovery. when i try to take back that control & power, or try running things my own way, the way that never worked & made me miserable for so many years, sure enough, i land myself right back into that same misery. when i try to control the uncontrollable, my life becomes unmanageable. i cannot control my fiance's behavior, choices, or future. why then, do i keep trying to? i cannot bring myself to throw him out of my house for fear of being alone. it's the scariest thing in the world. almost as scary as the fear of not knowing if he'll be okay, if he'll SURVIVE, once i'm not there to monitor his every waking moment. i have had so many friends die at the hands of this disease over the years - it's a real, honest-to-god possibility that i could lose him to it, too. how do i turn my back on him knowing what i know, seeing what i've seen? what if i throw him out and he dies? how could i live with myself? or what if i throw him out, he DOES get better, & then finds someone else & the SHE, not me, will be the one to know him as the wonderful person he once was and can still be? someone else will enjoy the man i fell in love with. then man who, for right now, is lost to me. i never in my wildest dreams thought i'd ever get sober & have a good life, and then not be able to truly enjoy it because the person i love chose to remain in active addiction & not seek help. consequences, negative consequences, were what ultimately made me decide to change & do something different. he, on the other hand, has had ZERO consequences for his addiction (with the exception of his failing health) because his family & i keep bailing him out. i know it's enabling & i know it's not helping him. i found the courage to change my own life, but how do i summon up the courage to do what's right for him? it's so much scarier. and unlike before, the right thing to do isn't obvious & is not coming naturally to me. is there ANY alternative to throwing him out? is there ANYTHING besides that that i can do to help him? any suggestions would be welcomed & greatly appreciated.
p.s. my email is leahpetruzzi@gmail.com if anyone has advice, or would like to share their own experience, strength & hope.
Ive been there. Thankfully my other half is actually in rehab right now. Ive been sober thanks to methadone for 3 yrs and so has he. He recently started taking xanax for anxiety and it turned into a life or death habit within 9 mos. The sad thing is that pile of ashes on your ex's chest is all too familiar. My fiance would lite cigs and they'd burn EVERYTHING. I was his built in babysitter as well. Not anymore! He loves the facility and has a positive outlook! Cross your fingers and say a prayer PLEASE!! Ill do the same for you all.
Hi, reading these stories have really helped me through this difficult time in my life. I have been in a relationship with a cocaine/crack addict for 5 years. At first I did not know that he had this problem. That is he withheld that fact. I had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship with someone with borderline personality, so I was vulnerable. John seemed to be gift from god. He was charming, handsome, funny, sensitive. Everything my ex wasn't. In the beguiling it was like a fairytale, but then, right after we moved into an apartment together, he used the money I had saved up to buy furniture to by crack. After I yelled screamed and convinced him to get help it stopped and we continued living together. As with most story's I've seen on here, that was just a warning of things to come. I should've left then before I got too involved with him, but I loved him' so I convinced myself that that was a good reason to stay. Well, after a few months of things going well, I found out that he was using again and sold everything of value in our apartment of value to buy drugs. Also when he ran out of resources in our home, he began stealing from friends homes! I was able to pay them back, and sent him into rehab again. When he got out, the real horror started. He began drinking alcohol and using drugs, came to my work place (I was a manager) with his drug dealer and said that if I did not give him his money (the money he gave me to pay rent) he would make a scene at my job and do something crazy. After that I started packing up my stuff to leave and live with my parents. On my way out, he pushed me to the ground and punched me in my head! I called the police, but because he was a firefighter at the time and was friends with the local police, when they police arrived, he lied to them and said I was mentally I'll and off my meds' and I did it to my self. They believed him, and devastated, I left the situation being happy to get the hell away from him. I didn't talk to him for months after that, I went to therapy for dependency issues, but he came back into my life again homeless desperate and living in a tent on a neighbors backyard near my house! He pleaded with me to help him to sober up, so I made arrangements to get him into a halfway house. He did good there for a few months, and I thought that there might be a possibility that things might be able to get better for us as a future couple again, but then he started secretly using and stealing from other people in the halfway house, and got kicked out again. After a long process of him going from halfway house to friends house, and back to halfway house again, I finally moved away to a differant city, thinking I could leave him behind, but he followed me, got sober, got his own apartment and got a job! I started slowly seeing him again, but he relapsed again stole 600 dollars out of my wallet, lost his job, and finally started burgularizing his neighbors homes! He got arrested, and was in a drug program, got out with 15 years probation hanging over his head. During the time he was in prison, my life became woo much better. The anxiety in my chest from worrying stopped, I started a successful business, turned to my faith, and was truly at Pease for the first time in a long time. When he got out, I convinced myself that there was no way he would use again due to the fear of going back to jail for 15 years! What I didn't know w though, that where there is an addict, there is a way. After we moved in together, things were good for about 4 months. Then he relapsed, sold my iPod' my tv my the car I gave him and everything he could get his hands on of value in our apartment. I was in shook that he would do this again. The horror started again. I had to buy back my own stuff from his drug dealer in a bad part of town, it was a nightmare all over again! I finally took hum to get mentor and substance help again only to have him lie to me about needing money for paperwork, and cutting out to drink and drug once I left for work. I finally left and realized that I was enabling him to keep destroying himself and me. Right now he is high and drunk, supposedly owes his drug dealer $500 that he cannot pay, and has to see his probation officer today. Something will happen today. I don't know what. If he doesn't see his probation officer, he will come to his house and arrest him, if he goes to see him he will also probably arrest him for testing dirty. Or his drug dealer will do god knows what when he finds out he does not have the money. The situation is dire, but I have chosen to let him hit his rock bottom, instead of hurting me or himself or anyone else anymore. I have tried countless times to help him, but he doesn't get it. The toxic environment has to be eliminated. Do I feel guilty for not trying to help him again? Yes. Am I codependant, and are my instincts betraying me? Absolutely. I realize that it is possible to have happiness and peace without him. I have had so many happy times with him, liked said, when he is sober he is the greatest guy I've ever met. At the same time, my time in therapy has taught me that, people like him, who has had a 20 year addiction, and countless run ins with the law, over time become masters of the con. Love con, money con, charm con, I will change con, etc. What you see and hear with a long tearm addict is almost always not what what you get. Many of them become master manipulators, and there conscience becomes woo worn down, that it,s almost non existent. His own actions and decisions over the years have turned him into a monster. If he truly wants to get lasting help for him self, I will applaud him! But my advise for anyone who is in this type of situation is to understand that toxic relationships can only exist with two willing participants. Once you realize that your feeling the need to save someone and getting s payoff from it is unhealthy and will history you you need to put on the breaks and stop at once. I suggest therapy alanon and a serious inventory of your motives and addressing how healthy they are for you. I replaced the constant trips to see if he was alright, with positive things like reading my bible. I replaced giving him money with giving some instead to the salvation army. I replaced telling hum that I should do anything to help him with telling him, that if he wants help, he will do anything and everything possible to get it, and I leave it at that. There are ways to get out, and ways to keep yourself out of these kind of relationships. Just like drug addiction, addiction to a drug addict is difficult to get out of. But it takes the same determination I wish john will someday show
This site has been a great comfort to me. Most of the post seem to be written by women, but as a man, I could have written most of them. My (ex)finace has put me through hell for three years. Like everyone else, she lies and lies, steals, decieves, and then lies some more. I figured that I've been out $100,000 on her in three years. I paid (out of pocket) $22,000 cash for her to go to rehab. After she came home, I found vodka bottles in the closet. (Told me that she packed and unpacked them from her previous apartment) Then money started missing, stolen checks, credit cards opened up in my name, my perscriptions missing, and even tools missing from the garage. I would come home from work, (she couldn't work, because of pending charges) and she would be asleep or tired all the time. I started getting calls from "Check Advance" Businesses, wanting their money. The whole time, the lies kept coming. I would give her money to pay HER Bills, and, of course, she spent it on pills. Pills were her demon, but vodka would be a replacement, if she couldn't find pills. Recently, she graduated to shooting Meth. She has gone from terrible to worse. I just found out a few weeks ago that she sold her $4000 engagement ring for a few hundred dollars. I finally threw her out when she set me up with false charges, and she is staying with "old friends". As I write this, I feel like such a fool. But, like everyone else, she swears she's sorry, she says it will never happen again, swears to make things right. I'm in therapy myself, and feel better, but I know she'll be calling anytime, begging for forgiveness. I pray to God that I'll be strong and send her away. Please Pray for us!
As an addict I know the pain I cause people and this in turn feeds my addiction. I use because I feel bad and I feel bad because I use. It's not a matter of choices, it's a mental illness. Insanity. Every day I tell myself I'm gonna quit and want so bad to be free, but remorse, physical pain, fear and just reality itself and me back to what seems to fix everything for 15 minute spurts.
I have to say, the happiest time of my life was when I was sent to jail. The fact that I had no choice but to live in reality and get clean and sober, I felt like I was a new man. Even though I hated everyone going in, coming out I thanked them for giving me a second chance at my life.
Anyone want to write to vent or talk contact me at boilercard@yahoo.com
i feel your pain and i am heartbroken myself! i just found out my husband of 1 month is doing drugs i packed his stuff and send him to rehab for 6 months ! i do not ever want to see him again i am really angry with him!!! i dont know what to do!!! i just dont get it why they are so desiving!
I had these problems to some extent with my life, it started out that she wanted me to stop smoking pot and I would half heately say ok. I would keep batteling with her through my substance abuse problems. It eventually turned into cocaine we moved out again with each other. She finally had enough of it after 5 years and trold me she couldnt grow with me. My whole world turned upside down I had no clue what to do. She filed for divorce and I dont blame her, since she did that I have got a lot of help and am determined to stay sober. I have been in school and I am working very hard to getting my degree. I try to speak to her but she is so bitter inside and its been a rough 4 months. I am wondering if she will ever see the change in me? either way Im going to move back and be a man to my son and make sure he never has the problems I do now. I have no clue if she will ever see herself trusting me again I know she says no now but shes came back before. I want to know I am sober and I have a stable career so I can treat her myserlf and my son how we should all be treated. You have to want to be sober for yourself or it never works my wife always said I wouldnt change for her or my son.... I didnt see it as a problem untill I saw myself alone and reflceted... She tells me she ants nothing to do with any man and just wants to focus on herself and our son... I am wondering what I have to do to get her back.
I wrote the above message, I just want everyone to know you have to hit bottom to bounce back. It really seems like the only way because I have been given countless chances to turn things around. I get it now, I lost a great woman and a beautiful kid. I love them both still deeply and probably will live my life alone by choice. She always came back and this time if she ever does I want to show her that I changed for myself. I want to be a good dad to my little boy and if she can ever trust me again her husband again. I know I have only been sober for four months but I see the extent of my damage now that I am being held responsible for my actions. I cant even have a conversation with her she doesent want to waste more time then she has to communicating with me. I have never felt so alone before in my life. Everything I am doing right now to better myself looks so distant and bleak. I just hope when I change my life that she will take me back then, I would give my right arm for one last chance. I would sell my soul to Satan himself if it meant I could be with my wife and son one more time and do things right. I am trying not to be needy and clingy bother her but I get so frustrated being away from them. I am so impatient and would do anything to be back with them I regret it took this for me to finally change. Kelly and Benjamin I will always love you...
i read your story but not all the others coments and there stories i found ur story by chance as iam am pissed off to night with my daughter she is an addited she is 28on methadone has a son 2 years son but i have had enough i lived with her father for 23 years he was a drinker but to him he did not have a problem and now with my daughter 13 yeasr on herion pills and merthdone i fear for her child they livr with me i have given her an ultamation to get herself seorted r get out some 2ords of trust kindness and hope iam lost at mo cant do any more lizx its killing me addiction
Hi all,I am one of those addicts that ruined peoples lives.I have been clean for 8 yrs now but not w/out the help methadone for the 1st 3.I stole 15 thousand from my grandmother walked away from my children lost my house husband kids cars moved to miami and became an escort.If you looked at me be4 drugs and after drugs I look like the girl next door.Trust me your loved ones love you more than drugs but drugs are powerful.I try to xplain to people just how powerful they really are.Mothers dont walk away from children unless drugs are involved.I look at that person I was and it seems like an out of body experience,bcuz I would never leave my kids now.Please dont give up on the addicts in your life.There is a reason why they are destroying themselves that they might not even know.I did 3 yrs in jail,from most popular to selling my ass and going to jail not to mention going from owning my own house at 19 to living under a tarp in the woods.Any ways lioke i said its 17 yrs from the start of my addiction and I have everything now a great job husband children,I live in house I dont own one yet but at least its a house and not a tarp.Thanks Shannon
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Many things you have said have stuck with me and have really influenced me,espessially the part about how easily children are influenced by drug use. I am 22 years old, and my boyfriend and father of my child is addicted to norcos, xanax, and oxycodone amongst many other pills. We dated in highschool, then reconnected about a year ago. When we started dating again, I couldnt be happier. I gave up everything for him, ill admit we rushed. but I have never felt so comfortable and so loved by anyone in my life. He is an addict but he is extrememly hardworking, funny, and caring person when he is sober. The first 3 months were heaven for us. Then I got pregnant. He was ecstatic, I was afraid. But i felt like it was meant to be and I wanted to keep my child and start a family. He immediatly proposed. About 2 months into my pregnancy I noticed a dramatic change in him. I would come home from school and find him doing lines of cocaine, he was honest about it and promised he would stop. He did but then it progressed to him getting black out drunk to the point where he would pee all over himself, going into a drunken rage and scream at me. I felt so helpless and hurt and I left about 3 times to live elsewhere when i was pregnant. I will always be resentful for the stress he put on me and our baby during my pregnancy and ill never forget what he has done to me. no one should ever be put through that during a pregnancy. He always begged for me back and promised to change and i always held out hope. at the end of the pregnancy i came to the conclusion i wasnt going to stress over him anymore and i just became oblivious to everything he was doing. I would find smoked foils, he would snort lines of oxycodone as soon as he woke up but whenever i confronted him he would lie. I finally couldnt stand it any more so i left once more 3 weeks before my due date. and once again he convinced me to come back which i regret. I guess i wanted to give him a chance in the hopes that the birth of our child would change his life for the better. It never changed. He promised he wasnt doing the oxy codone but I knew he was. One day I finally caught him. I had made a beautiful dinner for us, and rented a movie. When he got home from work he took 3 bites of his dinner and ran outside to smoke a cigarette. I went outside to check the mail and noticed him and his brother in the car outside ... I went back inside to bring in the mail and went outside again to get his attention. thats when i saw him smoking off a foil. plain in sight and when he noticed he got out of the car and continued to deny it to me. until he couldnt deny it any more. finally he just said 'fine you caught me'... it was a sad day. but i was relieved that he couldnt lie to me anymore. all i wanted from his was honesty and he couldnt even do that. I left the next day. I will never completely give up on him as a person because he is the father of my child. but I cannot allow my child to be raised like that. and I truly believe in fate... Justin was brought into my life to give me my beautiful son who has brought so much love and light into my life. I pray for him everynight and its hard to be alone... but atleast I know I am doing right for my son and myself. No one is strong enough to deal with the hell I have dealt with for the past 10 months.
I can relate to so many of these stories. I have been in a relationship on and off with my ex-husband for the last 10 years. Ive had to kick him out of my house three different times. Hes stolen things out of my house. I could never trust him with my bank card or any of the finances. I have been so hurt and betrayed by his drug problem. He would rob me blind and take me for all I have if i let him. But he claims he loves me i dont understand how he can do things like that if he does love me. Are drugs that powerful? I just recently had our 2nd child i had to go thru the pregnancy myself, bc i had to kick him out for stealing things out of my house. He never kept in contact or cared how our baby was doing. Now hes in prison for stealing out of his dad house. He has called and wrote me saying hes in a drug program and gonna get his life on track this time. i do love him but i dont know if its worth wasting my life on anymore. He says hes so ashamed of the things hes done and his life is gonna be about me and his kids from here on out. this sounds so old to me bc hes been to prison and work camps and comes out doing the same. I do still have so many emotions for him, but at the same time want to protect myself from being hurt and wasting my life on him. i just wish he would change and not call back into the drug world everytime he has a chance.
@dd2012 I can relate to everything you are going through, my boyfriend went to prison and was given 10 months in an alcohol and drug treatment program, and I made the mistake of getting back with him when he got out, with the promise of him never useing again and turning to his faith. We moved in together when he got out and it took him 3 months to turn into a full fledged addict again stealing everything of value I owned and getting himself into debt with drug dealers that I stupidly paid off to the tune of over $2000. The feelings of helplessness and anxioty are jarring, and totally unfair. If I could have done it all again, I should've not moved in with him, giving him a year living apart from me to see if he truly wanted to change, and seen what he did from a safe distance. I know you love him, but you have to be smart about it. The addiction he's allowing control him has almost total control over him, so you have to realize that the man you fell in love with is mostly nor there anymore. If he truly loves you as much as you love him, he will fight his ass off to beat this addiction, and show you that he can get control of his life through going into a halfway house getting a job, and proving to you over time that he can be trustworthy again. If he gets out and robs someone else for drugs, then you saved yourself a traumatic chapter from happening. Please take my advise, I wished I had listened to them myself.
I feel so alone, found out on Sunday that my boyfriend of 3 years was still using, his family knew but didn't want to tell me as they thought they would interfere! I knew he had a past, but that was it...... A past! I caught him doing heroin on Saturday, he has collapsed veins so he gets it into his body any way he knows how, I feel sick, numb, sad, confused and hurt! He is on a daily script for meth, but said that he does not think it is enough as the doctor is trying to cut him down. He is abusing his body, I'm so scared but I love him so much! Please help
@Charlie
DO NOT LOSE HOPE, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME, AS AN EX ADDICT IF YOU WANT TO DISCUSS ABOUT ANYTHING. I have 3 projects that are related to helping those who are addicted to drugs. Mainly opiates...
@lafamilia
Whats your opinion on my situation being a addict before, how could my ex husband love us and steal and lie to me so badly. Is the drugs that powerful, or is he using it as a cruch or something to make excuses? He wants me to support him, but i feel like im wasting my life on him bc he always choses to betray me to get the drugs. hes now in prison and its the first i had heard from him for months, after kicking him out of my home for stealing. dont understand how he can forget about his family and run the streets, without a worry or care to pick up the fone and ask about his kids. just feel like now that hes in need hes using me..he says he didnt call bc all he cared about was the drugs..now that hes sober he says he feels so bad for how hes acted, and dont even feel like hes himself when on drugs? Ive never done drugs or been addicted to anything. is it true that it makes you forget about your kids and betray everyone that ever loved you? just hurts bc hes the one i wanted to b with but he wont stop..
As an addict myself, I will say that, without a doubt, you hit the nail on the head when you said that an addict has to WANT help before anything changes. That said, I encourage you to take comfort in the fact that you went above and beyond your wifely duties for this guy. You gave him more chances and more love than most spouses of addicts. So please - do not think of yourself as a failure. You did not fail at marriage; your loyalty, concern and love for this man was/is absolutely touching. You are a remarkable person to give so much to another. I am so happy that you have now focused that love on yourself. You did the right thing. There is nothing more you could have done. I put myself in treatment two times for prescription medication addictions. My husband is ashamed that I have had addiction issues and in spite of the fact that I recognized both the initial addiction and the relapse quite early (just a couple months into active addiction both times) and sought help, he is so embarrassed that he refuses to educate himself about addiction and assures me that he will leave "if I end up at rehab again." I would give anything if my husband had the kind of faith in me that you had in your husband. It is truly his loss that he did not embrace the love, faith and support you can him by seeking help and turning his life around. Bless you for being you!
Thank you everyone for all the comments and for leaving your email addresses and communicating with one another. There is no sense in trying to get through this alone when there are so many people who are going through it too.
I don't check this blog but once a month or so, it's a little sad for me maybe. But, I do respond to anyone to sends me an email. I have made some great friends over the years from this blog. Pain can really bring people together.
I have had a lot on my mind this week and since this is the place to come to share... here I am!
First a little update on The Ex-Husband's life. I haven't talked to Charlie in months and for some reason decided to call him last Friday night. Found out his mother is dying of cancer. She was in really bad shape. She passed away on Sunday, Mother's Day. I am so sorry for his family. I worry he will turn to drugs to ease the pain. He has a great fiance and a little boy who is about a year old. I pray those two people can pull him through this hard time.
A little update on me....
Well, the thing about me is I am a nurturer. I tend to be drawn to men who need my help. That is my downfall. My mom and I joke I take in boys like it's a halfway house, fix them and send them out into the world to be productive husbands and fathers. Since October I have been dating a very nice man, a drug free man. He's so good to me, has a job, takes care of what he needs to take care of. I am lucky to have him. But... As I said I am a nurturer and he doesn't need fixing. My ex boyfriend who dumped me a year ago to be with his ex wife needs fixing. I was only with him like 6 months or so. Well, was his ex wife but they remarried last fall. He is 43 an alcoholic, drinks 12-18 beers a day, unemployed, lives with his parents and doesn't have a car or $1 to his name. His wife kicks him out and of course he calls me and I start talking to him and seeing him. Not sexually but just meeting up with him and visiting. I got drawn back in even though I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me. I knew I shouldn't be talking to other guy. I knew it was inappropriate. I'm not a cheater and have never cheated on anyone. But, for some reason... I was stupid. The sweet boyfriend found out about it and I had to make a choice. I had to choose to be a grownup and be in the relationship that was good for me or to go back to my old ways of dating the exciting, very handsome, mess of a man. I made the decision for the first time in my life to take the right road before turning down it and having to make a U-turn after he had driven me nearly insane. I said goodbye to the ex and told him I couldn't fix him, I couldn't help him. I am very proud I have been able to break a pattern in my life. This decision, as easy as it sounds to make, was not easy for me.
We all have our struggles and things about ourselves we need to work on. It's not just you... we're all a work in progress. I don't know if you're a Christian or believe in God but he gave us this free will thing and it's very difficult sometimes.
I learned this week that what we want isn't always what is good for us at this time in our life.
Always find a lesson in your struggles. Even the little ones.
Oh... if you wanna add me on facebook just search for miss_kelly_anne@yahoo.com or Kelly Anne McNutt
my son in law is a heroin addict. he came into my daughters life in 2009 they married the end of that year. by 2010 they were battling his addiction with methadone, which he lied to clinic to up his dosage, then suboxone, apparently shooting or trading his meds for dope, and of course therapy. all the while he stated how much he wanted help and he did it before, but in the end he blew every opportunity for help. he would use sometimes multiple times daily or every couple days. by 2011 he was in jail 5 separate times totalling over 6 1/2 months. he has been on parole and has now extended that by violating. he overdosed twice once @ a friends house, once @ my own house while on work release, that time my daughter saved his life sobered him up and returned him to jail. she wasnt going to let him come home after jail but had a change of heart, probably my fault for pitying him. since nov 2011 he has been back and forth with her, each time vowing to stay off the dope. had her make a list that he would no matter what follow after christmas. but of course he failed with using and lying constantly. he was unable to go more than 2 weeks without using and thought that was a major accomplishment. in february his parole officer came, he was smoking synthetic weed and let them in the house. my daughter foolishly had some weed (she normally didnt have) they smelled something and detained them both. he was wasted on the synthetic and said i dont smoke marijuana and looked directly at her then them. basically thru her under the bus so he would remain free. the next day he got $500 from income tax refund and went to use. (he shot up in front of his 16 yr old nephew) and returned the next day. the following morning he demanded more money, threatened our family, she grabbed his shirt and bumped him into the wall, he then shoved her across the room bruising her all over and smashing her feet causing damage that still exhists. she did not turn him in. he left and moved an hour away with the friend he was with when he od'd. they said he would get clean cuz he didnt know anyone there. he called me on mothers day after 3 months gone. said hes clean (but he does fake drug tests by flushing.) but denies using for months before she kicked him out. i know this is not true. he called again to see her kids (they are not his) and is now acting like she is being a bitch for not letting him see them. she says he is using and trying to fool me as he has before. she wants nothing to do with him except a divorce. i guess im wondering if he is in recovery why would he deny what we know he has done, say his sister lied about using in front of nephew. why would he contact me? shouldnt he be feeling some remorse for what he has done?
my babydaddy is on crack he comes home everynight but he lies about him still indulging he also tries to stop for days but when he go back he does it worser and worser i love him but i have 4 kids and i want out now
I usually don't post about my life, but maybe this will help me to move on. I've been separated from my husband of 7 years for the last 14 months, yet I haven't filed for divorce...even though I'm done with the marriage, but some how afraid that divorce will be the end of him. I met my husband 11 years ago, we were young just out of college, we partied a little, drank alcohol on the weekends and he smoked weed. Little did I know he was also using cocaine and Xanax during that time too. We moved in with each other and got engaged; things seemed good. We stopped partying and settled down and started planning our wedding and our lives. The day before our wedding I found him with weed and a couple of xanax (the 1st time I knew about Xanax). I was mad, hurt, and thought about calling off wedding, he reassured me the Xanax was for his wedding nerves & the weed was from his bachelor party...of course I bought it, I wanted to believe it, I was getting married to the man I loved. My parents and family had been suspicious of him for awhile and my dad even know me my marriage wouldn't last 6 months, of course that made me want to prove them wrong and stay together. Shortly after we married (like weeks) we decided to move 2 hours away from my family and start over on our own. Within 2 months he lost his job and was on unemployment. I was working 2 jobs to just make it. My month 4 he had emptied out my bank account and over drafted a $1000 all for drugs. He said he would make it right and sell an expensive gun he had to cover my account and take me on a short vacation. When we got back things were good, he got a job, started helping around the house, and no signs of drugs. This went on for about a year; then the little signs started showing again...missing work, not helping with bills, missing money, and him always at a bar or a buddy's. I couldn't stand the sight of him and tried to avoid him at all costs...working late & living pretty much like roommates. Of course a married couple can only live this way for so long before it explodes, so when I confronted him he went into a rage and punched holes in our walls, smashed a kitchen chair over a table, and started breaking dishes. He started to hit me with a pool stick and then he realized I was already bleeding from a broken dish that had hit me. Blood was every where, he just froze up and set down and cried. He couldn't even help me stop the bleeding. I told him then I wanted a divorce, he begged me not to leave & that he would get help. Things got a little better, but not really. He took a job out of State and I stayed in Ohio for awhile...seemed liked the distance made our love stronger and we wanted to try again. I moved with him, withing a week he was arrested for a DUI, but some how got off on the charges. He kept on working, I was a stay at home wife looking for a job. Things soon went back to how they were in Ohio, living like roommates. Him partying with friend or being so wasted he slept through the whole evenings and weekends. Soon he started missing work, always angry, and always broke. He would leave me for days alone and travel back to Ohio to party with friends. Then one day he announces to me we were moving again to Indiana and I had no job or no family so I had to go too. We moved to Indiana for about a month, it was horrible! I felt homeless since we had to live in a hotel until we found an apartment, thank God (and I prayed daily for his help)he lost his job and we had to move back to Ohio with his parents. Once we got back to Ohio I found out I was pregnant & soon after I missed carried...some how this horrible loss led me back to my family. They took us both in and seemed to want to help us both get back on track. We lived awhile with my grandmother, we both got good jobs, and was able to get our own place. He stilled used weed, but nothing else and even though I didn't like it I could live with it. I got pregnant again and we were so happy, life seemed perfect! The week before my daughter was born my brother found my husband passed out in our drive way in his truck with Xanax in the ash tray. I confronted him and he told me he would quit. I knew he wouldn't but our baby was coming in a week, how was I going to leave now. Our daughter was born a week later, he was at the delivery and stayed the night with us at the hospital the next morning he left and didn't come back for 24 hours when they dismissed me. The next day was Christmas, he left again his wife and 3 day old baby girl and didn't come back for a couple of days. I was overwhelmed with a new baby, healing from a c/section, bills, holidays, and of course my drug addict husband. I developed post partum depression even though I would never admit to it, my only concern was caring for the baby everything else I didn't care. I would cry for hours and when he was around I could barely function...just looking at him high would make me so angry & I would start a fight or I would just cry. He would disappear & I would take the baby out at to go look for him & bring him home. He would destroy our home & I would clean it up. He would threaten me and push me around (never really hit me even though he came close a couple of times). He uses was coming obvious to everyone around and I was about to leave again, when his parents intervened and helped him to get clean again. Things got better again, seemed like the good times were back. I got pregnant with our son, he was working, I was working, our daughter was perfect, got a bigger home, and we were all happy. Then it seemed like the same nightmare starting over again, right before my son's birth I found a pill in our garage, not a Xanax though, this time Oxy. My husband had stopped Xanax and started Oxy he was never clean he could just hide it better, the Oxy even made him stop weed. I confronted him and kicked him out, he got clean and like a fool I let him back. 6 months later on Christmas night he tells me that he's back on Oxy and needs to go to detox, oh by the way our bank account is empty (he went through $7000 in 10 days). I set up detox and told him that this was it I was done, while he was in detox drug dealers started showing up at my home looking for him. Of course when he got out he was a NEW man and wanted to be with our family, and I took him back. After 2 months of being clean he was back at it. I found him at a drug house getting high with a woman and man, the woman who I didn't know, tries to be friendly with me and tells me I have beautiful kids...really she knows my kids. I lost it and assaulted several people including my husband...I left that night and never went back to our home until he was evicted a month later and I retrieved my furniture and items. My children and I have been living with my parents for the past year. All my stuff in storage. I couldn't get my own place because of drug dealers looking for my husband & my parents were afraid they might break in my house or worse. I am currently looking for an apartment. My husband has been in and out of treatment, on suboxone and back on the pain pills. My children visit him weekly at his parents home (supervised by them) when he's not strung out, otherwise he will go weeks without calling or seeing them. My daughter loves her dad and my son hasn't bonded much with him, since we left we he was only 9 months old. As of yesterday my husband has been clean for 7 days again, but he told me that he hasn't been paid in 8 days and gets a check today...so my guess is he's no longer clean. That's my story, sorry so long but I need to see it all written out without any lies or excuses. I need to let this part of my life go, I need to cut ties with him, I feel at this point my children would be better off with no father than the one they have.
I see a little of myself in each of these post. But I have one question. My husband had the drug problem why do I feel it was me? I miss and love him and he will never know how much I'm hurting inside because of him. He has moved on and now he is living with a girl that he broke up her marrage and now they are having a baby.
I am a recovering addict and i have been in the same relationship for 2 years he is an active addict i moved out and he seemed to be doing great then little by little things changed i swore he was cheating then realized he headed back to jail or even death he calls me begging me for help when he is high hell talk but sober he wont open up im currently studying to be a drug counsoler but this situation is too close for comfort never thought id be in the position i put others in it is the worst hell avoid my calls and lie straight to my face the thing is even when i was using in the beginning of our relationship i was always honest with him i loved him too much to lie to him so i feel like he doesnt love me no matter how much he tells me he does i feel so betrayed as if he was cheating in a way the drug is his mistress i just want the old mike back i tell him please dnt ignore my calls even if ur using i will help him but he has to at leastr answer but he keeps hanging around the wrong people i blame everyone but my boyfriend i no im an enabler at time and as a recovering addict i should know better then at times i feel like it hurts too much to leave him i think ill just settle then i also know i have sobriety and cannot allow anyone to mess up not even myself i guess it comes down to i finally need to be selfish but in a positave way not the selfish i was when i was using im so confused
Hi Everyone,
is there any way to chat with people or get in touch with them? I need help as soon as possible. My husband and father of my four young kids is still using heroin and I'm so devastated. It's a long story but I'm having a hard time giving up on him, no matter how he treats me....Anyway, I do go to Alanon but I never meet anyone in my same situation, believe it or not, and I need someone to talk to, or even email with. Please. Thank you.
All these stories are so sad. I honestly dont know what to say except to protect yourselves. The addict you love will not stop till they want to. I feel like its a puzzle trying to piece together the truth...very confusing. Who knows what will finally be the trigger they need. There will always be lies, doubts and pain. Its is sad that love is not enough for some. Walking away seems the smartest and most painful choice. Good luck and stay strong.
My boyfriend is addicted to crack cocaine and heroin (girl). His family decide to keep it from me because they didn't want to interfere ... but I feel like they didn't want to deal with him so why not put him off on me .... I am trying my best to hold on to all the anger and everything he has put me and the kids thur and just totally turn my back on him. ThaT LAST ABOUT TWO WEEKS .... EVERYTIME like clock work he comes with this song and dance pony show that he want to get clean and he so tired of getting high. A part of me believe him and let him come back home to get cleaned up and eat because he does look so bad ... well he stays clean for about two to three days and then cycle starts all over again. I know I can't help him, he has to want to help himself. All the cursing, crying, screaming, pleading and begging will never do anything. So its Memorial Day weekend I decided I would cook and he promised me he would stay clean enough to cook the meat well I'll say this meat not cooked and both of our family will be here in the morning ... About midnight I'll send out cancellation text because honestly I just can't do another family gathering and going thur all the questions, stares, and pity. Sometime I feel I should have be able to return him where I found him at ... His brothers house... lol! I have to find some humor in the situation to keep from crying. The kids think the world of their dad thats only because their toddlers and they don't know any better .... well here the dog and pony show comes ~~ Pray for me to gain teh strength and guts to walk away!!
Hi I read your story and I can relate in a different way I'm the addict cocaine my wife just left me we have two weeks separated I went through loads of drugs and alcohol just to get to where I'm at now rock bottom I love her I want her back but she won't talk to me I want to die bad I just want her to help me I want to stop but the only thing that helps with the pain I feel because she is gOne is cocaine I need advise before doing something stupid here's my number text me 4694324958 I'm David all I need is a chance thank u and I'm sorry for even bothering u all
I am learning that addiction is a lifelong struggle for my husband. It will not change tomorrow or the next day. He couldn't come home from a 'picnic' last night because his friends told him to take a nap. I am glad he did not drive and put himself or others at risk, but I'm not sure how long I am willing to continue on this roller coaster.
Like many of the others, I knew he a had a problem in the "past". He wasn't an addict, he said. He can handle himself, he said. Now, it is I who cries and wonders what tomorrow will hold. He doesn't care. He only wants to know how messed up he will be able to get.
I suppose we can only help as long as we can help. After that we have to help ourselves to a better life.
Tammy 3 years ago
I am so sorry for all that you have been through and continue to go through. I have no words that feel adequate. I just found this and read and cried. I hope time gives you strengh and hope.